Villagersonline : blogs : clrclady : Confession and Realizations

From: clrclady
Date: Tue Jun 24 20:32:14 EDT 2008
Subject: Confession and Realizations

Responses
adriennelynne: response (6/25/08)

Patricia: a connected thought (6/25/08)

emily: balance (6/29/08)

Responses (sorted by date)
emily: balance (6/29/08)
Patricia: a connected thought (6/25/08)
adriennelynne: response (6/25/08)

I have to admitt I have been bad at keeping up with the internet, but I wanted to do some confession and start a conversation about what the Village and Eric has been talking about lately. Eric has been talking a lot about that fact that we live out of fear and anxiety. I have been distant from this in the last couple of years because I have so much less fear than I had four years ago, but I still do live out of great fear. I have lived on fear and in survival mode all of my live, and it is only in the past four years being at the Village and being free from Demons that I have experienced a safe place to live, to grow, around me, and in my own being. But I had a real wake up call this weekend about how much fear and anxiety I live in. I totally cracked up and fell apart into a “crisis, crying, mess” this weekend over the most petties, easy to solve thing, that REALY was not IMPORTANT. I started wondering, “What was that about?” I know ultimately it is about a lack of trust in the people around me and God, but as Eric preached on Sunday and I read through my journal on Monday night at Bible Study, I realized I was resiting God in a lot more stuff.
Eric talked about the fact that we all have something to offer other people. We are all disciples and we are all followers. Over the past few years and especially in the this year, God has been showing me that He wants me to offer Him and my life and experience in Him. My intimacy and feelings of God as my husband, my prayer time for people and praying things into their lives, doing the liturgical hours and lifting the community up communally, and talking one on one with people about their story and life and sexuality and God and what God has shown me. A lot of this is stuff that I do with me and God, in the car as I drive from meeting to meeting across time, at night as I talk to Him to get to sleep, when I exercise and meditate on things. It goes contray to what I believe or have been taught is “useful.” “You are supposed to DO things. Lots of activities. Lots of meetings with people. Lots of tasks and events and studies.” I just do not have the energy or the time to do all of that. I do some, but God is saying that I cannot do EVERYTHING. He has always said that, and I have often ignored Him and beat myself into doing stuff forsaking my body and health and wellbeing. But I cannot anymore. I have limits and God is calling me to something else; a more restful and meditative life (I have NEVER been restful – Eric once asked if I even knew how to rest – or maybe that was Rod).
So this is the gifting that God has given me, this is what He wants me to offer. And He is telling me that He accepts me and that is all that matters. But my BIGGEST fear is that people will reject me, hurt me and will no longer want me. I live with that underlying fear all the time. I am always trying to receive affirmation of things from people as a result. I want people to think of me and help me to do the right thing; Good desire, bad demand. And the real responsibility is on me. I switch into the victim and need to be approved that I am OK, that people do love me, that I am cared about, that what I do is important. Because I am constantly living around with the fear that I am NO Good and I am going to get rejected. I was praying to day about this and God was even showing me that I run around crazy trying to accomplish everything and do everything because I still have this deep fear that I am going to die tomorrow. The lies go so deep.
The truth is I am safe, around good people who love me, in the hands of a God that is good beyond believe, and I am probably going to live into my old age. Oh, God, I believe, help me with my disbelief.
So, anyway, I would like to open this up for others to talk about their fears and what they think God might be telling them to offer to others. Also, if you see me going frantic trying to “DO” everything or I look like a “STRESSED OUT MESS” you give you permission to ask me if I want to pray and redirect on God. I pray I will be humble to you and receive your kindness and grace. Please forgive me as I stumble to believe that I am accepted even if I fail all the time and sometimes respond not so pleasantly. You can bring that to my attention too.

