Villagersonline : blogs : clrclady : Singlehood Ramblings

From: clrclady
Date: Mon Sep 19 14:33:24 MST 2005
Subject: Singlehood Ramblings

Responses
Karen: Oh, brother (where art thou?) (9/19/05)

Karen: Halves of a whole thing (9/19/05)

clrclady: I remember (9/19/05)

Karen: All that's sexuality is not sex.... (9/19/05)

Karen: Greek festival this weekend--OPA! (9/19/05)

Patricia: circumstances (9/20/05)

Karen: My 2 cents (maybe 3) (9/20/05)

Boojeee: hmmm (9/21/05)

Karen: WHOOOOOOOOSH.... (9/21/05)

Responses (sorted by date)
Karen: WHOOOOOOOOSH.... (9/21/05)
Boojeee: hmmm (9/21/05)
Karen: My 2 cents (maybe 3) (9/20/05)
Patricia: circumstances (9/20/05)
Karen: Greek festival this weekend--OPA! (9/19/05)
Karen: All that's sexuality is not sex.... (9/19/05)
clrclady: I remember (9/19/05)
Karen: Halves of a whole thing (9/19/05)
Karen: Oh, brother (where art thou?) (9/19/05)

It is hard being single, and yet, I delight that I am here because I love it at the same time. There is such a stigma on being single in the Christian world. I do not notice it as much in the secular world. Although the whole idea of an entertainment book with buy one get one free items is annoying. I really dislike being conflicted by my singleness. On one hand, I have a deeper and more intimate and amazing relationship with God as I have Him and no husband, boyfriend, significant other to look to for my constant affirmation, Him to sit and lay with at night in my room alone, Him to go to when I feel alone. On the other hand, my heart aches deep inside as I see the way some husbands in the church love on their wives; it is a glorious thing to see, but it tugs on the longing to have that myself. As I was watching people last night, a husband caught my eye as he was delighting in his wife and what she does. I began to cry as I know how much he loves and cares for her and as God whispered, “I gaze at you like that. You are My delight, My love.” God meeting me in my longing as He does. But the conflicted feelings still remain. If I dive into my singleness and really rejoice with all of the good things that I have, am I saying that I do not long to be married. But what else do I have an option to do because I really have no real desire to strive to be married or in a romantic relationship right now (unless of course it was a REALLY GOOD ONE). I see people striving for relationships, striving to be married, and it hurts my heart that they are not rejoicing in all the goodness of having the intimacy that can be found in being single and with God. Then again, I often get attacked that this very idea or philosophy makes me some sort of freak. After all, so many believe that a person (man or female) is not complete unless they are married. Then there is the idea that I am not a complete woman unless I have a child. What if I never marry, never have a child, am I still complete? Some around me think yes, some think no, others think yes for me but maybe not for themselves completely. I have just been referred to recently as being Paul. Single, divorced, married but separated. Not sure what his status was, but his entire ministry he lived single, talks about the benefits of remaining single if you can handle the sexual side of life (which brings up even more junk – What exactly is a single person’s sexuality?). So, that is the conflicted state of being a freed, single, woman warrior in a world that was created for husbands and wives and their children. Any thoughts?

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From: Karen
Date: Mon Sep 19 15:27:21 MST 2005
Subject: Oh, brother (where art thou?)

Ahhhhhh Cheryl, you KNOW I have, like, a million thoughts, girlfriend... A year or so ago, I proposed the idea at Applebee's (can't remember if you were there, but I think you were...it was PCE--pre-Cheryl emanicipation--if you know what I mean): why don't we get ourselves together and write our own book about it? And if the Gospel Supplies publishers won't sell it, gosh darn it, we'll do it ourselves ;-)
First thought was your "whaddya do with your sexuality" question reminded me of our rectangle-table discussion back then, re: coping mechanisms that just don't seem to work. Sigh. But there's nothing wrong, I think, with healthy distractions from time to time. And I do recognize the fine and potentially toxic line between healthy distraction and, like, hiding your heart & stuff. I don't know...whaddya do w/your sexuality when you're celibate out of obedience to God... did I have a good answer for you then, Cheryl? That's one seriously Zen question, I think. I personally vote for LOTS of dark humor as a coping mechanism.
And here's my second thought: evangelical Xian culture thinks it's cool 'nough when the teens put on the True Love Waits rings, but what would you think about, for example, ME wearing such a ring????!!!!????? If you like the idea, go ahead and buy me one ;-)

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From: Karen
Date: Mon Sep 19 15:38:56 MST 2005
Subject: Halves of a whole thing

Oh, and I meant to comment a bit on the "single=incomplete" thing. That Jerry Macguire, "You complete me" thing. By thing, can I call a spade a spade & call it HERESY? That heresy stems back to the philosopher Plato. All the way back to the Golden Age of Athens. You might notice that, although Platonic ramblings are older than at least 1/3 of the Bible, they are not included in the Christian canon. Nevertheless, those darn Greco-Romans have infiltrated our thought processes, right down to the sermons given at Christian weddings. And I say it's high time we fight back!
(Having said that, anyone interested in attending the Greek festival coming up at St. Demetrios in a couple of weeks? I'm sure some of the single people are available...I'll let you know the weekend.)
And by the way, I'm still interested in ditching the singleness thing, when I can. Have a nice day, y'all.

