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From: andrea
Date: Mon Mar 13 11:15:55 MST 2006 Subject: our next steps

Responses
clrclady: This is great (3/13/06)
MaryKay: Wonderful news! (3/13/06)
Patricia: thank you (3/14/06)
andrea: tonight's class (3/21/06)
andrea: God's response to 'Do you care?' (3/21/06)
Karen: Practically speaking (3/23/06)
ryan: we like it! (3/24/06)
andrea: you love us and know us! (3/24/06)
andrea: a baby next week? (4/6/06)
Karen: Pre-party virtual shower (4/6/06)
andrea: I got a visit from... (4/6/06)
andrea: not today after all (4/10/06)
andrea: today we found out... (5/3/06)
andrea: Does God do miracles anymore? (5/4/06)
Karen: Left holding the bag... (5/4/06)
andrea: today's disappointment/answer? (5/10/06)
KeithB: No Subject (5/4/06)
Responses (sorted by date)
andrea: today's disappointment/answer? (5/10/06)
Karen: Left holding the bag... (5/4/06)
KeithB: No Subject (5/4/06)
andrea: Does God do miracles anymore? (5/4/06)
andrea: today we found out... (5/3/06)
andrea: not today after all (4/10/06)
andrea: I got a visit from... (4/6/06)
Karen: Pre-party virtual shower (4/6/06)
andrea: a baby next week? (4/6/06)
andrea: you love us and know us! (3/24/06)
ryan: we like it! (3/24/06)
Karen: Practically speaking (3/23/06)
andrea: God's response to 'Do you care?' (3/21/06)
andrea: tonight's class (3/21/06)
Patricia: thank you (3/14/06)
MaryKay: Wonderful news! (3/13/06)
clrclady: This is great (3/13/06)
I wanted to share with the group at large about what Ryan and I are stepping into and invite you to be a part of it in some way.

Ryan is beginning his training this week so that we can become a 'cradle home' for our agency. This is a temporary foster home (usually only a few days to a couple of months) for newborns that are not with CPS but are being placed for adoption. This type of foster home is used when a birthmother has come to our agency late in the pregnancy or at the birth of the baby and is either trying to decide whether to parent or place her baby, or hasn't had enough time to chose the adoptive parents yet. For me, this brings two loves together...one, a love for the birthparents (helping them walk through their decisions and counseling has been my job at the agency for a few years) and two, a love for children. Ryan and I have talked about doing foster care for some time but think that this is good timing and good way to enter the fostering as this is more temporary than a CPS placement. We are hoping to still become pregnant soon and don't want to commmit to a placement from CPS for a year or more.

I have been scared to share this with people as I was afraid that it would be judged or not seen as valuable as caring for birth children. But we are inviting you into the experience with us, in whatever way you would like to be a part of it.

Andrea

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From: clrclady
Date: Mon Mar 13 11:32:25 MST 2006 Subject: This is great

I think this is great. I know that you have been talking about it for a while. Let me know what you need at any point. Love you!!!

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From: MaryKay
Date: Mon Mar 13 11:53:03 MST 2006 Subject: Wonderful news!

This is indeed wonderful news Andrea and Ryan! I am thrilled for the two of you and for the parents and children to whom you will be offering yourselves. You both have so much to give and this does indeed seem like the perfect opportunity to offer your love for others. I'm proud of you for stepping out and allowing us to share in this part of your lives. I'd love to be involved in any way you desire to include me.

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From: Patricia
Date: Tue Mar 14 07:56:29 MST 2006 Subject: thank you

Wow, Andrea and Ryan! That's really great. It takes a lot of courage to offer such short-term care, and a special kind of love. I don't think most people could do that. I'm so glad and also proud of you for shaking the lie that this is "little"! :D

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From: andrea
Date: Mon Mar 20 19:58:09 MST 2006 Subject: tonight's class

We went to our first foster care class tonight....it was difficult for me as I have taught similar classes before and had to keep from overrunning the class! But it was fun to see Ryan in my world....I have a great husband! He/we will have 4 more classes starting a week from Tuesday and then 2 classes to make up on the internet. CFCA doesn't know what all they will have us do yet but this is our start.

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From: andrea
Date: Mon Mar 20 20:12:11 MST 2006 Subject: God's response to 'Do you care?'

I just got back from San Antonio with my parents. It was a somewhat painful trip, but God is good. I had been asking for him to show me if he cares about our loss of a baby and now being a year into trying to conceive and not conceiving a successful pregnancy. It has been a really soul-ripping time of crying out to him and not knowing if he was going to speak back or show himself.

