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From: clrclady
Date: Wed Dec 18 03:14:20 EST 2013 Subject: Closure

russ: Miss you (12/18/13)
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russ: Miss you (12/18/13)
I was challenged today by someone I highly value and respect to make some closure with people at the Village. I guess this seems hard for me because it is full of personal pain and seemingly failure. One of the first rules in social work to create a safe place is No shaming or blaming. Two years ago, my life as I had known it for so long simply began to crumble. I became at more times than I would like to admit completely incapable of functioning. The internal turmoil, anxiety, and sleeplessness took a major toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I began to drift away from larger than two or three people in a group and became so anxious that most of the time I could not make it to the Village. I pushed myself here and there to go, but the weight of unresolved trauma and questioning of organized religion had taken a lot out of me. I was told today that I moved out of the house and left the Village in one action, but really I was NOT at the Village more often then I was at the Village in 2012, long before I moved out of the Seneca House in Feb of this year. I belief that everyone does the best that they can with the knowledge and information that they have. I know that the Village and the Seneca House was my life for so long. I grieve every Sunday night that I am not with the children and the people. I also spent the first half of this year every Sunday night having a massive panic attack around 4:30pm each Sunday. In August of this year to try to bring some positive to Sunday nights and try not to crash every weekend, I started a pottery class Sunday afternoon and evening. It gave me the meditative space to reconnect with God and Jesus. The last Sunday I was at the Village was in September; Rod was back from getting time with God and his family and Genesis One was the topic. My anxiety was so great; I could not stay. I have been slowly since then getting more and more involved in a more Liberal, open church (it really is mostly hit or miss there as well). When I say more involved, mostly it is trying to get to Sunday service more than twice a month. To be quit honest, December and November have mostly been a wash. In a blog post, I cannot explain all the ends and out of severe trauma, suicidal ideation, or mental illness. All I can say is that I am sorry that I failed people, disappointed people, and seemingly abandoned people. I did my best to survive what I needed to do to survive. My number has not changed, my email has not changed, I still occasionally get on facebook. With all the struggle that the past two years have brought, there has been much joy and progress. I feel more confident in my own skin most of the time; I understand myself and my patterns of relating so much better than I ever have, and my heart is still full of love and compassion for all of you and so many more all over the world. I have grown into being a pretty good artist, semi-good part time student, and disciple of Jesus loving myself and so many others who struggle with their very person hood. I guess I would say that the biggest factor in me not returning to the Village at this time is that I do not feel like I could be true to myself and who I am at the Village. If you would like to view it as my sin, my downfall, whatever, that is okay. I cannot change the last two years, just as I would not want to change my growth and experience at the Village since 2003. I have dear friendships at the Village that I would like to maintain and some I would like to rebuild. I am not sure when any of that will happen or if it is even possible. I have this moment with Jesus and I am guaranteed nothing else, so I try to do what I can do with this moment and pray that He will still carry me through the next. With great love, compassion, and gratitude, I pray for good things and abundant life in the coming year to everyone.

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From: russ
Date: Wed Dec 18 23:07:49 EST 2013 Subject: Miss you

We miss you, and hope you can come back.

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