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From: adriennelynne
Date: Wed Jun 25 10:07:45 EDT 2008
Subject: response

I enjoyed reading your thoughts and being allowed to see into your heart from hundreds of miles away. :)
I, too, struggle immensely with fear. Some fears exist and cause me to speak truth to myself so that I don't live into the fear...things like being afraid I am not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, loving enough, worth enough.... and then there are the paralyzing fears...death and loss.
Before I start into the fears I want to add something I read in a book. So I got this book for Christmas called, Intimacy, by Henri Nouwen (gotta love him!) and it deals a lot with our fears and with the idea that perfect love drives out fear. And one thing he writes that I would like to note is this, "The tragedy is that we are so possessed by fear that we do not trust our innermost self as an intimate place but anxiously wander around hoping to find it where we are not. We try to find that intimate place in knowledge, competence, notoriety, success, friends, sensations, pleasures, dreams, or artificially induced states of consciousness. Thus we become strangers to ourselves, people who have an address, but are never home and hence never be addressed by the true voice of love." So I think that has something to do with being able to enter into intimacy with Christ and with others and dealing with fears and moving into love. Or something :). See, here I am afraid to be wrong....
So anyway, to answer your question... I am afraid of depending on God. So in order to avoid dependency I store up my treasures on earth.... I have more articles of clothing than 5 large families in most countries, I enjoy conversing with other people and sharing my thoughts, but I always end with...OR maybe I'm wrong...or I am not sure...or any other small statement that frees me from being responsible of believing anything concrete, to go along with that...I avoid conflict at all costs...to the point that the anxiety enters and then I don't sleep at night as play over and over in my head the could've, should've, would'ves and how I wasn't able to say what I thought, I like living in a safe neighborhood because I am afraid of being hurt, robbed, or scared. (And when I say we live in a safe neighborhood... I mean it's ridiculous...we currently live in the safest, most "bubbled" place in the world....and really I hate that fear brought me to this place instead of Christ....well I am currently working on that issue....
So I am currently dealing with HOW to be more dependent on God...how to pick up my cross, how to give it all up, and how to honestly NEED Him. David and I had friends over for dinner last night and we started talking about the rich man who wanted to know how he could enter into the Kingdom of God and Jesus tells him to sell all he has, give to the poor, and follow him...and so I started asking questions about that...and what it means in general and for us... and so we are conversing about this convicting verse and David said something that hit me. So we were talking about how you could sell everything and move to the inner city and I was saying that there is always a divide because poor people aren't stupid...they know you can go back where you came from and get it all back...and DAvid went into how it really means letting go of the old life and embracing the life of poverty fully... no second home, no stuff in storage places, and the one that hit...not having a big bank account somewhere, and no retirement. Living like them means just that...giving up EVERYTHING. And that's when the whole I fear depending on Christ hit me. Could I really do that? How could I really not have a savings and a retirement? How could I give my children the education I always wanted for them? And there it is.... me trying to create this life through my means that I have and not believing that God will take care of me.
Is what He has to offer me better than what I can offer myself?
How do I enter into complete dependency of Christ?
So there are my jumbled thoughts. :)

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From: Patricia
Date: Wed Jun 25 19:28:28 EDT 2008
Subject: a connected thought

Adrienne,
as I read your response to Cheryl's post, something you said snagged me. You asked the question, how can you give your children the education you want them to have. What I long to offer you here is a release from the burden to provide your children with a future. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be helpfully involved. It just means that you have the freedom to focus on today.
I overlooked so terribly many precious moments (no pun here) with my children, while my eyes were on the next step, the next day, the next developmental stage, next size up, next school year, next life. It was really hard to let go of the next's. I believed that they were what made me a good mom. In fact, I received much applause for my forward focus. It's a cultural thing, I guess.
When Jesus asked the rich young man to sell everything he had and to follow Him, I think He was inviting him to travel lightly. It sounds a lot like His invitation to us, to lay down our yoke and to take up His. I don't think He was asking him to pick up an unbearable burden of poverty. I mean, He did say that His yoke is light.
So, maybe God is inviting you to just be David's wife, with a baby on the way, some dreams in her pocket, but no plans on the wall.
Trizia

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From: emily
Date: Sat Jun 28 22:57:14 EDT 2008
Subject: balance

Cheryl,
I am having a hard time starting this response! I have been dealing with this type of thing since my college days so its hard pick just one thing to say. so instead of worrying abut saying it all and saying it right - I'll just say a couple things that come to mind: I think it is really important to keep paying attention to the problem of doing too much. It takes determination and boldness to live an intentionally rested life here in this "be all you can be" "reach for the stars" society. It takes determination to keep at it. It takes boldness to say "no". Not really for standing up to other people's demands so much but for standing against your own standards for yourself. Don't be afraid to go overboard on the side of inactivity sometimes. Its just part of the process!
EmilyMc

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