Responses
Patricia: wow (2/14/05)
Boojeee: Amen (2/14/05)
KeithB: No Subject (2/17/05)
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Responses (sorted by date)
KeithB: No Subject (2/17/05)
Boojeee: Amen (2/14/05)
Patricia: wow (2/14/05)
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As soon as Eric placed a call for people to write about what was going on with them, I wanted to write but was at a loss on what to say. I could talk about my week that has just been crazy. Working at CPS is insane at times and if you watched the news this week, you know what I have been dealing with this week. I deal with the severely wounded and the wounded who do the wounding. Along with nine people that I supervise who almost everyone had a personal breakdown this week. And I am: supervisor, counselor, teacher, mom, friend, enemy, all in one. I got beaten up by a five year old which resulted in five bite marks and a soar head and neck. And, I got rejected by my only sibling. Oh, did I mention that it was my birthday. I turned 29, still single. I never stopped this week. Every day and night, I was pouring into people and getting pulled out by people. It was a crazy week, but in all of this something very powerful could have been missed and at times was almost lost this week. More important than my birthday was an anniversary this week - 2/10th - Thursday was three months since I have last harmed myself. A very powerful thing happened three months ago, I was set free, was liberated from more bondage in one week than I ever dreamed would have been possible and from the torment of demons who coexisted with me at least 19 years (If you want the whole story - let me know - happy to share). It would be a mark of the end of my self harm. I have violently attacked myself, cut myself, burned myself, forced myself to throw up, smoked purposefully to shut down and harm myself at various times over the past 26 years. Yes, that does make me three when I started. I had lived with constant, nagging thoughts of actively killing myself for 13 years; I even continued to have them through various rounds of psychotropic medication. The constant nagging has been gone for the first time in over a decade for the past three months. The idea to hurt myself to escape life, escape emotional pain, to shut down and numb floats in every once in a while. But I have been able to rebuke it and have it be gone where as before it never really went away ever. People have stopped asking me if I have the thoughts as I did not for a while. And the thoughts are not the same. But this week they were hard. Lots of pain to see in the world, in my life, the thought that I could escape it floats in more often. But in the same moment, I look at a two inch red scar on my leg inflicted in November and cannot believe that it was my hand that did that because I am so far away from it. Life came three months ago Thursday. I piece of life that I never had dreamed existed. And I do not know what to do with it. Freedom is confusing. I have not arrived in any fashion as the struggle to escape life is still there at times, but there has been so much healing. This week would have taken me out of the picture three months ago. So, I rejoice, grieve, mourn, cry, laugh, and desire to hope and Celebrate. This week was three months of alive, life for me. Pain and all, that is what it will be remembered for. |
