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From: clrclady
Date: Mon Dec 24 18:04:32 EST 2007 Subject: Insanity and Bipolar

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kimc: AWESOME (12/25/07)
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kimc: AWESOME (12/25/07)
It has been so long since I blogged; I cannot even remember what I blogged about. I used to have more time at work to sneak a peek or say something, but now I am all stressed out in middle management. Except today, which is Christmas Eve and there is noone around, and I am getting to sneak a peek again after a long while.

It is very interesting because I stopped really blogging because of fear. Fear of retaliation from people. Fear that basically my family (bio, not this family)would get information to try to continue to tell me I am insane.

Insanity is an interesting thing; that is really misunderstood. Jesse was joking around last night after the whole crowd was at Village Inn and I had another episode of blacking out. He said, "Are you mental?" I said, "Of course, I am." He said, "No, really are you mentally ill." I said, "yes" again. He said, "But you do not stand on the corner and ask for money," in his best drunken accent. I said, "I would if I were off my meds." He is a pre-teen trying to understand things and not really being socially correct, but it is kind of fun. I then told him that I spent time in two psych hospitals. He exclaimed with why I had not told him this before. I wandered around this conversation about him being too young before; until, Keith piped in and reminded me that Anna was sitting in the backseat too. We stopped talking about it. But it is a very interesting thing for people to grasp. I hear prejudice talk about Bipolars all the time in my field. How difficult they are? How they are "crazy"? How they never progress forward? Sometimes, I pipe in and announce. Well, I am Bipolar. It makes everyone silent. I have been telling more and more of my story to people in my work place. I have been broadening it greatly. I feel like I have already left a mark on this place and I continue to be recognized, so I really want them to know that people can grow and change. I HAVE. We are, after all, in a field where we have to believe in change or we would not help anyone. It is sad that there are some who do not believe people change.

However, the most interesting reaction that I have had recently is a fellow believer telling me that I should talk to his Sunday School Group. I was talking about being homeless at one point. He already knew about me being freed from the demons.

The next day I went to an endroconologist for my thyroid. Within 2 minutes, she said, "I am not worried about your thyroid." For the next 20 or so minutes she talked to me about the fact that I have lost 114 lbs this year and I should go into public speaking. It was funny just how excited she was about it when I was a perfect stranger to her.

But, it got me thinking. Several, several years ago, I dreamt of being a national public speaker. I really had no clue what I would talk about, and I was (and still am part of the time) affraid to talk in front of any group larger than 20 people. I have moved up to 20 people because I have done trainings in front of that me for my work. Actually, I even made it up to nearly 100 at one point. But what of that dream of public speaking. It would be good as Rod pushes me to write and publish my story. So, it just sparked in my a day or two ago. That God might really have this somewhere in my path. How excited and totally scarry that would be!!! I wander what the person who told me cutters were freaks (before they knew I was a cutter) would think.

Anyway, Yes, Jesse, I am mental; I only look normal because of chemicals (5 of them to be exact). Another long term friend of mine asked the other day in hesitantion (because I know from our time in High School that she never wanted to be on any med for her life), "So, will you have to do this life long?" I proudly said, "yes, of course." It was the first time I really excepted my medication. I like to freak people out and tell them that I am Bipolar, but I praise God that he created medication because I do not want to reply Vincent Van Gough's life.

So that was my random blog on insanity.

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