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From: andrea
Date: Fri Jun 22 11:47:20 EDT 2007 Subject: warning: not meant to scare future moms

Responses
Patricia: normal (6/22/07)
kimc: It's Hard and Harder (6/23/07)
corwithani: not afraid (6/27/07)
andrea: thanks for the encouragement and support (6/27/07)
Patricia: To Familiy (6/27/07)
andrea: thanks for the encouragement and support (6/27/07)
Responses (sorted by date)
Patricia: To Familiy (6/27/07)
andrea: thanks for the encouragement and support (6/27/07)
andrea: thanks for the encouragement and support (6/27/07)
corwithani: not afraid (6/27/07)
kimc: It's Hard and Harder (6/23/07)
Patricia: normal (6/22/07)
how normal is it, parents,to not like your kids part of or sometimes all of a day?

Lately, it appears to me that our home is ruled by tantrums from the time M gets up to the time she goes to bed; we are on tantrum #7 (by the time I got done with this post it was #10) and she has only been out of bed for 45 min tops.

This world of adding a 2nd kiddo has seemed more and more isolating; it was getting better for awhile and now seems to have gone backwards. Maybe its my current mood this week and it will pass, I don't know. I'm praying a lot for God to fill in the gap. I'm wondering how other stay at home moms have dealt with the isolation. We try to get out, but if we are in the middle of tantrum day, do I really drag M out where it is more hectic to discipline and deal with the tantrums. I realize she is dealing with a new sibling so it is a new time for her too. As well as the whole foster care back and forth thing she deals with every week for the last 10 months.

I remember when Ryan and I were engaged. We talked about what our lives would be like. It was decided that I needed to leave a passion I had at my other church. I recall it feeling like I was losing my identity. This is feeling very similar lately. How have other moms, specifically, experienced this? Because what I do right now is child care all day, this is all I have to talk about, when asked, as I don't have anything else going on. I hear about Ryan's day or others' days by phone, but there is a big piece of this woman just disappearing. Again, any others care to discuss this part of parenthood?

Lately, I go back and forth on what is best for M...to stay or go elsewhere. I know it is not in our hands so it doesn't really matter what I think. We love her, she is our baby. I cry to think of her leaving, so I know if we get the chance for her to stay, we will. However, maybe God has other ideas, better ones, and will intervene. She has grown healthier in our home, but maybe someone else, her relative is the other option, can offer her something more that she needs now.

Anyway, input parents...

Also, I am putting out the invite...we have a baby pool. If you have small kids or are a single woman, feel free to come by and hang out with us during the day (hope you still want to even after hearing about our days). Call first, please. If you want to drop by without using the baby pool, that is good too. I am welcoming any company that you would like to offer. If you wish to invite us over, that can work too...if I can figure out some non-kid time to hang out with others, then that time would be appreciated too.

We are supposed to be dealing with our selfishness. I guess that is what parenting does, just like marriage. This whole e-mail sounds selfish, but I just need to know what others have done to cope, not disappear, and still have parts of themselves available to still give to their kids, their husbands, their community.

Thanks....

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From: Patricia
Date: Fri Jun 22 14:49:41 EDT 2007 Subject: normal

Sweet Angel to be,

do not dispair. The first few months with the second baby are bound to be chaotic. With my first baby it wasn't so intense. I was able to have baby time as well as grown-up time. I did not really understand the frazzled-mom jokes until my second baby came along. The older one was in her terrible twos and the arrival of the new baby really fueled her fire. No longer was I "her's" alone - she had to share me with someone else ALL DAY LONG.

Inviting friends was very helpful. It's not at all selfish to ask for help. The old saying that it takes a village to raise a child really does hold true. Community was once comprised of relatives. The older ladies had the pleasure and the obligation to instruct and aid the younger ones. You, my beautiful friend, are one of these younger women now, in very legitimate need of practical, emotional, and informational help.

Do you have what it takes to be a mom? Absolutely. Do you have what it takes to be Supermom? Yes - if you shut down, that is. My suggestion to you, then, is to feel completely free to call anyone you can think of to come to your house and help you in whatever could use taking care of, or to just listen to you talk about diaper changes and temper tantrums. It's really not all that uninteresting. It's just a different world than what you used to experience. You'd be surprised how eagerly some of us would be to rock/feed/change your new baby while you offer some uninterupted mommy-time to your toddler. Others would gladly help with chores or errands when asked. Still others might delight in play time with your very cute one-year old. And then there are those who are a walking source of good tips and tricks that are tried and true. Any combination of these kinds of helpers might afford you a nice nap... All this used to be the privilege of doting grandmas, aunts, cousins, sisters. In this Village it's - well - us!

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From: kimc
Date: Sat Jun 23 17:30:00 EDT 2007 Subject: It's Hard and Harder

Hey Andrea,

I just read your blog. I am sitting here looking at the clock and wishing I could be at your shower. Aaron has a job today that is stressing him out and I am with the kids--two of which are napping. After Breakers, they really needed it. I struggled with the choice of giving them what they needed or doing what I wanted, which was go to see you today.

