From: russ
Date: Sat Jun 16 16:52:46 EDT 2007
Subject: Been There

One Friday, I walked in (45 minutes late) to my (5 credit) course to pick up the week's homework, and found everybody taking the Midterm. I failed that course... I took Chemistry in High School and got an A. I took it in college (which was probably eaiser than what I'd done before), and sat in the back of the lecture hall reading the school newspaper. I got a C. I fell alseep in Differential Equations (I must have been snoring, because the teacher woke me up publicly) because I had been up 3 days straight playing an MUD (text based MMORPG) online. (How did I ever drive home safe that afternoon?) I was taking a (comparatively) easy 400-level class the semester that I got married. I took my laptop with me to do homework on the honeymoon, but got annoyed with the work involved and didn't finish anything. I never showed up to class after the honeymoon, and the teacher graciously gave me an I instead of an F. (I suppose it's become an F by now...) In my first few semesters of college, you could always tell the tough classes and the easy ones: the tough ones, I always got A's in. The easy ones, I got C's, if I was lucky. Then, as I got more depressed, I started falling off on *all* my classes. I was not allowed to even apply for Graduate School at UofA because my undergrad GPA was too low. Eric tells me, and I now believe, that that was the "foolishness of my youth." I believed, for too long, that that idiocy of past years was my identity, that what I did now was just trying to stumble along a path of partial self-redemption. It's not true. The truth is that I did those things, and more...but they are not who I am. I have become something much better, thanks to God's gentle and firm hand. Since they wouldn't let me apply to be an official Graduate Student, I signed up as a "non-degree seeking student" so that I could start over, establishing a new Graduate GPA. God provided that the professor teaching my first course happened to be the chairman of the admissions committee (!) so I applied in the middle of that first semester. I aced the GREs, wrote an earnest application essay (you can read my original version, and the much-less-shame-filled one that Eric and Keith helped me craft, here. UofA accepted me later that semester. Now, I have finished my first 4 courses in the Graduate program. In each course, I have earned the respect, and sometimes even the friendship, of the professors - the men that I hope someday will be my coworkers. But how did I get here? I have been where you are Michael, hating myself and hating myself for hating myself; alternating between furious work and despairing procrastination; searching for meaning and purpose and motivation; searching for a system which would cover me, and prevent me from feeling ashamed again. But another phrase pops, unbidden, into my head as well: that I was searching for a way out. I wanted some way for life to just work - to have some sort of system which would allow me to be emotionally on autopilot (though hard at "work"). I don't know if that resonates with you or not, but it was very major for me. I tried all the systems I could think of, to make myself keep at my tasks. I tried discipline, I tried shame, I tried scheduling, I tried rewarding myself periodically. Mostly, I think, I tried shame. But in the end, none of those really worked. Something changed in me between my undergrad and graduate years. In those 4 years, I became much less interested in whether my A's "meant" anything. My drive to be the best, as well as my cynical rejection of grades, is (mostly) gone. In its place is a quiet belief that this is something worth doing, just for its own sake. There is something holy in being careful to get ahead in my homework, and to pay attention in class. I have straight A's in Grad School, so far. I don't know how I got here, but I believe that God has you on a similar path. So I don't have a solution for you, but I do have two things that I hope you'll believe: 1) You haven't ruined your academic career. Trust me, God puts those things together in time. From what you said, I think you're actually in a better place than I was when I graduated from undergrad. 2) Sometime later, after God takes you through some more steps, you will look back on these days not with shame, but with delight as you marvel in God's goodness and grace. Keep on with the psych treatment...and keep in community, wherever you are. Which reminds me: what are your plans for next semester? Are you still planning on heading to Colorado?

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From: michaelc
Date: Sun Jun 17 14:26:19 EDT 2007
Subject: 

From: Patricia
Date: Mon Jun 18 11:01:12 EDT 2007
Subject: just some thoughts

From: rodhugen
Date: Wed Jun 20 19:38:06 EDT 2007
Subject: Thanks Michael

Thanks so much for this gift, Michael. It means more to me than you can imagine. I sat for several years in the black hole of depression and the edge of the hole still calls to me with that alluring voice. I particularly appreciate that you call depression selfish. When I look at it with a practiced eye I see the incredible narcissism and how much it demands that the great 'I' be served by humanity. In that way it seems ugly and sinful and a usurping of God's place. In the middle of the hole, however, it never felt like that to me. It felt justified and right if it felt like anything at all. Thanks also for capitalizing and personifying the other emotions that accompany Depression. They felt like powerful demons(?) that I could not possibly resist. Naming them seems right. For several years (it seems like decades) I barely functioned. Piles of work sat in the corners of my office undone. Clients called me wondering when I would get their stuff done. I would go on work binges that lasted through long dark nights in a desperate attempt to satisfy the threatening phone calls. I became what I thought was an accomplished liar, afraid to admit that I was drowning in the black hole of depression, arguing for my self-worth, torturing myself and those who loved me with my rants. I was a 'good' boy so I couldn't begin to admit that I was in an all out war with God. I remember the night I had the nightmare dream of being suspended over the vilest and darkest pit I could imagine. Flames licked at my feet and I felt like letting go and slipping into the evil end. Kathy, and those who loved me could not save me. Of that I was sure. Somewhere in that moment I recognized that I could not let go and that I was being held. Held against my will. Suspended. Hanging in mid-air. And that was when I realized that I was being held by God himself. And the verse came rushing into my head that states that God does not let go of those he loves. When people ask me how I know that God is real, I immediately think of that moment and His overpowering love for me. That love sustains me in my darker hours and helps me resist the call of the black hole. I pray that you can know that love and walk into the identity he has given you and that you can feel, taste, and touch that overwhelming power. I pray that you recognize daily that you are dearly loved. Thanks again for sharing your story. Thanks also, Russ, for what you shared. Rod

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From: blancaro
Date: Sun Jun 24 15:09:17 EDT 2007
Subject: response

From: Boojeee
Date: Mon Jun 25 19:05:01 EDT 2007
Subject: and yet another previously depressed Villager...

