Villagersonline : blogs : ryan : throwing rocks at God

From: ryan
Date: Tue Aug 23 11:10:43 MST 2005
Subject: throwing rocks at God

Responses
russ: yeah. (8/23/05)

james: that's powerful! (8/24/05)

clrclady: Thanks (8/25/05)

Karen: Toe to toe (8/26/05)

Responses (sorted by date)
Karen: Toe to toe (8/26/05)
clrclady: Thanks (8/25/05)
james: that's powerful! (8/24/05)
russ: yeah. (8/23/05)

This started as an update on where Andrea and I are at with what is happening with Andrea's body. It sorta evolved into its own blog.
Things are still inconclusive. Andrea's doctor being concerned about an ectopic pregnancy rather than a cyst has been really scary. The tests so far have come back negative (pregnancy, ectopic or otherwise), but still no word on the ultrasound. Andrea's freaking out with all the unknowns about why her body is going haywire. I am bummed because I can't make it better, and when I try, it seems to make things worse and I find I am Mister Insensitivity. Both of us feel like God isn't pulling through for us, and this whole situation is stirring up all kinds of crap.
Last night I read chapter one of Eldredge's book Waking the Dead. He talks about clarity, seeing that we are in a war. Life is hard and it feels like either I'm blowing it somehow, or God ain't coming through. Well, that sums up exactly how I feel. But somehow the answers just don't seem enough. It's not sufficient to say we are at war, God wants us to have life, and Satan is blocking that. Maybe it's true, but God, why do you let Satan have his way so much?
Why is it so hard to hold on to what is true? Why is it so hard to look at life in all its misery and choose other than bitterness or depression? It's as if the only way to enjoy life is to numb yourself to everything, hop on your innertube and just float away down the river, and not care. Give up. Not long for impact, and not allow anyone to impact you.
I don't want to choose bitterness. I've been down that road. I know where it goes. It sucks. God, I really want to believe that you want good things for your children. I want to be able to look my wife in the eye and tell her that, and be convincing. With this war going on it's hard to be convincing. So yeah, I have my list of demands. I demand that you listen, that you love, that you not be silent or distant. That you step in and do something. Now there are tears coming to my eyes because these are all the things I wish my earthly father did. I want to take my gloves off and go toe-to-toe with you, you and me God, you and me dad. You're going down. Only you're not, since you'll just squash me like a bug. I'll ask for something good, and you'll either ignore me or give me a boot to the head. That's just like you, isn't it? You don't care, and if you did, you'd be cruel, and I'm just a plaything. So what's the point?
I feel like it's all your fault. My sin, my dad's sin, my mom's, my wife's, everyone's. This whole fallen world. In my head I know that's the lie, that's exactly what Satan wants me to believe, but I can't get the truth to sink into my heart. I want to hope, I need to hope, Andrea needs me to hope. To take heart and believe the truth as stupid and trite as it sounds. To believe that we are not playthings, that you do care, that what glorifies you most is people fully alive. So yeah, we need clarity. We need to see clearly that you care.

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From: russ
Date: Tue Aug 23 12:38:36 MST 2005
Subject: yeah.

Yeah.

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From: james
Date: Wed Aug 24 00:52:02 MST 2005
Subject: that's powerful!

Ryan,
Thanks for sharing your heart. I want to echo some of the same feelings you have because it relates to how I feel about my dad. I must say how powerful your words are. Thank you so much for expressing your hurts, fears, and raw emotion. You are not alone.

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From: clrclady
Date: Thu Aug 25 09:00:29 MST 2005
Subject: Thanks

Thanks for Bloging Ryan. I have been feeling similar feelings. I have been angry and it really makes no since to me why God allows the things He allows and has the two of you in the place He does. Hold onto HOPE. I will hold onto it also.

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From: Karen
Date: Fri Aug 26 15:47:55 MST 2005
Subject: Toe to toe

Your blog reminded me of the first time I read from "Waking the Dead"...saw it on Mary Kay & Tom's counter like a year and a half ago, picked it up and randomly read from the middle and then, in frustration, threw it on the floor and made like I was going to jump up and down on it. If it were a 5 gallon drum I'd have kicked it around the backyard, Em ;-) So I eventually ended up buying and reading it last summer and found it very helpful, especially in regards to encouraging me as a prayer intercessor. Helpful, but not exactly fun in what it says.
Throwing rocks at God--hmmm--toe to toe is better. You're less likely to miss ;-) I was going toe to toe with him last fall after some Casas friends lost their newborn to a heart defect. I came back from the memorial service weighed down by empath-grief, quietly fuming in Em's kitchen: what is the godly purpose behind this? How could it possibly be necessary? If it wasn't "necessary," why would a supposedly all powerful God allow it? We're not talking about free will choices to sin here, after all. This baby didn't have to be created with a fatal heart defect... How could this pain for John & Dana possibly be worth it?
Emily said, "You don't let God off the hook very easily. That's what makes you such good friends."
Toe to toe positions aren't always about fighting, y'know. Sometimes they end in dancing (or something else that the church you grew up in may or may not approve of...)

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