Alone, afraid
all there is is you
terrified of opening
once I was open and small
pain, chaos, turmoil
who is SAFE? WHO is safe? WHO IS SAFE?
No one is safe
order, busyness, structure and control are safe
UNTIL
the chains pulled around my soul
locked in a cage I agreed to get into
long ago
It's still hard to stay out of it
but you call me out...
use my children to call me,
use my desires, use my dreams of what could be--
what was meant to be
Goodness. Wow! I start to believe it.
I'm stepping onto icy ponds that may crack and pull me under
sensing you beside me and liking it
venturing into terrifying places
like sitting on the floor and being available
I am almost doing the opposite
there is no balance as I experiment and test your love
Pure joy
I look into the mirror
I believe I am beautiful
for the first time at 37
And I am an egg
fragile, vulnerable, open
you have cracked my world apart many times
and I know you will do it again
Ouch! the pain comes
OUCH! it feels like it did back then
I run back to my cage
I hide away and cry victim
I sink into the old places...I am nothing and You are nothing
Wait, this is a familiar path
I hate who I am here!
I get tired of my whining!
I get tired of hurting those I love!
This is not who you made me to be!
These clothes do not fit anymore!
I remember that I've experienced you
I remember that you love me
I remember your tender heart and presence
I remember that I took the risk
to believe you were good
I will not die if you take me back there
I will not die if I feel that crushing pain again
I will not die if I am open to the sadness
I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am free!
I am not a victim, I have choices!
I choose to trust you and trust others!
I am rising like the Phoenix from death and numbness to life and freedom in Jesus!
I am a playful dragonfly who loves to frolic and play with my lover and my sons! I love to twirl and spin and spread glitter! I love to swing on swings, blow bubbles, look at marbles, play guitar and own things that are bubblegum pink! I am feminine and I am honored to carry you to the world as a woman!
So where were we God? Oh yea, I was alone with you.
I know you know I am more afraid of this than anything else.
I am stepping on the ice again... | 
