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From: rodhugen
Date: Wed Jun 8 11:14:45 MST 2005 Subject: Thoughts I'm thinking

I'm reminded today to continually confess my sins and continually renounce the lies I've long believed. Eric also reminded me yesterday that I am sensory. Highly sensory. I feel truth and lies long before I realize them or see them. I often know stuff without knowing how it is I know it. This has caused me great shame in the past and great frustration. Shame because I hate being weird or a 'freak'. Standing out as I do, it is impossible for me to be 'normal', but I had always hoped that I could be six feet tall amd dress in 'regular' sizes. I like to pretend that I fit in and am normal and almost fool myself into believing it is true, but then my gifts kick in and I became a weirdo once again. And that is frustrating. So I deny who God made me to be and pretend a self image that imagines me the way I wish I was and hiding in that 'me-ness', pretending that everyone else sees me the way I have chosen to see myself. And that doesn't work out real well. Because others see more of the image of God in me then I see when I look in the mirror. So I redouble my efforts and only get exhausted and discover that when you live out of your false identity, you only peddle faster and nobody sees you making the bicycle move anyway. I've been thinking about why I hate to stand out and I realize it is all about exposure. I remember someone telling me once as a joke that my deep and highly recognizable voice would make it impossible for me to ever make obscene phone calls and I realized in that moment how true it was and how ashamed I was of my voice and my size and my looks and my gifts. And how restrictive it is to be huge and low voiced and oddly gifted. Bound by my image. That shame was rooted in sin. My sin. My sin of pretending I am something other than what God created me to be and my sin of repeating and believing the lies the Liar whispers in my ears. Lies that sometimes come out of the mouths of people I love and people who love me.

Cheryl wrote a song we sing at Vespers that says to confess with your mouth and believe in your heart. I like that. Confessing is admitting where I do not reflect the image of my King and believing is holding onto the almost unbelievable truth of who and Whose I am. Lies sound so normal that it takes the Spirit and the community to sort them out from the lies. Confess and believe. As I do that, I begin to taste the life that is greater. The life I long for. The life that enjoys the pleasure of His company. The pleasure of being who He designed me to be.

If we are the shattered pieces of a mirror that God looked into (and I know that metaphor soon falls apart), then I am a big jagged piece that doesn't fit in airplane seats, but loves to fight for the Kingdom, loves to dream dreams, loves to see visions that bring hope and healing, and that absolutely tingles when truth is confessed and the Truth is believed.

Jesus is Lord. He is giving me back my identity. God sees me just as He made me to be. I reflect His character and nature when I choose to not hide in the lie of who I once was. Confess and believe. Yeah... I'm all over that. Remind me again tomorrow when I start pretending or the next time you catch me listening to the lies again.

Rod

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