|
So here I am, 2 months and 2 weeks from selling all my games. It's sort of amazing everything that has happened, and has not happened, in the meantime.
The exhaustion I mentioned in my first post is now much worse, but now I think I know what it is (mononucleosis). A little less than a month ago, I was near some sort of breakdown. I was always exhausted; I was having major anxiety attacks; I was totally overwhelmed at work; I was having increasing trouble sleeping. I thought that maybe it was all work-related stress, and was trying to press on as best I could. But Eric reminded me that this might all be exhaustion caused by mono (I was diagnosed with mono in January). A quick bloodtest confirmed that I was still sick. Things started to get better then. My boss sent me to the doctor, who said I should cut back on work to 20 hours/week. (IBM allows this as part of their benefits package.) Since then, I have dedicated my life to resting as much as possible, and I only work 2.5 days per week. This has uncovered a massive wave of exhaustion. Each week I have felt more and more tired, and less and less capable at work. But, it's nice to know that at least I'm doing my best to get better. And the anxiety is gone (mostly).
The computer games thing is more ambiguous. Good stuff first:
* I haven't gone back. Em keeps me accountable, not even allowing me the small fixes (like playing a game or two at an arcade).
* Without computer games, I'm now spending a substantial percentage of my computer time working on VillagersOnline. But exhaustion means that I don't have much free time...
* I am finding that lots of people have lots more power in my life than before. People can give their opinions and I go act on them and try to live by them.
* Em says that I am a better minister, though I'm pretty sure this doesn't have to do with computer games - it has more to do with exhaustion, as I'm too tired to say anything except what God really wants me to say. (There's a lesson to be learned, there.)
Struggles next:
* Eric said I shouldn't be sitting around waiting for community to give computer games back to me. I'm trying, and I think I'm (kind of) doing well, but several times a day, I still go back and feel a deep longing for them.
More disciplines:
* Not long after I gave up computer games, God asked me for some (mental) silence. This is exactly the opposite of meditation (at least as I have conventionally conceived it) - it seems that God wants me to worship Him by NOT thinking about anything, including Him. So I'm trying to be silent by choice more often, and typically several times a day he asks for me to be quiet for a while. I spend large portions of my days off (Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays) down at the railroad tracks someplace, watching trains, sweating in the heat, enjoying nature, and generally trying to keep quiet.
* I'm trying to figure out what my art form will look like. Benji said that I should get into some form of art, and God has seconded the idea...but I don't know what, how, etc.
* Em has been saying for years that I should get to bed promptly between 9 and 10; now that I'm giving other people power to speak into my life, I've relented to her.
Confusing stuff next:
* I'm learning that part of my reason for playing computer games was that they were a coping mechanism to help me disconnect/wind down from stress. In this stressful time of my life, I keep finding the lack of them very painful. Could they play a healthy part in my future life?
* I had expected that God was trying to break me of an addiction. I'd expected some sort of "withdrawl" period, followed by a gradual reduction in desire. I haven't really experienced either withdrawl or a decline in desire. The desire has held relatively steady throughout. But I am seeing God change me in some massive ways (see above) that I guess must be connected to computer games, even though I can't see exactly how. Just recently it occurred to me that perhaps God's plan was not to decline the desire, but perhaps to give me the discipline required to submit that desire to the wisdom and limitations of my wife and my community. Dunno yet.
So, the hard discipline of giving up computer games (and, shortly thereafter entering mental silence) has segued directly into the hard discipline of resting up and trying to beat mono. I keep hoping that the worst is over, yet it seems like the last couple of months have been a steady progress of piling on more and more struggle. It's nice to be sick, though. It makes me comfortable to check out when it's all too hard or overwhelming. I just go get in bed, or drive down to the tracks, or curl up in a ball and try to hide. But God has gotten me through this far, and I'm sure He's going to get me through the rest. It's nice that, in the middle of all the struggle, I am finding myself changed in lots of good ways that I didn't even attempt to do. God just seemed to grant me some bonus character right when he slammed me with this load of suffering. That's nice, and it even gives me hope to endure if he plans for the suffering to get worse before it gets better. |
