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Going back to what worked so long ago. I have realized in my life the last month that I have gotten lazy. I know many of you right now are thinking, “Cheryl is not lazy,” and in some areas I am not, but in other areas I really am. As I have been wrestling with singleness, mental illness, work and the bureaucracy night mare, my life and calling, and my seemingly difficult future, I have been reminded that I have gotten lazy in the gratefulness, trust, and remembrance factors. My comfortable status quo is gone, and now I got new work to address with Jesus.
I have this separate journal that I started working on over three years ago; it is only for the characteristics of God and His attributes. Each page is for one and then all the verses that apply are on that page or several if need be. I started it several years back when I wanted to read through the Bible again. I have read through the Bible a couple times since then, and I am always fascinated by new things and stuff He reminds me off. But this journal used to be my grounding and I would often thank God or talk to Him according to who He is and what He has done, instead of being so demanding of what I want right now. Tonight, I returned again to this beautiful journal as I have over the last month, but this time with new passion to see Jesus. I went right to a section on Jehovah-rapha (the Lord who Heals). This attribute of God came up this Sunday as a group of people were praying and it covered me like an old fuzzy blanket. Oh, the Lord who heals; how you have healed me!!! How you have bound up my broken heart and bound up my wounds as Psalm 147 talks about. I was in exile, with nothing literally nothing, not even a place to live, with the only people I talked to being biologically parents who were really out to make me more crazy and I think maybe destroy me at times. I do forgive them; they are wrapped up in the same tortuous bondage to Satan that I had been wrapped up for most of my life. I really dreamed when God miraculously freed me from the demons and the literal hell I was living in; that He would completely HEAL me. I have tried several times to get free from the chemical imbalance in my brain or deny that it was there. You my community cheered me along in 2011 to get down to the lowest dosage of medication that I had ever been, and I thought it would all work out. I was nearly healed. Our community has many people in it who have asked for healing; more appear more obvious and needful – like the ability to walk; many go on noticed for a long while, some do not get answered with a miracle from God and He has taken that wonderful husband and father to be with Him instead. I had not asked for healing in a long time. I thought: have this all under control; I can do this on my own with a little anger toward God that He did not COMPLETELY heal me that night on 11/11/04. I have been independent and not willing to hear the direction that He has been asking me to go in. As Eric talked about on Sunday, I have kept my little pet sins to fill me up whether that be approval, success at work, food, controlling my environment, riding my mania a little too much without talking about it. God has done amazing things in my life to heal me, and I am in an amazing place. A place that I would have never dreamed of being in 14 years as I sat homeless, psychotic, and in a psych hospital that refused to take care of me because they had labeled me with a personality disorder that was “unhelpable.” I am nowhere near that place now, but Satan has been trying desperately to convince me that that is the truth of my situation which is so far from truth. I do pray that Abba will completely heal my mind and sort out the crazy chemicals that are hidden from everyone around, but if He does not, and the route He wants me to take is to be on this crazy dosage of medication then that is the way He has to heal me and stabilize me now this side of Heaven. He has done so much; placed the orphan with family, blessed me beyond belief, given me so much, and had me prosper at my job. He is trustworthy to take care of me, so I have to moment by moment remind myself of who God really is: The all powerful, sovereign, holy, loving, compassionate . . . .Lord and King of all. |
