Villagersonline : blogs : clrclady : What I worship. . . .

From: clrclady
Date: Mon Aug 16 15:59:00 EDT 2010
Subject: What I worship. . . .

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clrclady: Realization (8/17/10)

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clrclady: Realization (8/17/10)

What if your worst nightmare happened? If I asked you to be like Abraham and leave everything and go to a new place or what happened to Lot happened and I destroyed everything around and sent you into the hills as a hermit, or everything fell apart and I sent you in hiding like David, what would you do? If all your traditions, family, dad, life, everything, just vanished before you, would I be enough? Could you give up all these other things that you worship: people, the family I gave you, home, shelter, food, and job. Would I be enough for you? Would I be faithful again to put the orphan and fatherless in a family? Do you really trust me?
The above is what seems like God has been asking me for the last week or so, probably much longer, and Eric’s message last night just hit it home in my heart. I keep going back that I know what it is like to be homeless, but the thing is that when I was homeless I stayed in 11 different places that were not my home over the course of a year, but I never stayed on the street. God took care of me. I know what it is to be abandoned by people and family, but God has always brought people alongside my life at every aspect of my life to care and love me. I know what it is to be unemployed, but God gave me a good job. I am so afraid of experiencing those things again that I grasp the things I have with a very closed fist. But it was God who gave them to me in the first place, and God is faithful if He takes them away He will give them to me again. I have struggled so much to let go of the things I worship in my life and I am understanding that it is a sin to worship the blessings God gives us as well and I have done that. I write this as a confession and as a fellow struggler to seek God over everything else. The more days I am with Him on this earth, the more I see I am such a mess and need Him so much more and more.

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From: clrclady
Date: Tue Aug 17 00:36:23 EDT 2010
Subject: Realization

I had a realization as I was praying about this today and talking to God and after being prayed for by a good friend. I have been memorizing James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." I realized that I have not been believing this. I know that God gives me all the good gifts that I have, but I am always waiting for the bad to come, there has to be a bad thing coming right around the corner. God cannot really be good. He has to be changing like shifting shadows, any minute he will beat me or attack me. This is what I grew up in my life, and I have put it on God forever. I have been struggling with it so much lately because I loss Lucky and I am grieving and feeling the loneliness of sleeping alone and broken traditions that have lasted 10 and a half years. And I have been holding everything else really tightly and worshiping everything else around for fear that the evil God would take something else. While He is pursuing me for a greater intimacy and peace and comfort, that when I relax into it is amazing but so vulnerable and out of control at the same time. He is offering a good and perfect gift because He is the God who never changes and works all for good, and I am not trusting Him because of my pain. Classic life experience. I have found it is such a hard process to sit in your grieve with open awake longings without making them demands. It is impossible without God I think.

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