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My Status
I actually made it through my first seasonal function: the Teen Challenge Christmas party! I drank massive amounts of coffee, broke out my sketchbook early, downed about 5 various-colored pills (which, interestingly enough, there is a pretty good street value on if I ever feel like paying off medical bills a bit sooner. I just need a connection in the grade school). I also got to talk to a few students who are now interns in other phases of the program. I even got a decent sketch and a Christmas bonus out of it as well. But the important thing is: I don't have to do any more parties until Christmas eve! Hurray!
I've actually been doing pretty well lately. Most of the time I miss church because I am hyper-focused on something and would be totally lost if I had to reroute my mind and get out of the house. I haven't had too many problems with anxiety attacks lately but have had some with mania and depression. Since I'm on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, it's much harder to tell whats going on within my body. All my "reads" have changed. I finally decided last week that I hit manic after not sleeping for two days. Other than that, I felt fine. It was strange.
I'm in the process of sorting out the differences between sin, psychosis, and me. There are some areas that I want to claim as my identity, but I'm not sure that I should. Case in point: the Christmas party. I despise parties. I don't do merry. And I think that's just who I am. I like spending time in a dreary corner table of a coffee shop. I get recharged there. I see God there in ways I don't necessarily see Him in mass gatherings with happy praise choruses. I don't know how to relate to God in a praise chorus. They don't make sense to me. But I also know that this comes clinically from my social anxieties and depressions, as well as environmentally from abandonment issues I've felt from the Christian establishment that I still need to give up and deal with instead of hiding from and casting blame on others. So, I'm confused.
And for those of you who have asked me how I'm doing over the last few weeks, that's probably the type of answer you've gotten from me: an under-the-breath, jumbled haze of incoherent babblings followed by an eventual "I'm not sure. Okay I guess."
I have a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for next Friday. He's doing some levels and playing with medications a bit. Last time he took me down on Paxil because I was having problems with . . . well, eating most anything edible. He also bumped up my Seroquil because I couldn't sleep (also to cover for the decrease in Paxil. Unfortunately, I'm now out cold for about 9 hours whether I like it or not. This becomes slightly inconvenient when I need to actually show up for work in the morning. Fortunately, they are still giving me a lot of grace at Teen Challenge with my schedule and my assigned duties, and others have covered me when I haven't been able to do my job. Which is awesome but really frustrating. I want to be able to go back with the same enthusiasm and energy that I could when I had, well, enthusiasm and energy. I just don't work in those ways anymore. I'm really hoping that as things get under control, my head hits some sort of swaying semblance of strange balance, I'll be that way again. I miss being a good worker.
So, now, I'm trying to finish up all my projects, my poetry books and art pieces, miscellaneous random responsibilities I've overlooked or forgotten about. After that, my goal is to simply my life as much as I can. I already gave my finances over to my dad to handle and am trying to live on a strict budget and without using an ATM card or my checks, just the cash I have in my wallet. I'm trying to teach myself to pinch every penny I can (and with my main expenditures as coffee and used books, I usually do okay).
Anyway, this ends the State of the Derek address. I will now open the floor to questions but will refuse to answer any of them. That's a fair trade-off, I think. . .
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