I have lots of emotions swirling around in my heart as our family has passed the 16 1/2 month mark of fostering our little toddler girl. I feel sadness at the prospect of placing her back in her bio-family's arms forever in 4 1/2 more months, for our loss and hers. I feel helpless in that I cannot protect her from anything bad that might happen to her. I feel fear that she is going to experience trauma from losing us, Ellie, familiarity, etc. when she is returned. I feel angry at God because this seems to be His chosen outcome for this long journey. I dread and at the same time, look forward to this hard future being completed and over. I am tired, drained, broken, hopeless. And I feel vulnerable, writing all of this down.
I share this with you, our spiritual family, because we need you. We need you lifting us up in prayer, your love, your hugs, etc. This community has taught me to ask for things when we need it versus just assuming you all can read my mind and 'if you loved me, you would just know'. You all haven't been through the loss of a child in this way...only one other family has in our community, so I am acknowledging that you won't know how to help us, love us, etc. But we do need you; I know personally, that I need God most of all, but don't know how to even sense that He is here anymore. So, I need reminding that He is here and that He cares. It hurts so much to express all of this.
Anyway...thanks in how God uses you in our lives, in the past, present, and future. |