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My heart goes out to you as you struggle with these issues. This is especially true, since Lindi and I went through a similar experience for 5 years when we first got married.
We desperately wanted children, and were unable to have any. The doctors told us that if Lindi had heavy surgery, our chances would increase from zero to single digits. Since she has a history of great difficulty recovering from surgery, and the expected benefit was so small, we elected not to have the surgery.
We the pursued becoming foster parents, and adoption. We had many heartaches as we discovered traditional adoption was very costly compared to our income at the time, and were shocked to find out that a major cause of this was that so few "normal" infants were available for adoption, due to the large number of abortions. We wept as we thought of all of these babies having their existence terminated while still in the womb, while we had such a desire to hold and love on one of them. We explored foreign adoption, and connected with someone in Mexico. After sending them money and almost a years worth of correspondence, I traveled to Mexico City to find out what the hold up was. I discovered that a women who worked at the adoption agency and had been in communication with us had stolen our money and disappeared.
We then pursued the foster program and state adoption program. We went through all of the training and warnings about the issues these "difficult to place" children would have. Lindi and I agonized over what direction to take. She was afraid of not being able to handle the severe emotional problems of the emotionally injured children, and I was afraid of the physical care required for a handicapped or severely ill child. As we prayed and discussed the options, we despaired of ever reaching a viable solution. Like you, we wondered if God was even in our quest, and we struggled with the same issues of our own motivation. As you said, were we doing this to give, or out of loneliness that we should be going to God directly to cure?
We continued for a while, stuck in the rut of indecision, and crying out to God to give us either peace or direction.
Then, after four years of this struggle, we were in a church service where the pastor was preaching on God’s promises of fruitfulness and fertility. Right there, in the “temple”, as she was crying out to Him, God spoke to Lindi clearly, saying, “A year from now, you will have a child.” Not 9 months, but a year! She told me about this, and we wondered about such a remarkable utterance.
One year later exactly, to the day and hour of the day, our son Samuel was born. Samuel? Yes, we named him after Hannah’s child, since she had received him while crying out to God in the temple about her infertility.
Now, God does not deal with all persons in the same way. I have no way of knowing what path He has laid out for you with respect to your deep desire for children. I agree you need to turn it over to Him, and be prepared for anything He has to say on the matter, including being childless.
But the desire for children to love and hold and pour your lives into is universal, and comes from God. And God says this: Nothing is impossible for Him. He can open the womb of the barren, He can create life out of nothingness, and He can take the godly portion of your desires and bless them while He works on the part of your motivation, like we had, that was tainted by the Fall.
There is one thing I believe with conviction.
God is gracious and good and powerful and intensely interested in your personal situation right now. Jesus did not come into the world to condemn, but to save us. As you turn your lives and hearts and decisions over to Him, do not feel guilty about the pain and yearning. He WILL intervene and bless you in a way that only He can do. Whatever that way is, you can be sure it will be worthy of thanksgiving and praise.
Larry and Lindi. |
