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Should I eat eggs or not? It is a scientific question. They are either good for you or bad for you or really don’t have much impact either way. I don’t care which it is. I want scientists to all get together in a big room with test tubes and electron microscopes and fancy computers and coffee pots and lab coats and from all their various disciplines sit down in a big circle and come to a final once and for all solution to the question. I want them all to sign off on it. I don’t want them to equivocate or hedge their guess or even guess at all. I want them to use this thing that folks call ‘pure science’ and tell me once and for all if I can run over to A Great Location Café tomorrow morning and get two eggs basted hard along with my hash browns O’Brien style and a couple slices of bacon with whole wheat toast. I’m pretty sure the half order of biscuits and gravy is a killer, but I just want to know about the eggs. In the last two days I got carped at about eggs and whether or not I should be eating them and so I want all the scientists to get together and figure it out for me. Once it is decided they can go do whatever else they need to do.
I’m okay if they have a few caveats about the eggs. If they tell me I should only eat a dozen a week, I’m fine with that. If they tell me I need to boil them or only eat them while crossing my eyes I’ll understand. If they tell me they can only be eaten by men under six feet I’ll be a little miffed, but I’ll get over it. I’m good with boundaries and simple cautions such as you can eat them but they will turn you into a raving lunatic at age 90. I am also good with the warning that I can eat two a day but every two eggs will take seven minutes off of my life. Whatever they come up with, everybody has to agree. I don’t want some dissenter sitting in front of a computer screen mumbling to herself that she tried to warn them, but nobody ever listened to her. Everybody signs the contract with us. “You can eat two eggs every day for the rest of your life and they will help you grow seven hundred and eighty three new brain cells resulting in you being 18,9734% smarter at age 90 then you were at age 50. This should be easy for pure scientists to do.
I have a couple of atheist friends and they are always moaning and groaning about pure science and how stupid I am to believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and that they have proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that there are things like black holes and global warming and a path back to the primal ooze and a big bang that lit all this off and forty bazillion, one hundred and twelve gazillion, eight hundred and fourteen happy little accidents over approximately two hundred and fifty three trillion and six years ago that resulted in me sitting in front of my laptop ranting about eggs. I’m fine with that. I’m clueless about pure science, so I’ll be glad to sign off on their stuff right after they tell me about the eggs.
It should be easy. I mean if they can figure out the Higgs Boson god particle affair, then figuring out the egg thing should be a piece of cake (with or without eggs). I’ll even give them some time to come up with their results. If they want to theorize for a while while scratching their heads, they are welcome to do so. If they want sit around testing their theorem by feeding white mice a steady diet of egg whites for six months, I understand. I want them to take all the time they need. But at the end of the day it would be great if they would tell me the definitive truth about eggs.
I know there are bad scientists out there. I know there are scientists who got D’s in high school biology and others who cheated and stole their answers from the nerdy kid who wore the pocket protector so they could pass Mr. Altop’s chemistry final. I get that. The problem is I don’t know the good ones from the bad ones so when they all sit in the room they’ll all have to agree and tell me who is in and who is out of the scientist club. I wasn’t the nerdy kid and I was too scared to cheat so I have to depend on others to figure this out. I understand that the Hen Layers Institute of Science folks might want to fudge the results of their findings so if you want to boot them out I have no problem. I also understand that any funding provided by the group called Breakfast Restaurants of America might unduly push ‘pure science’ into the area of plain old regular corrupt science. I am good with that as well. I’ll have to put all the pure scientists on their honor that they won’t take any bribes or let any outside temptation influence the results of their pure determinations.
I know I should probably fund this study out of my own pocket, but I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention. I know a couple of rich people, but they already are a little leery of my funding requests so I hate to hit them up again. Some of them won’t even answer the phone when I call anymore. I could take up an offering from my Facebook friends since they all claim they love me and are constantly hitting me up to ‘like’ causes they believe in, but truth be told I don’t think most of my friends even like me all that much. Certainly not enough to send me any money. I know scientists are always moaning about funding and grants and government cutbacks so I really hate to do this, but I’m wondering if they’d all be willing to do this egg thing just for fun. If they’d all be willing to meet in Tucson, I’d be happy to furnish a couple of pizzas and a six pack or two. I could also hold a bake sale to raise a bit more cash, but once more you immediately run smack into the egg problem again. So... it would be sweet if the nice scientists would just do this one for free.
It will be awesome to be able to tell my wife that according to all the scientists in the world two scrambled eggs a day with some Hatch green chilies and a little cheddar cheese makes you brighter, sexier, and live longer.
So, what do you think scientists? Can we do this thing? | 
