From: clrclady
Date: Wed Sep 10 00:30:42 EDT 2008
Subject: Today, Singleness and Anger

Responses corwithani: thanks.. (9/13/08) Responses (sorted by date) corwithani: thanks.. (9/13/08) Had a long talk with Eric Cepin today. Even though we live together and I see him regularly, we don’t often talk for very long. Often because we are both very busy, and because as we were talking about today, I usually cannot sit still. We were talking about me being angry and wanting to be in control. My need to get value from what I do, and not being able to do much these last several months because I have been sick. My friendships, being lonely, etc. All good stuff. I think the biggest thing I learned from it was one thing Eric said and something that I noticed later as Sue came home. Eric said I was angry at the wrong person. I have been so angry at God and myself a lot. Me for not being able to get it “right.” I wish I could get my heart to believe my head that there is No RIGHT. And at God. Angry at God for felling sick for the last year and being incapacitated a lot these last few months, for my childhood, for where my bio family is right now, for Kelsea recently, for being single. As I am angry with God, I believe He is not Good and I am of no value. So I agree with Satan, throw in the toll and say SCREW YOU GOD. I begin to do things that hurt me. It is not always conscious, but somewhere there is this rebelliousness that says, “You give me this; you want me to take care of myself; well, I show you. I am going to do something that is not good for me.” And I smoke. Something I detest and makes me hurt, but it gives me some crazy since of control. INSANITY. Who I really should be angry with is Satan. But I have these weird thoughts in my head sometimes about Satan that he was just misunderstood, he really okay. To be honest I have never told anyone those thoughts. Confession is good. They are probably straight from Satan from my childhood. But when I saw similar things on a church street sign that read “Satan got a bum wrap.” I was furious. And yet I agree with him all the time. Where is my anger toward Satan who created this fallen world? That is a good question. God talked to me on the way home tonight from a home visit in Vail. Talking to be about sorrow. I should be sorrowful that my flesh is full of sin and rebellion that the world is full of suffering and grieve because it is fallen. Mourn that I am alone. The thing I noticed when Sue came home is Eric asked her how her time was. Simple – he is after all her husband. Eric and I talked so much about my friendships. And there are some things I would like differently in my friendships, but what I really long for, what I really desire is for a man to be in my bedroom occasionally who loves me and to ask me how I am. I was talking to God for a while about how much I am just longing for physical intimacy, just to be held and comforted. I think that goes with being sick. It is one of my deepest childhood longs when I spent so many nights in pain and suffering and I just longed for someone to hold me and say it would be OK. My sister did that sometimes as we hide in the closets when my mom and dad were fighting. My body has been in so much pain for so long and each day, each night I just long for someone to gather me up in their arms and hold me and say it will all be OK and caress my hair and just hold me tight, to the point that I let go and my body goes limp in their arms and I relax. It was about a week ago Sunday that I was talking and mourning to God about this and He clearly said that He wanted to meet me here in that longing and He wanted to hold me. I did not like that answer and then I got called about Kelsea and I was just an angry mess since, trying to talk to Him, but really being blocked. Started talking again today and mourning over this again. Reality is I really enjoy being single most of the time and God will heal me of this disease probably before I am married. But who knows how He will meet me in this longing. Hopefully, I will let Him if I will allow my body to go limp and rest and I will stay with myself for that long.

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From: corwithani
Date: Sat Sep 13 12:09:58 EDT 2008
Subject: thanks..