Responses
Mike_Wise: Praying (2/23/13)
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Mike_Wise: Praying (2/23/13)
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I don't blog much, but here goes.
I want to start with a praise. My back is better. The lasting pain is from stiffness and muscle tightness in my buttocks that is there from my body trying to overcompensate from the injuries...one injury from years ago when I hurt my back to begin with and the second injury from the surgery. Not a bad outcome. I am still in physical therapy...another praise as I have insurance that allows people to help me get better. And they are really good and caring people! Another praise!
So, I am trying to "Be thankful in all circumstances..." 1 Thes 5:18. I just don't know what to do with the other stuff.
Every meal is a waiting disaster. I have to think so very carefully about every meal and every snack. And most of the time, even with careful thinking, I end up every 2 to 3 days doubled over in pain from a partial bowel obstruction. Then, I spend the next few days recovering from that bowel obstruction, trying not to eat so it doesn't get worse. I have so much anxiety about every meal, not knowing if it will be the one to send me to the hospital again and causing me to have that tube up my nose and down my throat (a punishment worse than death to me). I think my digestive system is worse now than before the surgery in December. So, what was the point of going through that???
I got depressed this week. I went and saw a Gastroenterologist, hoping for a magic cure. Surely he knew something my surgeons and PCP didn't. He would know what foods could keep me safe and how to avoid surgery in the future. He instead told me the same as the others...this bowel obstruction is caused by external forces (adhesions squeezing my small bowel), so there is nothing that changing my diet, adding yogurt to help digestion, etc. was going to do. His main advice was go get to know your future surgeons so you have a rapport with them ahead of time.
As much as I have learned to love hospitals, hospital staff, and even hospital food, I am so tired of being there. I recently did the math: I have had 8 surgeries and 10 hospital stays...I have been in the hospital on average every 3.5 years. That sucks! And I don't want to get used to this. I don't want any more surgeries or to know my surgeons better. I want healed! I am grabbing for Jesus's hem of his robes but it is out of my reach. In this area of my life, I feel abandoned and ignored by my healer.
When I got depressed, I sinned. I didn't take care of my body and instead ate too much chocolate causing myself to further exacerbate the partial obstruction I already have.
This situation feels hopeless. I am trying to grasp for hope. I called today to the new surgeons (same company that originally took out my colon but my doctor is gone). I will get them the records they need to see if they want to see me and talk through options. I also called two nutritionist to see if anyone can help with what foods I should stick to that are easily digestible (to add to what I have already figured out) and what liquid nutrition I should rely on when I can't eat.
Please pray for me/us. Please pray for the anxiety I am battling over food and for healing. Please pray for me/my family/my doctors to find a way to cope with this. Thanks... | 
