So, some days I am grateful for my infertility...it gave us Ellie and her birth family which is a really GOOD thing, meaning a gift from God without a doubt. And there are all the seeds that He planted in M's life and her family's life through that time as well. Then there are days like now. Another month of not becoming prego, not knowing if there is a point to having hope in becoming prego, and wondering when is enough time to have hope in something before just moving on and accepting (again) the different journey our family is on.
I don't even know whether to still id myself as being a member of the infertile group. I was healed of what was causing my infertility, but am still not prego. So, when I get on the support blogs on ivillage, do I look at the infertile group or just the trying to conceive (TTC) for first child group. Where do I fit? Recently, I figured out that I can't be on the ttc in general group because it is too difficult to read blogs of those who have gotten pregnant relatively easily for child #1, 2, and 3, but now are blogging about the current ttc. This is not a knock at any of those folks (or any of you)...they have a right to blog about their experiences too and seek support. And I couldn't bring myself to be a lurker on the blog from infertile families, though my story is similar to many of theirs, about trying, seeking some kind of medical help, and now trying again. However, I didn't see any who claimed that they were healed by God and told that they should now be able to conceive.
I teach an infertility class in a couple of weeks to a new class of prospective adoptive parents. I usually love this class; these are my peeps! And though I struggle at times with emotions still being connected to infertility come up from time to time when I look at my Ellie and wish I had birthed her myself (for example), I am thankful for it. But I am thankful when I am not living it day to day. I don't even know what to say in that class now, because I just feel lost. Lost from what God wants of me...does he want me to continue to believe He will have me be prego or just to grieve this all over again (which is happening) or something different. I really can feel that God is GOOD with what He did. He wove our story with infertility, then He healed my pain that was causing the infertility and made my body work again in ways it hasn't in a very long time if ever. If that is what He wants to do with the surgery, that is ok...if there is no pregnancy at the end of this, that is ok (I type through tears). I can accept that and still praise Him for His Glory!!! But, what are we supposed to do with this ttc?
This was the month, prior to surgery, that we were going to start looking for kiddo #2 through the fost/adopt system of CPS. I don't feel like I can split my heart and desire both at the same time and move forward with both at the same time. Others have reflected to me that I wear my desires very clearly on my sleeve...and I know that I am very this or that. That is the fabric I was made out of. There is also the fact that I would hope not to raise two kiddos (who aren't twins) as twins if both happened at the same time.
I haven't been at church much lately through this. I am talking to many of you about what is going on but when the grieving hits hard, I withdrawal to just God and my immediate family or with a friend or two. I don't like crying openly at the back of church. That is about the only way in which I am private.
Ok...I am done for now. Gotta get to the park with my daughter. |