Anyway, a week ago Sunday, he gave me a gift of a friend here in our community who wants to walk with me through this painful ups and downs of not getting pregnant. Next, on the way to San Antonio, as I was talking with my parents about what we are doing with foster care and the need for baby stuff, my mom offerred that my brother has a basinette still stored in Kansas at their home that she thought he wouldn't mind if I use. Ryan and I are going home to Ks in May so that would be convient to pick up. In San Antonio, my sister-in-law offerred it and my brother ok'd it too.

When we first got to my brother's home, my sister-in-law said that she had lots of baby stuff to give me when we get pregnant. I was excited about this but also said that we are hoping to do foster care very soon. My brother later offerred me their crib that converts into a junior bed too. We drove that back with us.

These 'little' things really spoke to me about God paying attention to the trials and our longings. I didn't pray about baby furniture but I was worried about how we were going to finance them. He does listen, see the tears and heartache, and want to be involved in our hopes.

When I got home today, I found that Ryan and worked very hard on renivating our bedroom to make it a more romantic and inviting place for me. We had been wanting to do this with him taking charge to surprise me with what it would look like. However, the 50 year old pipes leaked in a new spot and repiping had to take priority. Or so I thought...

I am seeing God through each of you as you love me. Your love is the answer to my prayers, hopes and longings. Thank you.

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From: Karen
Date: Thu Mar 23 15:21:16 MST 2006 Subject: Practically speaking

I think this is a great direction for you two. Just thinking practically here... I'm wondering, what is the soonest date you'll have a child in your house, and what is the possible age range? I would like to propose a shower that happens a couple of weeks before your elegibility date. If you're going to do this, you're going to need some basic supplies (not just the aforementioned furniture loans), right?

I can't host such a shower--I'd only fit like 5 people into my apartment, although I'm sure Oscar el Gato would love the attention and excitement! I'd like to help with food/drink prep, though.

This is a little different than the "normal" shower, because you will take care of different ages/genders back to back, so maybe breadth (6 different sizes) will be more important than depth (6 of the same size). I think you'll need your washing machine more often(maybe even your dryer) ;-)

Anyway, this is a brave venture to celebrate. What do you (Andrea and Ryan) and the rest of the Village think of this shower idea?

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From: ryan
Date: Thu Mar 23 17:33:46 MST 2006 Subject: we like it!

Thanks so much for the suggestion, Karen! It's strange, but for some reason the idea of having a shower because we are going into foster care seemed, well, kinda weird... even though we both knew that it would be perfectly appropriate. How odd to feel like a shower for foster care is weird but a shower for a biological child is not... what's up with that?

We think a shower is a great idea to invite our community into our foster care experience. We're really happy that our community wants to be involved. It means a lot. *warm fuzzies*

Andrea may correct me, but I understand that we will be providing an `in-between' place for newborns whose birthmothers came into the adoption process late and there isn't an adoptive family ready to receive the child. So I suppose `think small' wouldn't be too far from the mark. But hold on to your shopping carts... if a shower is indeed in the works, I imagine we'll put together a registry at Target or something.

I am taking courses to be certified as a foster parent with CFCA... Andrea's already taken them all... she could teach them actually. I'm not sure how soon we would be eligible to receive a placement, but it might be a matter of a few weeks. Andrea could say more on that.

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From: andrea
Date: Thu Mar 23 20:05:45 MST 2006 Subject: you love us and know us!

Karen and all-

I was afraid to mention it or speak of my hope that the community would want to do this for us. I read the blog you wrote, Karen, and cried. You knew my hope before I spoke. That is also something I have been hoping to find lately and there have been several of you answering the longing. Ok, I feel cheesy, but God IS good!

Thank you all...

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From: andrea
Date: Wed Apr 5 19:23:55 MST 2006 Subject: a baby next week?

Well, we missed a baby being placed that was born on Monday AM but there is most likely another one coming on 4/10/06...just days from now. If that should happen, do any past mothers have any clothes or anything that we might borrow in the meantime? I will ask through the agency moms too. Also, anything else that might be good to borrow to have on hand, moms?

Thanks for your invovlement. We'll keep you updated!

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From: Karen
Date: Thu Apr 6 15:03:19 MST 2006 Subject: Pre-party virtual shower

...or something....

Some of us will attempt to organize a list of basic newborn needs, and said list will be passed around at Vespers on Sunday.

Feeling optimistic over the weekend, I bought some baby bottles. I'll also provide a bunch of homemade wipes (Emily Mc and Andrea--I found various recipes online ;-) )

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From: andrea
Date: Thu Apr 6 15:14:41 MST 2006 Subject: I got a visit from...

I would love to say Stork, but not yet.