It seems that this is a place to share our experiences of depression. I think this is valuable for a number of reasons, not the least of which that depression is intrinsically isolating and hearing others stories might drop in a light of hope to you Michael or some other person who randomly comes across this blog. I've struggled with mania and depression for much of my life, but the point where my life kind of crushed started back in the summer of 2002. I was seeing a counselor here in town to deal with issues from my childhood abuse. She was touching on some pretty deep wounds and I started shutting down emotionally. I began to stop eating, except when it was a community meal. I was having massive social anxiety that I was managing by causing myself physical pain. I slid into a deep depression, feeling like I was in some different plane of existence where I could see that I had a good life--husband that loved me, two great kids, a community of supportive people--but I couldn't feel any of it. They couldn't touch me is what it felt like. I began at some point talking about what I was experiencing with the people at my house [living with 3 other attentive and caring adults kept me from a lot more destructive behaviors that I might have pursued...]. We decided that I should go to a psychiatrist, but it took a while to get in to see anyone. In the mean time, I became pretty unfunctional. I was also struggling a lot to believe God was really there. [You can read a blog about that here.] I stepped down from the leadership team, stopped meeting with people, was barely able to attend to my kids [again, living with other great grown-ups helped to ease the damage that this would have done]. Eventually I went on medication for anxiety and bipolar disorder. Took a while for meds to kick in and I was also continuing to work through the emotional issues that were certainly connected to the depression. I still have times when I'm more down or more up, but I've been pretty stable now for a number of years. I am really grateful to have been in this community during this time, because I was cared for and supported in ways that don't always happen in the church when someone has a mental breakdown. I'm especially thankful for the ways that people cared for my kids during this time. Sometimes I'm tempted to go off my meds, because I don't always like the way they make me feel or the things that they have cut out of my life [like late-night manic writing or talking...], but I really value what it has brought into my relationships. Anyways, Michael, I too appreciate your willingness to share with us what's been going on in your life this semester and I pray that you will be able to know and feel God's love for and acceptance of you as you walk on this painful journey. And I'd like to hold out to you the hope that walking through the sadness and pain does really bear fruit in joy and peace on the other side. I hope you are able to be in Tucson this next year and we get to walk closely with you on the road. If not, we'll try to connect you up in CO and we'll keep you in our prayers. Julie

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From: Boojeee
Date: Mon Jun 25 19:07:47 EDT 2007
Subject: and yet another previously depressed Villager...

It seems that this is a place to share our experiences of depression. I think this is valuable for a number of reasons, not the least of which that depression is intrinsically isolating and hearing others stories might drop in a light of hope to you Michael or some other person who randomly comes across this blog. I've struggled with mania and depression for much of my life, but the point where my life kind of crushed started back in the summer of 2002. I was seeing a counselor here in town to deal with issues from my childhood abuse. She was touching on some pretty deep wounds and I started shutting down emotionally. I began to stop eating, except when it was a community meal. I was having massive social anxiety that I was managing by causing myself physical pain. I slid into a deep depression, feeling like I was in some different plane of existence where I could see that I had a good life--husband that loved me, two great kids, a community of supportive people--but I couldn't feel any of it. They couldn't touch me is what it felt like. I began at some point talking about what I was experiencing with the people at my house [living with 3 other attentive and caring adults kept me from a lot more destructive behaviors that I might have pursued...]. We decided that I should go to a psychiatrist, but it took a while to get in to see anyone. In the mean time, I became pretty unfunctional. I was also struggling a lot to believe God was really there. [You can read a blog about that here.] I stepped down from the leadership team, stopped meeting with people, was barely able to attend to my kids [again, living with other great grown-ups helped to ease the damage that this would have done]. Eventually I went on medication for anxiety and bipolar disorder. Took a while for meds to kick in and I was also continuing to work through the emotional issues that were certainly connected to the depression. I still have times when I'm more down or more up, but I've been pretty stable now for a number of years. I am really grateful to have been in this community during this time, because I was cared for and supported in ways that don't always happen in the church when someone has a mental breakdown. I'm especially thankful for the ways that people cared for my kids during this time. Sometimes I'm tempted to go off my meds, because I don't always like the way they make me feel or the things that they have cut out of my life [like late-night manic writing or talking...], but I really value what it has brought into my relationships. Anyways, Michael, I too appreciate your willingness to share with us what's been going on in your life this semester and I pray that you will be able to know and feel God's love for and acceptance of you as you walk on this painful journey. And I'd like to hold out to you the hope that walking through the sadness and pain does really bear fruit in joy and peace on the other side. I hope you are able to be in Tucson this next year and we get to walk closely with you on the road. If not, we'll try to connect you up in CO and we'll keep you in our prayers. Julie

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From: clrclady
Date: Sun Jul  8 20:59:07 EDT 2007
Subject: Depression and Self destruction