From: clrclady
Date: Mon Jul 19 20:28:21 EDT 2010
Subject: Confession about hard soil

It is always amazing to me when I finally really get something that I believe people have been trying to get me to realize for years but I have not been getting it before and then all of a sudden it just hits me like a load of bricks. Oh, that is what they were talking about. When Eric was preaching last night, doors where opening up in my head. I have struggled so long to get God to change me from being so hard and stubborn. I have wrote several songs about it, prayed about it, wept about it, wrestled with it, and still I beat myself up for being so stubborn and not the soft juicy soil that can just receive things easily. The sermon last night on the Parable of the Sower opened up my eyes on why I wrestle with Satan so darn much and get attacked so darn much. It was a new way of looking at that Parable that I had never heard before and it just opened my eyes. I have been beating myself up for being hard soil when Jesus still loves me and gives me the Gospel anyway. I always thought that the Gospel did not come to hard soul; they could not be used. Even though in my head, I know God can use anyone He is pleased to use. Then I realized today that my stubborn, hard soil mentality makes it really hard for me to feel trapped. Cause let’s face it, stubbornness is just this said of rebellion against authority. I was realizing that I felt trapped and helpless for so long that somewhere along the line I made a commitment not to feel trapped again. This gets me in a lot of trouble especially when God is trying to hedge me in. God has been doing a lot of hedging me in lately and telling me to wait. When I am trusting that He is good and spending time with Him and talking to Him and taking care of myself, I can keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and know that I am safe and protected and hedged in, not evilly trapped like I was as a child. When I start believing Satan’s lies, do not spend much time with God, start believing He is not good, I react like a wounded animal in a trap. It is not pretty. Between Mountain Solitude and Vespers on Sunday, I realized I need a lot of time with God to take care of myself. I know that in my head if I would listen to it, but Satan often lies that there are other things I should be doing like being around people. But if I am hard ground and the birds are plucking up all the seed, got to get more seed in to get some to actually sink through. I do not know if anyone else is as stubborn as me, but maybe this little confession has helped someone else out there.

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