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From: clrclady
Date: Mon Sep 19 15:48:40 MST 2005
Subject: I remember

I remember the conversation at Applebee's. I was a bit out of it as it was PCE. Derek was deeply involved with the conversation and I don't think he was ever resolved on this issue. Anyway, I feel that there is a lot to sexuality that is not sex, but that is a touchy subject to get into and I am still trying to figure it out, so do not want to say much.
(I am a go for the Greek Festival. Love that idea. )
The one thing that is really nice with all of this singleness is that we do have this community that welcomes us in regardless. I just think that there needs to be some more discussion with the truth of what a single person has to offer and the truth of what a married person has to offer and for them to be offering that to each other. And there is a lot of need to wrestle through the whole sexuality thing in all areas.

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From: Karen
Date: Mon Sep 19 16:00:50 MST 2005
Subject: All that's sexuality is not sex....

Yeah, I agree, I could give examples.... (but does someone else want to jump in on this two-way conversation that's obviously happening in a self-imposed break in our crazy work days)

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From: Karen
Date: Mon Sep 19 16:07:11 MST 2005
Subject: Greek festival this weekend--OPA!

Tucson Greek Festival Sept. 22-25 A Greek cultural experience, with homemade Greek food, Greek music and dancing, and imports. Proceeds help local needy families, UA scholarships, and Community Food Bank. St. Demetrios Orthodox Church, (520) 888-0505. (They're on Ft. Lowell, between Mountain and 1st Avenue.)
We can call them later for more details, if needed. Heading off to my chiropractor's right now. Sleeping on Mary Kay's floor the other night didn't set right w/my back ;-) When do people want to go, Friday evening (early enough for Cheryl to be awake, of course) or Saturday afternoon/evening? Anyone?

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From: Patricia
Date: Tue Sep 20 14:06:19 MST 2005
Subject: circumstances

Okay, Karen, I'm taking your bait.
Singleness / marriedness - They're each equally mystical and mysterious and, well, a mixed bag. Being married is probably only better than being single, if your marriage is really good. Makes me wonder about Paul's experience of marriage...
Having sexual fulfillment is not necessarily what happens once you are married. Loneliness is not cured with matrimony. And the temptation to expect your spouse to fulfill that which only God can fulfill is very real, very sneaky and socially promoted.
I have experience with living life poorly, or not well, as a single as well as a married. Either way, envy hits hard. Living well in either situation is DIFFICULT. I have squandered away any chance of ever experiencing holy singleness. In doing so I also jeopardized my chance to live well as a married woman. Once married it is much harder to change from a shut-down life to a healthy one. Change without the cooperation of the spouse brings much friction. Change requires work. Only change for the worse comes effortlessly.
I'm not helping, am I? Perhaps what it boils down to is that life really actually sucks. And if we keep our eyes focused on this then we drown. Gotta focus on something else, something good. The prize that Paul keeps talking about. Blessings now, bliss later.

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From: Karen
Date: Tue Sep 20 14:51:32 MST 2005
Subject: My 2 cents (maybe 3)