Good News--I have a Coffee Exchange card to offer you that has a free drink on it! I will even get it and bring it to you when you are having a particularly hard day. :)

Boy, Andrea, I have been there--over and over again. It's tough. I hear you and want to offer you my heart and support. I am sorry I get sidetracked by my own self-protection and fear.

Parenting has been the hardest thing I have ever encountered. It seems to shake me to the core the most. God has used my kids to be my greatest teachers and they are invitations to his heart and to issues in my own heart.

The crying and tantrums are SOOOOO difficult. Sometimes you are just surviving, and I think that's OK. It is VERY normal--at least in my experience.

Mothering can be REALLY isolating. Sometimes I just needed a change of scenery even if I was doing the same thing. My theory on it is: you'll figure out pretty quick what works and what doesn't. It always seems like there's that tension between your needs and their needs. I don't have a formula. Sometimes the outings that shouldn't work do, and those that should don't....

Anyways, is any of this helpful???? I don't know but I hear you and do desire to stand with you in the very real struggle mothering can be.

Love you,
Kim

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From: corwithani
Date: Wed Jun 27 02:49:18 EDT 2007 Subject: not afraid

hey andrea, I suppose I fall into this (hopefully) "future mom" category of yours, so first of all I wanted to tell you that your warning of scaring me into not having children does not apply to me. I actually appreciate you sharing your heart and struggle with what you are dealing with.

I also was just thinking, and remembered that the driving force that finally led to my mother becoming a believer was having me. you see, my mom and dad got married pretty young, and since my dad was in the military they moved to germany soon after they were married. it was here that they had my older sister. after two years, they moved to england and my mom found out she was pregnant again (with me).

before moving to germany, my mom had been witnessed to a lot by people in colorado springs - but had always said a polite "no thank you" or whatever she said. but in england, dealing with Megan being a bratty 2 year old and then finding out she was unexpectedly pregnant again drove her to finally needing help (aka Jesus).

so my mom had a friend who was in a similar life place - raising children - but my mom noticed that raising kids didn't overwhelm her as it did my mom. my mom wanted to know what was different, and this friend told her about Jesus, and my mom finally accepted! my dad accepted Christ about a year after that.

so now a joke in our family can be that had Megan not been such a brat/terrible two year old, our parents would never have become Christians.

anyhow - so I know that I'm not a mother, meaning I don't know what it is like to have or raise children, but from hearing my mom's or yours or similar stories I understand at least to an extent that being a mom is just hard. and I wanted to encourage you and say that from what I see, you are doing a great job... so don't give up or let Satan either isolate you or tell you otherwise.

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From: andrea
Date: Wed Jun 27 14:20:34 EDT 2007 Subject: thanks for the encouragement and support

Thanks everyone who blogged and spoke to us in person with encouragement, advice, and truth. And for the mocha.

Our circumstances have been easier this week...I know that this is because of God and prayer. He has opened my eyes to some of my reactions to M and helped me to slow down and not react (most times) in order to defuse the tantrums. We have our moments where our humanness slips through, but it was refreshing to have a change from the constant anxiety and stress between her and I. My pilgrim group members reminded me to pray for M in the midst of her tantrum or other behaviors; I'm trying that out. Getting the eyes off of me and away from my reaction is good; so is cryign out to God. I am hoping that God is trying to be more real to me through these trying times...that he is wooing me to him. That makes me tear up to think of his gentle calling through these tough times.

One thing that is hitting me as reality, is that though I would like to be able to seperate reality of foster care from my everyday brain and functioning as a mom, that is not possible unless God is able to give me amnesia. Our lives, everyday, are touched by the fact that a caseworker and a judge are dictating our lives. We can't leave the state without their permssion. We can't schedule anything between the hours of 9-12pm Mondays and Wednesdays. Even down to details of whether we need another crib in 3 months from now, is up to someone else. This is the life we have chosen as we got licensed last July and accepted M into our home last August. It isn't something I can totally forget. Yes, I can do my best to concentrate on M and Ellen and loving them TODAY because TODAY I am both of their moms. However, just like a death when you see it coming, as you spend time with that person who is dying, even if you don't talk about it, the death is still the big pink elephant in the room. I am asking God to help me grieve the things in this I need to grieve, celebrate the things that need to be celebrated, and just cope with the not being in control. Of course, if we ever think we are in control, we are kiddding ourselves, even wihtout foster care. However, for the good of my family, I need to let that grief out as it comes...today the grief is present.

We very much appreciate that others want to be family to our kids and to us. Thanks Patricia, for saying this. I may ask for that from you; if you aren't wanting that, then that is ok. If you are open to being family to our kids and want to tell me, I welcome that. I love big families, have longed for them. I think it is a great idea to have dates individually with our kids so that they can get that time. Thanks for that idea, Patricia.

I'll probaby keep adding to this post...I notice that writing this is helping me get some of the held-in emotion out. Thanks for reading and responses as you feel led.

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From: Patricia
Date: Wed Jun 27 18:29:22 EDT 2007 Subject: To Familiy

... and family it is ! ! ! ! !

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From: andrea
Date: Wed Jun 27 14:31:44 EDT 2007 Subject: thanks for the encouragement and support

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