Villagersonline : blogs : derek : In Response to Karen

From: derek
Date: Wed Feb  4 23:42:10 MST 2004
Subject: In Response to Karen

Responses
Karen: Singleness, version VI (2/8/04)

derek: Final Thoughts Before I Step Back (2/9/04)

Responses (sorted by date)

In Response to Karen
by Derek Hugen, 2-4-04
Uggh. How is it that my response to you is almost longer than my initial posting about this? It isn't even like you are really contradicting me that I would have to defend myself. Actually, you are adding on to something I probably either didn't state or else had stated quite poorly. Anyway, yes, I very much agree with your statement. Actually, later on his book, Nouwen talks about celibacy,
I dare to say that celibacy is, first of all, a witness to all those who are married. I wonder if we have explored enough the very important relationship between marriage and celibacy.
You also said,
To truly understand the concept of oneness, we must walk into singleness (rather than try to hide in it, or attempt to hide from it).
First of all, I'm going to put singleness out there as a form of celibacy. It's not a horrible leap aside from the duration of practice. I much prefer the thought of a celibate life to the "abstinent" life. Celibacy is a concept that entails much more than simply "abstaining" until the right time for sex. So, I would really like to take a look at these statements.
Of course, they are a great argument against the "graduation" from the singles group at church and proceeding into the young couples group (I think that's what it is, I never got that far though), even though I know you are quite fond of the practice of splitting up friendships based on life stage (and please note that this statement is dripping with ironic tension). It also raises the bar for those who are single from simply "killing time" until marriage (when all life begins), to having to be single "well" as a witness to those around us, especially to those who are married. I think it goes back to the previous quote of our sexual desires being a "manifestation of God's unconditional love." As I said before, I am still uncomfortable with these two things being so closely intertwined, but I am trying to walk into it.
Nouwen talks about the relationship between celibacy and marriage. I wonder at the absence of being single "well" and the stereotypes regarding the single life. Freedom. A different sexual partner every night. The ability to sit in front of the Playstation 2 all night eating Cheetos and drinking Pepsi (although this may not be as potent a draw for women, it is actually the dream life of many men). This starts to trivialize the institution of marriage as well. Why be sanctified, pure, and disciplined in marriage when those around you who are single have no responsibilities at all? Even within the church, I can just go out for coffee after church and hang out with my friends, whereas Russ must get a special dispensation from Emily to do such a thing. Being married comes with slightly narrowed options and the inability to be "carefree." It takes a lot of discipline to walk into marriage successfully, as opposed to being single, which is sort of just there.
Of course, all of this works the other way as well. There is no point in being celibate, as opposed to a carefree bachelor, if the marriage bed has been corrupted and is meaningless. But there is nothing I can do about marriage from my end, other than to learn to respect it and see God in it. I can, however, choose to walk into singleness with true purity and honor, separating myself for God in this period of my life.
I think part of my struggle in having never pursued dating is that I have a skewed perspective of what dating and marriage look like. At some point it becomes an over-idealized Camelot to my mind, and singleness starts to look trivial in comparison. Like reading a Home and Garden magazine while you are living in a cardboard box in an alleyway.
So what does it look like for singleness to receive a place of honor in our hearts? How do we be single well and invite others into that understanding? Well, first of all, we must cut back on the Cheetos and the Playstation 2, I suppose. The good news is that I'm on Atkins, and that my old Playstation broke a few months ago, and I can't afford the Playstation 2. So, the absence of temptation is kind of like a victory over sin, except without the victory over sin.
Beyond that, I guess God (as well as Sheri, my counselor) has told me to start praying for the single women in our community. Take the picture that men should become the spiritual head of their household and should begin to fight in prayer for their wives and children. Then if celibacy is marriage to God, we begin to understand our own family in a much broader view. I need to begin to pray for those in my family who do not necessarily have someone who prays for them regularly.
It has been difficult to walk into this every day, mainly because it is hard for me to dedicate a daily block of time to do it in. I have, however, been trying to dedicate my Sundays to God and to prayer, especially for the community. I'm trying to show up early for church to pray for the service and for the people who will come to it. Last week I went hiking for several hours, spending time praying, meditating, and contemplating rocks (which I know I said I would never do, but there happened to be a devastating shortage of napkins in the vicinity (see my archived poetry for this reference)). Anyway, that is one thing I've been trying to do that has little to do with Cheetos or with "killing time" until marriage.
So what does it look like to walk into singleness or into a "brief stint with celibacy" as a witness to Christ's love for those around us? How do we be single well? What does that look like? With a contemplative gaze I hold out my imaginary microphone. . .
"Karen, your thoughts?"
"Anyone else care to comment?"
Then what is the true power of singleness and of marriage?

