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From: clrclady
Date: Wed Mar 26 00:08:15 EDT 2008 Subject: Freedom!!

Responses
Suki: Cool Beans! (3/26/08)
adriennelynne: yeah! (3/29/08)
SPark: Hurray! (3/26/08)
emily: No Subject (3/28/08)
Responses (sorted by date)
adriennelynne: yeah! (3/29/08)
emily: No Subject (3/28/08)
SPark: Hurray! (3/26/08)
Suki: Cool Beans! (3/26/08)
Prewarning: this is probably going to be a rambling blog because I am figuring out what to write about as I write it. Life just came into focus too well today to not talk about it. Do you ever have those moments that you just know all is right in the world and you are on a good path? The moment when there is chaos around you and you know that we live in a fallen, broken world, but you are bringing in the goodness of Jesus’ kingdom even as you are surrounded by darkness. I had one of those days, two days in a row. I was supposed to be in Phoenix today and ended up not going and yesterday I was supposed to be in a meeting all day that ended up to be canceled both very important. Because yesterday I was able to leave work and help a fellow Villager in crisis and God provided and solved it, and today I was able to minister to a non-believer who I have been praying for. So, I just want to proclaim – God is Sovereign even though He does not work into my schedule. (By the way, keep in mind that I am like Rod in that my sin is that I believe nothing will ever change – He wrote a blog about that a while ago.)

I am a big scheduler. When I came to the Village four years ago, I was obsessed with time. I had worn a watch since I was 16 years old. Primarily to hide the continuous open wound that laid beneath the watch, but also to make sure that I was always on time. To always stay on schedule, so I would know what to expect and what would happen next. To be early to things, so that I could scope out the place, figure out my surroundings, watch the people that came in and figure out what they wanted from me and what I needed to do. I scheduled because I was worried that I would not be prepared and then I would be found doing the “wrong” thing and then be punished or scorned. I have been so supposed with scheduling that I have even broken down my time off work into what I would do each and every 15 to 30 minutes. You know you can NEVER keep to a schedule like that, so if I did not I would condemn myself as a failure. There is absolutely no joy in that, even your activities have no joy because you are just doing them because it is part of your schedule. Two weeks ago, I went to writing up another schedule for myself. I was going to do it differently this time. I talked to God first about what He wanted me to do. I made a list of those things that I felt He was talking to me about. Then, He just stopped me. I wrote in big letters across my journal, “FREEDOM.” I felt like God wanted me to have freedom in my life; He has been trying to create freedom in my life for years. I did not write up my schedule.

So, I started last week. Monday morning, late to a devotional bible study that some people from work are doing (I have been struggling sleeping and struggling waking up in the morning). My first response was to pour contempt on myself and not go, but I got up and went and it was a really strong time with my coworkers praying for CPS. That evening I was supposed to exercise and get together with Andrea. I had a tremendous migraine when I got home from work from the fluorescent lights I was under and did not exercise and canceled with Andrea (something I hate to do because I hate to disappointment people, but I remembered that there was freedom and did not beat myself up). It ended up that God had me destined to fall asleep and have a nightmare which would trigger confession of one of my sins. Also on Monday, I would be invited camping with the Brunsons. I had to cancel some things – one more time with Andrea to go, but I really felt like it would be so good to go (I had not been camping in forever and when Julie asked me I was so excited and touched that I began to cry). During the camping trip, Julie would have time to talk to me about some of my sin that goes along with always having to have things scheduled. I often times repeat what people are saying or finish sentences or anticipate and do things for people before they ask. It gets annoying at times to people, and I can understand that. It looks like I have to always be in control, which it is probably rooted in me having to be in control, but for the first time instead of condemning myself for not getting it right when Julie confronted me I really thought about why it is that I do that – I choice freedom.

When I grew up, my mother would often use the excuse that she was dumb and did not know things so that she would never take responsibility for anything. She often would talk about things and just stop in the middle and look at me to finish her thought. If I did not finish her thought she got mad at me that I was not listening to her. If I said something that was not what she had in her head, she got mad at me that I was not really listening to her. My mom would often rage when she got mad, and I am talking rage. She would do the same thing about things around the house. I was to know what needed to be done, and often times was told, “You should do that without having to be asked.” Whatever “that” was changed often and I had to read the house constantly to know what needed to be done, what she wanted, what my father wanted. If I failed and missed something, I would at minimum be screamed at and scorned at worst get beat so bad that it hurt to sit for days or weeks. I have lived with this constantly in my life and have taken on as second nature the need to meet all the needs around before someone would hurt me for not doing it. It was amazing to realize; I did not have to do this anymore. The reason why I started it was no longer here and it was never supposed to happen that way. WOW!!! I had believed this before in my head, but I think this weekend it got to my gut. I am not responsible for making everyone happy and when I try to make everyone happy, I am really annoying instead. God wants freedom

