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From: clrclady
Date: Wed Jun 29 20:51:32 MST 2005 Subject: Some Things I have been learning

I was thinking today that it has been nearly a month since I have blogged, well 22 days to be exact about the same time frame that I have been in pain. Yesterday was the first day that I was not taking 800 mg of Advil every four hours to get through the day. Hooray!!!! Granted the pain was increasing less a few days after Rod and Eric prayed for me by that point the Advil was actually making the pain go away when before it was not even making a dent. I have no idea how people manage chronic pain and staying present. I really lived with constant pain my entire life, inflicted by myself or others, but I always dissociated through it. This was a new experience to try to stay present through the pain and take care of myself. It was done right frustrating.
So, with all that said, I wanted to share what God has been talking to me about the last couple of weeks as I have been unable to “do” my normal routine of activities. I am so often plagued with this lie that my value comes out of what a do and if others are happy with what I am doing than I am valuable. It makes me constantly looking for the “right thing to do” to please people. So, I obsess about ministering to more people, being the best supervisor, making sure the kitchen is not cluttered in the attempt to do the right thing so people will not abandon me or get mad at me. So, I was reading Galatians and Paul just gets really angry about people like me. Galatians 2:21 reads “for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” He goes on to call them “foolish” in chapter 3 for trying to “attain your goal by human effort . . . after beginning with the Spirit” in verse 3. Verse 5 reads “Does God give you His spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?” It is a good question. Has God done good things in my life because what I have done, because I have found the “right way,” or just because He loved me and wants good things for me. For Christ died for us when we were still His enemy doing nothing good, we were dead in our transgressions. However, I see a lot of people around me, including myself, trying to attain to the “right thing,” trying to observe some kind of law of what is the right thing to do. I think we rob ourselves of joy, of living in rest in God, of living in the truth that He has given us a good heart and given us life. The other verse that God has been really placing on my heart is Isaiah 30:15, “This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’” How often I do have none of this!!! How often I try to attain approval by doing, by acting, by trying to find the right thing to do, or trying to justify all my actions that they are the right thing to do when God is just wanting me to repent, rest, be quiet, and trust Him. Those are so much harder and so much more vulnerable. So, the beginning of this and what Eric asked for us to do this Sunday, I confess that I constant try to justify all of my actions and try to win approval from everyone around me by doing things that I think they want me to do. My law in my head is the approval of my father. If I can get everything just right, he will accept me and love me. Even though I know that I should be looking to God who already loves and accepts me. I am still trying to meet up to this law to affirm my value. So, I am starting to work on repentance, rest, being quiet, and trusting God instead.

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