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From: Karen
Date: Sun Feb  8 01:17:32 MST 2004
Subject: Singleness, version VI

I like your distinctions between singleness, celibacy, abstinence. When I use the term "single" to describe myself, of course I mean that in a very broad way, as opposed to our cultural, not-legally-married-or-living-with-someone idea. So I guess you're suggesting the use of "celibate" as a way of referring to purposeful, God-focused singleness, as opposed to a "default" condition?
I think that so-called freedom of singleness is a stereotype, largely an illusion. Someone living that stereotypical shallow, unattached, self-centered single life (think Playboy's Hugh Heffner, for an irritating extreme) is not truly free, because they are bound by the desires of the moment, the impulse. "Slaves to sin," as Paul called it. I believe that God created us for responsibilities, commitment to one another, that beautiful, creative oneness that Cheryl alluded to. If you're living for self, then you may very well be enjoying the salty air on the open seas, but at the expense of being ever led to a destination. But I have seen people make a long-life pattern of living for self within a marriage, too. The difference of course is that they don't just wreck their own ships, but they may very well capsize their partners', too. Conversely, when I'm in the middle of the Pacific, it's a good thing to develop my sea legs and fight the urge to drop anchor when the water's a mile deep just because I've been "out here" long enough, I could have sailed to the end of the earth by now...
Like any married person at the Village, I have the freedom to make choices, choices that honor myself and the way God has made me, or not. Choices that honor my relationships with God and with others, or not. Choices that value relationships and creativity over ephemeral "stuff," or not. Choices that value long term values over short term goodies, or not. Choices that make sense to the Holy Spirit, but not necessarily to anyone around me, even my fellow Christ-followers. Sometimes I must also choose to be misunderstood.
ANYONE'S choices are limited; it's all a matter of perspective, really. I'd much rather that my default be having someone I needed to go home to, rather than the default be going to a coffeehouse full of strangers and acquaintances that I have to really work at getting to know. Bottom line: are the choices you have, choices that you value having? Like in Sheryl Crow's pop song: "I don't have digital, I don't have diddly squat!...It's not having what you want; it's wanting what you've got." Can you find it in yourself to value the choices you are offered? If not, can you pray without ceasing for God to change your heart so that you don't "do the ostrich thing" or otherwise shrink back into bitterness?
My "freedom" to have coffee with others may also entail a increased responsibility to be more available to people and opportunities. But I don't want my availability and opportunities to be defined in stereotypical ways. I want to be seen for myself, not for being a member of a life stage club.

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From: derek
Date: Mon Feb  9 00:44:21 MST 2004
Subject: Final Thoughts Before I Step Back