When one tries to do everything right and make everyone happy, they worry a lot. Worry about everything, and I mean everything. It is very time consuming and stressful. God wanted freedom in my worrying too. I got to church on Sunday for Easter, and I wanted to sit by Kim. She was sitting in one of the front tables with all the problems I have been having with my head and headaches I did not want to be that close to the speakers. I would have never before asked her if we could sit in another spot, but I did on Sunday, and she happily moved with me. Freedom. I began to get a migraine while the lights were up after the service, so I went outside and sat by the wall. I thought that this was horrible because I was not interacting with anyone, but then God blessed me and I had great little interactions with everyone leaving the church.

Yesterday got her and I had to cancel plans with Blanca because I thought I would have to go to Phoenix today. I did it without condemning myself. Then, I was all excited about having a day in my office. Usually on Monday’s I am in a management meeting all afternoon, but it was canceled on Monday. My plan, get all my work done. I was almost finished with everything and had time to get ahead when at 3:30pm a Villager called in crisis. My first response was to stay to my schedule; I could tell her what to do and it would be worked out the next day. I got of the phone with her and God just said to make a call about someplace to go in crisis. I made that call and left work and got the person through the crisis. It was so amazing that being we were at the clinic at the time we were at the clinic my friend was able to see her old doctor and get her meds on the spot just in time to make our Bible Study that night. So, much for the schedule.

Today, I realized something had changed. That something in all of this had gotten to my gut. My schedule was shifted so that I could attend a high profile staffing from 4-5pm; I would not be going to Phoenix. I got up early and got to work early and got done with what I was working on yesterday. I would spend the rest of the day going from meeting to meeting and never being in my office for more than 10 minutes during the day. There was many a heated discussion and I even managed to get on the phone to deal with Phoenix, and I never felt worried about what I was doing, if I was doing it right, or if I could actually do it or not. I just did what had to be done at the next step. My mind even wandered at one point to my budget which I always worry about, and I just softly heard, “you have everything you need.” I thought, I do. I have everything I need for today and tomorrow and Thursday I get paid, so all will be fine. I went to my meeting at 4pm and I had to make one of the hardest decisions that I have had to make in the past six months. This decision will change a ten year old’s life forever and his life will never be the same. I stated my stance and held to what I had talked to God about doing and stated my position. There would be deep conversation for the next hour, but the decision still stood. I thought that there was no hope for this child to have an OK childhood and at the very end there was a glimmer of hope that no one had thought about. (That is all I can say about this because of confidentiality).

I spent the next two hours sitting in a bar with a coworker and her significant other who do not have God, who I have been talking about God with. We talked and talked. We walked back to the office and she hugged me and kissed my check. I drove away and realized that I could never survive this job and the decisions that I have to make if it was not for God. It would utterly destroy me. I have seen it destroy others. And I see it trying to destroy her as she has started smoking again and really not taking care of herself because of stress. I believe that I am the only believer who has ever shown her kindness and understanding, and if that is all God allows me to do, that is worth it. But she knows I am different. I was supposed to swim and do art tonight. Instead, I sat in a bar talking about how hard it is to make decisions that completely and utterly change children’s lives and the stress that that creates in us. God’s schedule was so much better.

Freedom!!! That is what He is teaching me. And things do change even when I believe they never will.

PS – For all of you who understand this as a praise, I was under fluorescent lights almost all day with no migraine for the first time in weeks. (If you want to know the details – come ask me).

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From: Suki
Date: Wed Mar 26 13:45:36 EDT 2008 Subject: Cool Beans!

Cheryl, thanks for your blog. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. I feel a deep sense of rejoicing with you in a really excited, refreshed way. Jesus is always creating beauty!

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From: adriennelynne
Date: Sat Mar 29 09:30:21 EDT 2008 Subject: yeah!

What it was supposed to read was how excited I am for you to walk into FREEDOM! I loved reading your post seeing how God is working in your life. :) I miss being able to hear it from you in person though....
I suppose the Hungry Fox will be there when we visit again. :)

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From: SPark
Date: Wed Mar 26 17:32:26 EDT 2008 Subject: Hurray!

Jump around, Jump around!!

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