Villagersonline : blogs : mike : afraid

From: mike
Date: Mon Apr 12 13:17:05 MST 2004
Subject: afraid

Responses
russ: Good (4/13/04)
Karen: Hollywood vs. reality (4/13/04)

Responses (sorted by date)
Karen: Hollywood vs. reality (4/13/04)
russ: Good (4/13/04)

I am at school taking a break from the biology lab, and thinking about my fears. Next month I am moving out of the Seneca house. I am afraid I am going to start drinking again. That fear is almost a panic.
It is time for me to move on. To stay at the Seneca house any longer would be hiding from my fears, and from life in general. It would be unhealthy for me to stay, and and to be honest, the Brunsons, and Cepins need a break.
Deep down, I know I will not drink. I know there is no reason to fear I will start up again. But that fear is still there.
But wait, there is anothor fear. Living in community. It is like living in a well lit circular room while trying to hide in the corner. I kind of miss the darkness. I was not challanged to grow there. I did not have to live outside of myself. I was dying a slow death, alone.
Hold on. I am not done yet, As a special bonus for listening to me, I am going to share anothor fear with you all. Fear. My hero, John Wayne, said in one of his movies" It is O.K. to be afraid, just do not let the othor guy know how afraid you are". Good advice if you find yourself in a gunfight. Not such great advice for one in community.
Then there is the worst fear of all. The fear you all well see me as I am. Oh wait, many of you have seen me when I have just woke up.
It is hard for me to show weakness, and the Lord has been hammering that lesson into me. Thank you for loving me, and letting me act a little nutty. I really am not that way. No,really. Hey, stop laughing. I am not nutty. I'm not.

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From: russ
Date: Tue Apr 13 09:13:41 MST 2004
Subject: Good

I wish I had something insightful or witty to say, but I don't. So I'll just say that it really sounds like good things are happening, Mike. Keep hanging in there, and being honest!

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From: Karen
Date: Tue Apr 13 09:47:29 MST 2004
Subject: Hollywood vs. reality

No disrespect to Hollywood cowboys, but it's easy to come off as a hero when you're in costume, have your lines delivered to you to memorize, with stuntmen to help you in your choreographed gunfights, not to mention that everything gets wrapped up in two hours of celluloid. But closure, that sweet feeling of having "arrived" is too elusive in real life!
I'm thinking of two things. One is the poster that my mother hung up in our kitchen many years ago after she started to follow Christ. "Do you not know that what died on the cross was fear." The poster intrigued me as a small child (partly because of its lack of question mark--it sounded almost like a command to accept something), but it took me years to fully understand what it meant.
Then there's what my mom just reminded me of last night: when you've surrendered a new area of your life to God, you quickly get opportunities to exercise that surrender. New chances to assert your freedom, I'd say. The freedom of flight always must be scary for a fledgling, though.
Best wishes as you exit the nest :-)

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