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From: laynEpoo
Date: Thu Oct 4 00:39:59 EDT 2007 Subject: trying

Responses
russ: Been there (10/4/07)
emily: No Subject (10/14/07)
Responses (sorted by date)
emily: No Subject (10/14/07)
russ: Been there (10/4/07)
Why is it that some of us humans, myself especially, are so bent on proving ourselves? our worth? on proving that we're not broken? that we are really great when we have barely anything left in our souls to give?

I have done it again. Several of you have watched me back myself into a corner of burdens and have attempted to keep me from going there...thanks for trying. God showed me tonight that it's ultimately my decision. My decision to stay so busy and just load more on my shoulders that I can't carry. My proving myself. My sin. My sin that keeps me in the darkness, away from the freedom that God wants to give me. A darkness that appears like the light, like how sea creatures live in the deep oceans...the really pretty ones that glow-but their usually the ones with all the teeth that could bite your hand off if you got close to them.

I have overcommitted myself to people, but now it's no longer hurting only me, but the people I have overcommitted to...because I really actually don't have a heart for them. I wish I did. I want to...but right now, I don't. So I've tried to bury the shame of that fact and just plow through it...meeting with people.

I didn't really know what to do with all this...it kind of just erupted this evening so I thought I'd blog and see what your guys' thoughts are...

thanks for loving me...the whole sinful, broken self of me...

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From: russ
Date: Thu Oct 4 01:44:14 EDT 2007 Subject: Been there

I just wanted to say that I've been there. (Am I still there? It's hard to say...) There is grace and love in that place, and there is rest on the other side. God has shown you what you were doing, and invites you to rest now. Not beat yourself in shame for old choices, but instead to step forward into rest and freedom, now.

He really is OK with that. Really. He doesn't have some other agenda under the covers. (I always fall into the trap of "God wants me to rest so that I can better accomplish something tomorrow.") He actually takes great pleasure when we rest, and don't "accomplish" anything. If we just keep an ear open, He's also quite good at nudging us to action when the time is right. That means that I (and you) don't have to worry about "missing out on the opportunity to work for God" because we're resting. He takes care of that.

So I'm glad you now see what is up; I'm glad you had the courage to post it; and I'm glad you have the opportunity to enjoy some rest.

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From: emily
Date: Sun Oct 14 14:18:18 EDT 2007 Subject:

I'm a very collaborative person. I care a lot about people. I believe in unselfishness. I'm smart and healthy.

All of this leads me to take on projects and relationships past the point of an abundant life and into a slow mental death. I struggle for breath and break free of the extra burdens. I wish I hadn't taken them on in the first place...

But that's how we humans learn! If we want to make a boat that works then we need to make it heavy enough to be stable in the water. But get it too heavy and it sinks to the bottom.

Sometimes we think that if only we could get rid of our sin and hear exactly what God was saying to us we would always get things right the first time. He would tell us exactly how to make the boat and that would be that. We would never have to learn anything. We would just listen and obey.

Since when is God like that? Not since the last time I read about Noah and the various birds he sent out to find dry land (why didn't God just tell him it was time to get out? After all, he gave such detailed instructions about the boat...)

Of course sin is mixed up with everything we do. But don't give it too much air time in the learning process or learning will become a terrible duty rather than a gift that God has given humans. He didn't have to create us to be beings that have to learn...he just wanted to.

But I really understand your frustration. I don't embrace the learning process well and I especially dislike disappointing people on the way. But since learning is what we do every day of our lives I'm trying to embrace the process rather than just waiting for the day when I have it all figured out.

EmilyM

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