Hi Trizia! Thanks for posting, and I hear ya. I've heard the "flies on the screen" analogy before: the ones inside want out, the ones outside want in.
I think what Cheryl is talking about is not whether singleness or matrimony is better, per se, but more how to deal with feeling like a cultural freak when you're past a certain age and still unattached... (a word I've used more than once to describe myself, usually just a dark-humored reflection of how this screwed-up world really does see me--has anyone heard about that new comedy coming out concerning, um, protracted singleness?---hmmm) Then the cultural awkwardness opens you up to the Accuser: why have *I* been left on the shelf? Am I an abysmal failure? Am I a hideous cow? What have I done to deserve this? Now, that would be unhealthy self-contempt, yes? (Can I get an "amen" to that?)
Of course, if you're in a marriage, you might wrestle--and you almost certainly have wrestled--with these same types of accusations from you-know-who, just in a different context. And with the added complexity of another person with their own freewill.
I think what Cheryl's talking about in her original post--let me know if I'm wrong, clrclady--is a poorly defined American Christian cultural context for being single *and unattached*, past a certain age (when is that magic number? I dunno, maybe as low as 25, although I wince to say that low...definitely for women, it kicks in around 30) Here's an example of the poorly defined context. Say you're struggling within a marriage relationship, it's pretty normal (so normal it's a cliche) to seek marital counseling with a pastor or therapist. Since "fix it or forget about it" --in the sense of quick divorce--is not accepted within evangelical culture.
But if you're struggling with your singleness/sexuality within a singleness context, what is the "Christian" thing to do? Is there anyone in Tucson who specializes in Christian *singleness* counseling? ;-) Usually the Christian route is either "fix it" (i.e., work harder to find a significant other--and are you really trying hard enough to do that?--"striving" was Cheryl's word) but there's also "forget about it" (bury that longing in whatever way you so choose) and the ever popular "pray about it" --been there, heard that too! So anyway my feeling is that a lot of people think marriage struggles are to be dealt with/worked through directly, and hopefully with help from others, while singleness struggles are to be waited out patiently in prayer, or alternatively "solved" by finding a mate. (Of course there are probably many who think even marriage struggles are to be silently "waited out" or magically "solved" from something coming from the outside... That's obviously baloney, too!) I'd like a new paradigm for everyone, in which we all support each other in the happy and the sad. In the agonies and the ecstasies of this life, in Heaven's Besieged Annex, AKA Earth.
Another point: what do you do if you're within a church (not the Village) that restricts singles' participation in leadership activities? Oh, there's not a written rule or anything, but when you look around, you see that it's marrieds doing this, that, and the other thing. And the singles are in predictable places: working with the junior high/high school/maybe college ministries (but usually working in tandem with marrieds). For example, those of you w/American evangelical backgrounds, how many churches have you been in with single pastors/elders?
Something I heard Cheryl saying was along the lines of the feeling (pardon the expression), damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like, if I'm becoming a joy-filled, truly healthy single woman, (1) how can I still feel that painful longing--is it even OK to allow myself that pain when it comes? (answer is "yes," but the working out of the yes is the hard part) and (2) if a guy looking in on my life from the outside sees that I'm content, will he assume I'm not interested or that he doesn't have much to offer me since I'm already pretty "happy" (or somethin' like that). How "full" can my life become before I reach that point? How much will I then have to give up to be married? Is my life "full," is it characterized by life and true freedom, or is it just full of business to distract me from heartache? (This is where having good friends to tell you the TRUTH comes in.) Bottom line: it's all ambiguous and pretty darn bittersweet to me.

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From: Boojeee
Date: Tue Sep 20 17:27:28 MST 2005
Subject: hmmm

I am glad to be in a space where I am ministered to and minister to my single friends. It's a tough road sometimes. Sometimes I long for my friends to have something of the beauty of being a wife or mother. I almost feel guilty that I have something they don't. Why do I get something that others do not? Sorta adds a bitterness to the sweet. Sometimes I look at the tragic messes that I have ended up with as a wife and mother and I am grateful that God has not brought these same women some of the anguish that is a part of marriage. Sometimes I think it would have been so much easier for them to come into themselves if God had granted them a mate, and sometimes I see who they are becoming [particularly you warrior princesses] and I think God has been merciful to delay this in your life. I try to believe that God is good and that he cares about our longings, but it doesn't often look that obvious. I am grateful to be a part of people coming alive to their longings and to their gifts and to their true identities, but I wish it were a less painful process.
I would not be where I am today [which is a good ways along the path of longing and healing and becoming] were it not for my single friends and their involvement in my life. Still not sure why that gets to become me as a more-alive wife and mother and not them. As to this world being created for husbands and wives and their children, I have to say on the surface that may be true, but I have not found much in the world--christian or otherwise--that has encouraged me on the path to becoming the kind of wife and mother I think God is leading me to be. It all feels pretty identity-sucking out there. I think we just have to look to each other to find what it means to live abundantly in the midst of whatever circumstances.
By the way, I'll keep praying just the same that God grants you the longings of your hearts in this matter.

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From: Karen
Date: Wed Sep 21 16:06:00 MST 2005
Subject: WHOOOOOOOOSH....

That's the sound of identity-sucking. Sucking is right!
Hard road #1) Marrying young, then painfully having to figure out how to be married before you're even sure of how to be a "grownup." I saw this with my parents--an aching sort of beauty, far from picture-perfect.
Hard road #2) Not marrying young, even though you would have loved to, even though your role models and your best friends all did, wondering, did you miss the boat? Then realizing that you had stepped onto another boat, not a spacious but noisy cruise ship, but a cramped yet seaworthy sailboat headed for a distant, unknown, intriguing, but underdeveloped and therefore often uncomfortable island, which only a few of your peers had seen pictures of, much less visited. Kinda like Yap before cell phones. Sometimes, it *feels* like Yap after the tsunami, though ;-)
There are other hard roads at the Village--probably as many hard roads as there are people--but sometimes the roads may cross at the middle, although it may not look like it at first glance.
Thanks, Booj, and you're welcome, too.

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