From: derek
Date: Sun Aug  1 13:44:42 MST 2004
Subject: Prayer 3

Prayer 3 God I go to a chapel to steal coffee draw pictures write poems but I don't see you there it feels like vapor morning mist eyes sleep ridden overwhelmed by sight I look for sunlight in your son I look for works you have done but I see nothing too bright to see inside this place (the walls echo conversation and my attention is decreased in half until I have to leave the building) if you were a gray sky overcast with dark I could wear sunglasses and look up at You to see the glance of one I know to be my father although I still too often doubt I am no Kerouac I am no perfect Buddha

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From: derek
Date: Sun Aug  1 14:01:44 MST 2004
Subject: Prayer of Celibacy

A Prayer of Celibacy (A Strange Place For a Monk) “In some cases the moon is you, in any case, the moon.” -Jack Kerouac Your eyeballs shot perfect attraction across the swimming pool, baiting me, leaving hooks around the wet pavement. Your skin is perfect plastic painted smooth perfect tan, shadows matched perfect against the sun, crawling down the long white lounge chairs, making them blue against the wet ground. I measure my social status while more attractive, muscular men move in for the kill. You look too good in that bikini. . . You knew you were trouble. I knew better than to be eaten in your eyes. You kept reminding me. I wondered if I could drop off an old poem on your lap (as scientific endeavor alone, I assure you). But whose memory must I kill to walk in these steps with you, when they are marked as slippery slopes when wet? How can I not be bitter or anxious in a place where even shallow water is too deep for me to swim? God, protect me from thinking that this gray moment is all that is real, and not seeing yesterday or tomorrow in this blind scope of faith of today. (which may not be blind but will nevertheless wait in hope for You and for Your greater plan in this life)

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From: derek
Date: Mon Aug  2 19:04:27 MST 2004
Subject: Prayer of Faith

A Prayer of Faith (To Be Old As Abraham) God. It seems I don't come to You of my own will. We walk together only when You pull me behind. My brothers pull me hard. But I am so bound to them, I become bound to You too. It makes me wonder what Christianity looks like, like in the Bible where it says of a man that he and his whole household will be saved today. What about the maid, who really knew nothing of the whole transaction? Does she get ushered in by her masters faith? He walks in Christ, and she walks in him. In the end, it all meshes together. Because I am under godly men, I will believe in you. Because Your burning bush told me to walk, I will walk. What did Abraham know of You when you began to walk together into a land You promised him and he never knew. Even when he was ancient old, and had walked with You forever, his faith shook when You came and You even had to tell him laughter. But when it was over, he trusted You enough to walk through days to mountains to see his son Isaac become bloodied and savored smells soaked up into heaven's gate where clouds could not give him proper burial. He got his son back for that. Got a faith name that is writ in Your palm. Lord, I don't know how to walk in this place, when only twenty-three years has past me over and my sight in each direction is flawed as a blind man's is. And can my faith really fly to a place beyond my current hopes? Can I ever be saved? Can I walk with You, in You, our minds blending into one wisdom which would surpass this strange philosophy of Greek and Cartesian doubt? Can I also be written on Your hand, give up my doubt and sin, and dodge the dreariness of doubled-over nothingness pain without any sacrifice? Thinking somehow I might live life alone and miserly, milling through millenniums, trying to find my truth in depraved thoughts. (“I would rather die a thousands of blue deaths within You than to live without You one green.”) Still, I don't breath a breath of life in You as I attempt to walk deserts within myself. I would easily become dead to You. But it is up to You to make me alive inside of You or saint. Beyond that, it is only breathless days of waiting wane. Perhaps when I am hundreds old, we will change our courses and I will become wise. But until then, I sit in cross-legged hope and prolonged prayers of deep longing solitude, perhaps, even from You. I don't know that until tomorrow. We will walk then, but I pray now. Either this or I am simple fool, predestined hell. In either case,, I wait for You. In either way, I am waiting for a Promised Land. Awaiting the new laughter.

