Responses
Suki: Thanks (7/24/08)
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Responses (sorted by date)
Suki: Thanks (7/24/08)
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Last night, I had a lot of emotions stirred up inside of me because of the discussion about our individual missions given by God.
I did lose heart, with M's situation. I still have trouble, trying to grapple with the answers of 'why', though there are no specific answers to have right now, other than it was His will that she go back to her first parents and He knows the reasons. Right after M went home, I wanted another child, immediately. I wanted to fill the void that was left, dim the sorrow and grief so that it would feel like it was a more bite-sized piece of grief and therefore bearable. There were good reasons for wanting to foster again...in general, we see that our family and this community have a tangible taste of Jesus and the kingdom to offer the foster children, their families, the professionals, etc that become a part of our lives. We also feel you have a lot to offer to us of Jesus while we are in the midst of the struggles of foster care. Ellie has a lot to offer too...and can really benefit from seeing all of us loving others out of Christ's love.
After M left, Ellie and I traveled; then Ryan and I traveled. I felt wonderful, enjoying the time with extended family, Ellie, and Ryan and friends. But every time I come home, the grief is still there to deal with over the loss of her from our lives. I still celebrate Ellie being forever in our lives...she is a big bright spot, as is the stress being gone that was a part of our lives for so long due to the tension with M's bio-parents. That relief of stress and tension is leading to good things between Ryan and I, as we both feel we have more energy to give to each other. So, with this relief, enjoyment of Ellie and my husband, the desire for another foster situation has dissipated.
Last night, I realized that God is not done with us in foster care yet. I am terrified of going back to it. Terrified of having the sky fall and the ground ripped out from underneath me again...that is what it felt like to see what in my soul felt like injustices to a little girl's soul, again and again as she suffered against the sin of this world. And that is what hit me hard too...experiencing sin in a different way, from a not being able to protect her, the rest of my family, or myself from it. And her loss is so profound. I don't want to trust God, that He will see us through whatever comes with foster care again. I don't feel equipped to do it again...and I'm not, without him carrying the load of it. But I know that He was talking with me last night about going back, facing the fear, facing death to self by offering Him through me to those kids who need Him and His hope, more than they need a stable home, more than they need bio-parents who treat them well, more than anything. So, I don't know when it will be...but I believe this is where God is leading.
Anyone have anything to share of what last night's talk stirred in them? |
