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From: andrea
Date: Thu Feb 19 20:50:40 EST 2009 Subject: Please God, no!

Responses
SPark: Praying (2/21/09)
andrea: good weekend (2/22/09)
andrea: diagnosis (3/5/09)
TLCuadra: Thinking of you (3/6/09)
andrea: thanks everyone! (3/6/09)
Responses (sorted by date)
andrea: thanks everyone! (3/6/09)
TLCuadra: Thinking of you (3/6/09)
andrea: diagnosis (3/5/09)
andrea: good weekend (2/22/09)
SPark: Praying (2/21/09)
So, I just got back from my follow-up with my surgeon. It has been 3 months of my body working pretty well, until mid-January, at least. I had lots of unusual things this month, but had been feeling hopeful still about getting prego (this is 4th cycle since surgery). Anyway, doc found what appears to be a cystic mass. Again. Well, it could be something simple and non-emergent as a functional cyst. The kind some of us women can get monthly that works its way out. But the first thing the surgeon said that made my heart go into my throat was to the nurse saying to draw blood for a Beta test. A prego test. My mind was going a million miles a minute b/c I am not far along enough in this cycle to be prego to be causing a mass...I could have just implanted perhaps today if it did happen. So, I found my voice and said, "so that would be an ectopic pregnancy, right". "Yes, that would be the concern" he said.

So, between a cyst again or a possible ectopic prego, I would much prefer the cyst. But I am scared of both. I am scared of what it probably means to have an ectopic prego.

We will know the results tomorrow afternoon/evening. We will be away to Payson for a getaway. Please be in prayer with us.

Got to leave for Scottsdale. Bye.

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From: SPark
Date: Sat Feb 21 13:40:51 EST 2009 Subject: Praying

Andrea,

We are praying for you and Ryan. I hope you are able to have a healing,God-trusting weekend.

- Susan Park

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From: andrea
Date: Sun Feb 22 10:57:39 EST 2009 Subject: good weekend

Here is the update....doc's office called Friday night to let us know that the prego test came up negative. So, this must just be a cyst on the large size. It is getting in the way of normal functioning so at least this mo would have been difficult to get prego with it there. Thanks for your prayers and please keep them coming as I get an ultrasound and we determine what needs to be done with the cyst.

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From: andrea
Date: Thu Mar 5 06:44:10 EST 2009 Subject: diagnosis

I heard from my surgeon last night (nice guy!). He said that the ultrasound report indicates that my body is back to the way it was prior to surgery with everything adheased back together. We are going to watch the cyst and make sure it decreases by doing another ultrasound in a couple of months. It was a quick journey through medically being healed to now being more of the same...a dysfunctional body.

I am up and can't sleep in the middle of the night because I am just rocked by the sadness. I am not questioning God's ways, goodness or love; He has a bigger pic than me. But this hurts...I knew this sadness of the loss of never being pregnant would always be there, but this process just stirred it up to hurt more. The longing is so strong. Oh Lord, I cry out to you for there to be something really, really important that you are doing with this process to make this pain worth it. I'm fighting the lies right now that this pain will kill me. I don't buy into the lies that this whole extra part of the journey is God dangling something I really want only to take it away. Lord, I need to experience tangibly your love and comfort. Let it 'feel' real.

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From: TLCuadra
Date: Fri Mar 6 01:03:08 EST 2009 Subject: Thinking of you

Andrea,

I just got my username/password from Russell after your blog a few days ago so that I could let you know (in writing)how so very proud I am of you. You are so much stronger in your spiritual journey than I have been during the battles I face with the challenges in my life. I know that the ultrasound results and the continued cycle of medical barriers to a pregnancy are heartbreaking for both you and Ryan. I know that I can't feel the same kind of pain and disappointment with this continued roller coaster of hope and loss, but I hope you know that I am here for you just to listen, cry, scream, vent, etc. I wish I could take away your pain and grant you a wish of fertility and a normal pregnancy, but we know that isn't mine to grant. You said you know that God knows the big picture and we have to continue to hold fast to that knowledge. I keep thinking if you had been given the gift of a "normal" pregnancy, I never would have been introduced to a beautiful niece named Ellen Louise...and we all know the story of how Ellie came to be your child is nothing short of a miracle!!! At times like these, I wish so much that we lived closer together so I could watch Ellie grow up, help you and Ryan with her, be a shoulder to cry, motivate each other in a healthy lifestyle, etc...but just know that even though there is miles separating us, my heart is right next to yours and my prayers are lifting you up.

I love you, Sis!!!
Tammy

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From: andrea
Date: Fri Mar 6 12:02:02 EST 2009 Subject: thanks everyone!

Thanks sis and everyone else who has been praying. Pain and emotions were bad yesterday. I feel better more hopeful today.

I will post in the other post about our decisions more that will be made in the next couple of weeks.

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