Susan P dropped by a little while ago and brough 3 bags of clothes for me from the tripletts. Some are premie and most are 0-3 mo. She also brought a bag of diapers (Sue-the hyperalergenic ones I mentioned this morning!) for newborns and one for premies. She says she has a few more things that she may come up with too. I will let you know to see what things won't have to be on the list on Sunday.

Thank you all!

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From: andrea
Date: Mon Apr 10 10:41:25 MST 2006 Subject: not today after all

I got the call...

the baby will not be needing a home today. We'll let you all know if another one comes through.

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From: andrea
Date: Tue May 2 17:25:24 MST 2006 Subject: today we found out...

Today we had a dye test of my female anatomy to see if there are any problems present that cause us to not be able to conceive. There is a major problem and we need prayer to try to figure out what to do from here.

My only remaining fallopian tube is completely blocked and will not allow an egg to go through. It is also lying down, not in the normal place, most likely because it is stuck in scar tissue. These issues, if we decide to attempt to correct it, would take surgery. We will have an appointment with my OB/GYN next Tuesday afternoon to discuss the options and likelihood that surgery will enable us to be able to conceive.

Please be praying for us. We just found out this afternoon at 4pm. I for one am in shock and am numb though I feel sad too. Ryan is also feeling very sad over the news...

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From: andrea
Date: Wed May 3 17:24:18 MST 2006 Subject: Does God do miracles anymore?

I feel my heart breaking for the 1,000th time. Why is this happening? Will we truely not have a baby that looks like a combination of Ryan and I? Is this truely the end of the road for a little blond hair, blue eyed version of Ryan?

I always kind of invisioned a little girl that kind of looks like Ashton. Mostly because I and my niece kind of looked like Ashton when we were little.

I don't know what to do with this feeling like I am dying. But in a way, a dream is dying...

Does God do miracles like this in this day of age? Does he answer women like Hannah in this day of age?

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From: Karen
Date: Thu May 4 11:55:26 MST 2006 Subject: Left holding the bag...

Does God still perform direct physical healing miracles? Yes. I've seen at least one, first hand.

Often, though, miracles are more subtle, through the hands of humans.

And often the physical healing, the resolution of the problem (whatever it is) never comes.

What do we do with those dreams deferred?

If the loss of the dream, the unmet longing, is an empty paper bag I carry in my hands...does it become soiled and ragged over time... does the disappointment form a fist and smash the bag... do I throw the bag onto the fire...then do I roast marshmallows on the fire???

Maybe I turn the bag into a hand puppet. Fandango style. Make jokes, entertain myself, make light of it.

Maybe I tear the bag into pieces.

Maybe I throw the bag onto the compost pile.

Maybe I feel that who I am is just a "bag lady." But no, that can't be true. I am so much more than my disappointments. I am so much more than the things that have eluded me.

Will I find God inside that empty bag? Or just a bunch of C02 and nitrogen (since the oxygen seems long gone...)

I guess my hope is not in the miracle, not in the filling of the bag, but that God is holding the bag along with me.

So what on earth does that look like?
What on earth does that feel like?

Or maybe it's not all "on earth." Maybe that's what we do on earth, just keep holding it.

How can an empty bag feel like such a heavy burden sometimes?

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From: andrea
Date: Tue May 9 18:28:48 MST 2006 Subject: today's disappointment/answer?

We met with our OB/GYN today. She was not encouraging. She believes that our chances are probably less than 10-20% of conception after surgery. The test results from last week are indicative of the tube being filled with fluid (as it does in healing); this aparently is not a good sign that surgery is a good option, at least in her opinion. Surgery will make ectopic pregnancy more likely. She at first offered to go in lapriscopically to explore and give more idea as to inferlity but then when we discussed my medical history, said that she couldn't do that as she may rupture my small bowel while in there. They would have to open me up surgically and check me out in an in-pt setting to see what could be done. She suggested that we go talk to an infertility specialist for more expertise. She has never had anyone with the fluid filled tube who had surgery be able to conceive a baby naturally. Her other pt who had her colon removed (and a j-pouch like mine) is having the same issues with getting pregnant and is finished trying (without success).

I think this is all we know for now...we are praying and thinking whether to meet with the specialist or to call it quits and move on. We will let you know when we do. In the meanwhile, we have my co-worker for foster care licensing coming tonight to start our licensing. We are excited about this.

Thanks for your prayers and love. We have enjoyed all the visits, e-mails, cards, and calls we have recieved.

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From: KeithB
Date: Wed May 3 22:43:21 MST 2006 Subject:

I don't know.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW!

I just plain don't know.

I think maybe. I haven't wanted to hope like this for a long time. I don't cry for people, so I don't know what this means. Very sad and confusing. Yeah, I'll pray for you guys.
Kb

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