Overstimulated, confused, my head is racing, running since 3 am with the sound of scales
within my brain as talk of overdosing and children come to mind. Children little ones, covered in urine, dirt, lice. Glass, methadone, paraphernalia within reach. Babies born in ditches. Drug exposed newborns. Countless, unknown drugs. Sexual perpetrator - five year old. Children rejected. “We do not want him. He is too much.” Such common words. Everyday words. I go into mode - task, direction, clarity, facts. Are they really human beings anymore? Case number, identification number, ages, placements, dates of birth. Facts, facts. Where is emotion? None. It is lost. Must resolve the madness. Calm the storm. No emotion. Constant control. Did I ever cry for the children? I know I did once. Not in the beginning. Not now. I cry for my workers. They are not numbers, faces they hold in the cosmic universe. Haunt me at night with the darkness in their lives. Plague me at day with the pain in their hearts. I bandage them, apply the salve and throw them back to the wolves. Back to the battle. Back to the countless number of children suffering. They battle relentlessly, battle with strength and unknown confidence. They battle and then they weep. I weep not with them. My weeping comes at night, when it comes, if it ever comes. Or it comes in quiet moments when the world becomes too heavy for my shoulders, and I remember that I am not the one that should be carrying it. And I fling pieces of It at God. Bloody pieces, urine filled pieces, sharp pieces, cold pieces, angry pieces, wet pieces, dirty pieces, unknown pieces. For Him to make since of the madness which He never does explain. Answers in Heaven? Really, do you think He will give us answers? Is there really any answers that would ever be sufficient? Or is it all going to be washed away with the wipe of the tears from our faces as we offer up blooded children to a Sovereign God? Where are the tears? Where is the emotion? Was it ever there? |