Two can play at this game, Karen. Coming home from church I was listening to Ani Difranco. She had a lyric that was something to the affect of "And what about all those letters that I wrote to myself I never sent because I didn't have the address."
I think God has been leading me into three places with regard to my sexual desires and singleness. I'll try, like my dad, to be concise. (Insert bored chuckle here).
First, here are the things we came up with at dinner that we don't think have worked well for various reasons:
1. Video Games.
2. Cheetos
3. Haagen-Daas.
4. Dancing.
5. Closing off all emotion.
6. Intellectualizing the process.
7. Sleeping.
These things can, perhaps, stave off our desires for a time. But I'm not sure that they are very healthy. Here are three new things I have been trying to step into.
1. Knowing myself-
I think this is kinda what Ani Difranco is talking about in her song. It is also what most of you are talking about. What address do we send our letter to if we are writing ourselves? Often, I think we get into relationships because we are too afraid to be alone. We have no concept of who we are outside of relationship. But it is easier to understand my longings when I begin to know who I am. For instance, who I am is very much insane. I've been coming to grips with this. I don't think the way other people do. I am, at my roots, creative in a way where I do not feel valued by the Church. Therefore, I go out of my way to be meaningful and wise in everything I do. It is the only way other people find me valuable. Yet, I am horribly abstract and sometimes without point. I feel worthless because of this. I can't contribute "nice" poetry or art. It will always be weird and outside of the norms. On the homepage on the website, Sue asks the question, what do we want? I want to find value in who I am because I have never truly felt that before. I realize I have tried to "take my question to the woman" as Eldridge says in Wild at Heart. I always hoped to find a woman who truly valued me as I am. So, knowing myself consists in finding worth and value in God instead of a white knight on a stead who makes everything better (or whatever the masculine equivalent of that would be. Not a princess in a tower because that requires me stepping out in my shame. I want to be rescued too. It's more convenient for my sin pattern.). So, if I understand relationship with God as the thing I am missing, I am left with less of a demand for fantasy or the need for a woman who can truly understand me. A woman cannot tell me who I am. Taken into relationship, this means I will no longer make an unfair and pointless demand on my future wife. That's a good thing.
2. Knowing my affect on others.
Our community has single people who wrestle with being single. Who knew? Two things were really awesome for me tonight. First, someone brought up this subject, and we began to talk. Everybody from the other side of the table stopped their conversation and started wandering slowly over to us to listen. Apparently, It isn't just me who wonders about these things. A blind leap of faith (being spurred by Benji) in posting my shame and fear about this area of life has brought us into discussion over it. I am not alone in my frustration. Other people exist. Second, during dinner, Karen thanked me for my prayer for her and told me about its affect on her. Really, after that, all I could do was to finish my salad (sorry, Karen). I was just blown away that my actions had affected her and that she found strength in my actions. I have no idea how to react to that. Is the correct response "You're welcome?" Knowing that my interaction with sexuality and singleness has an affect my community is an awesome thing. It means that walking into my strength has meaning outside of my own person moral health. Just talking through these things in community has helped me to understand where I am and that I am not simply insane and screwed up without hope.
3. Silence and meditation with God.
This goes back to point #1 as well. I am controlled by video games, television and radio. Over dinner we discussed the possibility that these things are "cowardly relationships." I need relationship to exist and with these forms I run no risk of being exposed. When am I ever truly alone and without distraction? My hikes and my prayer times are where I am currently trying to walk into this. Just being alone in those moments. I am fairly contemplative by nature, yet I still am scared to death of silence. Usually when I am in my room, I am playing a video game, listening to my stereo and watching television all at once. I need distractions. It's an ADD thing. I am easily distracted no matter what the situation, so I plan out my distractions well. I will bounce from video game over to TV over to radio and back in random sequences. Yet there is no silence in my life, only constant movement. Taking time away for prayer, meditation, and silence before God helps me to redefine myself as his child. It forces me away from false and cowardly relationships into true communion with God and knowledge of my identity in him. Therefore, I can separate myself from the rest of the world and understand myself outside of the constant desire for relationship.
These are the basics of my thoughts, with a few examples of how it plays out in my life. I'm not going any longer than this (though believe me, I could) because I've already got about seven pages of my own thoughts already, and I'm overpowering the discussion and don't want to. So, what are everyone else's experiences with these things? How does it play out in practice? What are other ways to understand sexual desires and singleness in a healthy manner? Tell me your own stories.

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