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I visited the surgeon today regarding my painful shoulder, loss of grip strength, and tingling and loss of feeling in my arm and hand. The first surgeon had suggested a bone spur and torn rotator cuff. The surgeon I saw today had previously suggested Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, a nerve problem, as the probable cause of the symptoms. I have been going to physical therapy for the past few months trying to move the nerve bundle that was creating all the suffering. This week they determined that the therapy was ineffective and that the problems had worsened with even less grip strength and range of motion than before. For the last months the pain has been intense.
The surgeon examined me today and then decided to take x-rays of my neck. There is a severe compression in the vertebra that seems to be pinching the nerve that runs to my left hand. He literally ran downstairs to the office of a neck and spine surgeon to show him the x-rays and describe my symptoms. I will be scheduled for an MRI of my neck and will meet with this new surgeon on Tuesday to determine next steps--including possible surgery to the neck and spine.
I broke down in the examination room. I can't stand the pain anymore. I told the doctor that I look at the knives in the block on my kitchen counter and think about cutting off my arm. I told him I can't sleep and the pain distracts me from doing my job. I told him I didn't care what they did as long as it was soon. I wept as I told him all of this. I felt a lot of shame. Shame for not holding it together. Shame for being a crybaby. I heard the Liar call me that name and tell me to suck it up. Instead I let it all go.
When I stopped sobbing and looked up the doctor was weeping. He told me he was sorry this was dragging out and that he should have determined this possibility earlier. He promised to make things happen as quickly as possible. Obviously I will not be seeing him again since this new diagnosis will lead to different specialists. Still, he told me that he would like to see me after I have surgery or whatever procedure this new surgeon suggests. He told me not to make an appointment, but just to stop in. I asked him why.
He said he wants to see me when I am smiling and laughing and no longer burdened by pain.
I want to tell you all how much I love you. Thank you for your love and prayers. If I have been distracted and oblivious to you, I am sorry. I want to smile and laugh again. Please pray for this new surgeon as he diagnoses and suggests treatments or surgeries. Pray that I will be patient in this pain a bit longer. And please be patient with me.
Rod | 