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From: derek
Date: Thu Aug  5 20:05:05 MST 2004
Subject: Prayer 5

Prayer 5 (a July of Blue Moons) 7-31-04 I will choose today to believe that the full moon does truly exist, and that it will rise today across the earth regardless of my present mood or circumstance, regardless even of the coverings of cumulus clouds that will cover it over into darkness. I will choose today to believe in Your grace and divinity, that you have created each atom and building block of reality to be righteous and good in Your sight. I will choose today to believe in heaven and hell, that though I sometimes differ, I believe in your might, and my eyes will assume something beyond their immediate sight, that it has impact and affects even my daily life. I will choose today to believe in long paths walked in this life, that though it seems manic as a roller coaster or ADD, and though sometimes I crash both physically and mentally, I choose to believe that my eventual course will stay steady and true to Your will, that I will finish the race begun. I will choose today to believe in Your honor and Your glory, that those songs, hymns, and poems written in thanksgiving and praise through these centuries of Your love of my ancestors and my brothers are true and good, that you will find beauty and love in our efforts at worship. I will choose today to believe that Your Word is true, that reality is not concentric to my own concept of what is real, but that You are greater, that Your Word will make better standards than I could ever know myself. I will choose today to believe in the sacrifice of Your Son, You felt a love so strong for me that You have chosen to walk through pain, temptation, and humanity to rescue me from Your enemy, that You have decided I was well-worth the effort. I will choose today to believe You are honored in me, that regardless of what I might do, You are proud simply because of who I am as Your child, that all I have to offer this world or Your church is myself, and I have no need to pretend I am anything other than You made me to be. I will choose today to believe I have a strength in You, that I can fight with Your strength, that I will have power and impact on this world, and my effort is good and, too, that I will fight to offer freedom for Your disciples. I will choose today to believe in Your protection, that You are my shield from the demonic slings, arrows, and schemes, and that I am not alone inside this place but You control legions of angelic warrior which may stand at my side, and that these brothers and sisters in Christ are also strong warriors, that if it is Your will, we will move mountains together, Satan is small mischief compared to Your strength. I will choose today to praise You no matter what. I will choose today to praise You for Your faithfulness in my own life. I will choose today to praise You for Your faithfulness in the life of my community. I will choose today to praise You for Your love. I will choose today to praise You for Your passions. I will choose today to praise You as a strong lion. I will choose today to praise You as a gentle lamb. I will choose today to praise You in corporate worship. I will choose today to praise You in silent prayer alone with You. I will choose today to praise You in my conversation with those who would know Your love. I will choose today to praise You for Your untold glories that I have yet to comprehend. I choose today to walk in faith that today is a day that You have woven, that You have purpose for me within it, that Your will is done in both heaven and earth. I choose today to walk in faith that You will provide todays bread to me, that You will protect me from all attack, that You will continue to walk with me through dark places, regardless of whether I see You in the full moon or not. I believe You are merciful and good . I believe You are beautiful and strong. I believe You are forgiveness, grace, and new life. I will believe You are omnipotent, omniscient, and fully omnipresent, despite my lack of knowledge of what it might mean that You create or move big rocks. (otherwise, will I believe that You are not within any of these things, but that You are in something far greater than I could comprehend.) I thank You for Your gifts to me. I thank You for desert beauty and heat. I thank You for Your provision through my parents and friends. I thank You for the depth of character and wisdom You have created within me. I thank You for cartoons, mailboxes, pants, small flowers, neckties, and moons (and all things random). I thank You for the cumulus clouds that cloud up the sky from my vision. I thank You today for Bi-Polar and ADD. I thank You for their impact on my life and their impact on the lives of those around me. I thank You for turning my suffering into fine music. I thank You for turning my shame into power and beauty. I thank You that in my weakness You are strong. I thank You that in the midst of darkness light will seem to bite. I thank You that in the midst of black paint white paint may seem bright. I thank You that we are a light in this crooked and depraved generation. I thank You that we are all both bright and shining true. I thank You that You have chosen for us to represent Your Name to the nations as Your priests. I thank You that You have given to us all of the Spiritual gifts, withholding nothing, both to allow us to bring glory to Your name and to give us an impact on this world that You love so dearly. Today, I thank You, Father God. Today, I thank You, Christ Jesus. Today, I thank You, Holy Spirit. The Trinity. Whatever it means. Be with us today, walk with us in this place. Convince us that blue moons are worth waiting for, and that in interims, each moon still shines reflected with a bright light of the fiery sun. I thank You, Spirit. I thank You, Jesus. I thank You, Father. Amen, Amen, and Amen. I will thank You forever. Yet, have mercy and forgive me when I cannot. And again, I pray, be with us today, walk with us in this place. Amen.

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From: Suki
Date: Thu Aug  5 05:38:17 MST 2004
Subject: I like Prayer No. 5

From: derek
Date: Fri Aug  6 09:03:30 MST 2004
Subject: Update