From: clrclady
Date: Mon Feb 20 21:56:10 EST 2012
Subject: In preparation for lent

It has been a full day; beautiful weather, long walk, prayer, reading, talking with God and friends, resting, processing, a mini-pastoral lecture, confession, good home cooked food, and a long bath that just made me forget everything but the moment. What a beautiful day. For the past six months or so, God has been asking me to let go. Announce and let go: Be John the Baptist. I have been resistant, complained that I did not understand, stubborn, but mostly I have been terrified of what He was asking me to do which is to be the woman He created to me with all my flaws, craziness, passion, brokenness, and seemingly to most unbelievable story of His power. For the third time tonight from the third person, I have been told that I have got to let go of control or it will be worse (not the exact words every time, but the basic message every time). So, as I lost myself in a beautiful warm bath, I searched out my Savior yet again. However, this time was in submission to letting go of control and I asked, “Why am I so terrified?” I am terrified of becoming my father’s daughter; terrified of the evil that lies within that I was birthed into; terrified of the damage that I could do if I just let go. But the truth of that matter is, since becoming an adult, the worst damage that I have done is when I was doing my own thing instead of God’s thing. I have so many excuses of why I of all people should not let go and let God. I have nightmares of a child’s blood pooling at my feet, demons who were my only friends and companions, shallow graves that should of had me in them and not the child that was there, monstrous wolf like creature who oppressed me but I seemed to become at times so many times. I hear out of the same mouth, “You are our favorite; you are the good daughter; we love you so much,” mixed in with the words of hatred followed by pain of all sorts and the words, “You are Satan’s Bride. You belong to him. I could kill you in a moment if you do not do what I say.” As Rod often says to us all, I see God as my earthly father. He has given me so many good, blessings, but what if I screw up really bad which is always undefined those terrifying and He will destroy me, sending me to an eternity of punishment, burning, and forever grieving without His presence. I have to let go of my mind, my actions, people’s thoughts of me, my body, my work, my home life, my finances, those I love so dearly to Him and His care. I need to hold onto the truth that Jesus’ blood and resurrection covers and wipes clean all evil past, present, and future that I have, will, or might do, and that His blood will bring all evil to a good in time. I need to be patient with Him, with myself, with my community, with my life. All I have is this moment and this day with Him. I pray for needed sleep, rest in His arms whatever that means or will bring. I will fast having to have things figured out and set up nice and neat in my head and all worked out for Lent and I will rest in God's arms taking the next Godly step.

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