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We had a staffing for M today and I continued to be shown parts of myself that I don't know why they are there and what to do about them.
During the staffing, there was a constant underestimating of our role in M's life, her bond with us, the family putting forth that their bond as greater and M's trust of them as greater. Satan knows my wounds and I think he let the family in on them..they would say things so pointedly to say 'you are not mom' as they are looking me in the eye. After 11 mo with us, they still see us as only babysitters for M. I'll explain down below the wound that this hits, but for M's sake, I feel that this is dangerous...because of their own pain and shame, to not realize the impact that being removed and placed with someone else has, i.e. after so many months, she has become part of a new family unit, though she still has a bond with her original family. By belittling this truth, I fear that M's loss of our family will never be even grasped or expressed by her...I can imagine that would be a lonely place to be. I remember growing up in my home not being allowed to express pain caused by my family; I expressed it as rebellion and my parents saw it as something to be counseled (i.e. lectured) out of this bad kid by our pastor. M is younger, so it will look different behaviorally. But the loss will still be present, as was her sadness when she first came here.
The wound I find this hitting for me is the one deep inside me that needs permission to be her mom. I keep looking for others to affirm that I have been a great mom to her. And, let me be honest, it it primarily matters that her family can't humble themselves to say it. But, would I really believe it anyway from them? The verse in the first few passages of Psalms about my enemies flattering tongues being disgusting (my translation) really works here because we really can't believe much that they say, because of their life beliefs that they live out of, their maturity, and where they are with life struggles right now. But I felt my wound struck again and again yesterday as they cheapened what I personally have offered to M and what she has with us. She has been here more than half her life....that means something. We see her blossoming and that is because of the primary care she is getting from this set of parents and this community. I understand what it would cost them to admit these things truly...they would encounter more shame that their family (including extended) couldn't offer her what she needed at the time, that they have lost part of their roles, to admit failure, to be humbled (that pie tastes disgusting, I know), etc, etc, etc.
M's mom did mention at one point that we are an important part of her life and that we are the ones who have shaped who she is. However, it still felt erased by them saying things like...they don't experience her fears that we have identified so she has a different (lesser) trust of us than them, she knows who her mommy is now (meaning her bio mom), etc. It was difficult to keep from screaming...I can see that M has a connection with them. She seems to enjoy them the 2 hours a week she sees them. But 2 (is now being raised to 4) hours a week does not a parent make. And I am angry...it was their issues that got them here, wrecked their family, built a new family, and still their issues trying to deny a new family was ever created. How dare they question her love for us or her bond to us...they only see a small picture into her life each week; we see that whenever she has to stop what she is doing (and is tired), she tantrums and doesn't want to stop playing or doing what she is doing. So, to say she is tantruming because she doesn't want to come home is BS. And they don't want to see the truth...it is easier to just not accept it.
But, does part of me believe them...why else, would I allow their disconnected truth to hurt me like this? I think this wound is also the reason that I feel compelled to 'tell the truth' about my kids when I am in a setting with other moms. I tell them quietly and quickly that I didn't birth either child...thus kids being this close in age is not as difficult as it normally would be (b/c I am not recovering from the birth process). I am almost asking for forgiveness for it being that tiny bit easier...but it isn't easy; it would be easier not to be confronted with other parents all the time to our kids, but that is not our path and God is refining by fire I see. I have been going lately to storytime with the determination not to share their stories this time, and finally stuck to it this week. I feel like I am lying when I don't...almost like I am saying 'you think I have a right to be a mom to these kids, but I don't...see, here's why'.
God, I need your healing touch in this area. You give me permission to parent my children, and I don't need anyone else's. Let me take that into my soul as truth. |
