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So recently, I have had some back issues. I am in a lot of pain due to overusing my back muscles when lifting such a big boy. A week ago, my friend Rod challenged me to really only lift Ian when there was a real need. I tried this last week and my back is considerably less painful than the week before. Ian is starting to pull up and he likes to 'walk' holding my hands to where he needs to go; he'd rather be on his feet than anywhere else as it helps his body feel grounded and not out of control (he has sensory integration disorder with a hyper response to stimuli). However, I was to ask for HELP when Ryan is home. Ryan is a great dad and was waiting for me to ask, but I have trouble asking. He is now stepping in even when I have trouble asking because I have a need to work on and need his HELP.
I wasn't asking for help because of the lies I hear. I hear that 1) if I was a good mom, I wouldn't need help and 2) if I admit that I need more than just lifting help, i.e. breaks from my kids, I am saying Ian is a 'bad' kid and unlovable. Neither is true, therefore, why ask for help, right?
Over the weekend, I had a break in 'holding it together'; it was a long time a coming and I had several mini breaks along the way. I have said several times over the last few months that I am done being a stay at home mom and I'm going back to work...I feel, at times, over extended emotionally and physically. Anyway, in this break down, I had to admit that my son has special needs that he came into this world with. They don't make him unlovable, but they do add extra needs to our family right now. I need breaks from his high pitch screaming. I need a few hours out a week to have a break and just breathe. I need professional help for my back on a regular basis, because he is still going to need lifted at times during the day when Ryan is not home and he is only getting bigger with time!!!
So, we are trying to figure out how to go about this outside child care thing because we have never done it before. If you inside the community are someone who would like to have a few extra hours per week as a child care person (pd of course) a morning a week, then let me know. If you are someone who uses regular child care and know someone who you believe is really good or a facility that is really good, then let us know. And otherwise, we ask for your prayers and accountability on this.
Today, as I was describing Ian's issues and our need for breaks to the adoption worker, the lies kept coming...new ones. I heard that she believes 1) I do not love this very wonderful boy, and 2) she doesn't believe I am in this for the long haul with him. I felt like by just saying what his issues were, I was overly discussing them, pointing out only his needs and not his strengths, etc. But the truth is, no matter what she believes, he has lots of strengths and I told her all about them on the 1st visit. I did not, however, tell her about how his needs affect me as a mom or our family and how we have a need for breaks in order to continue functioning as a healthy family. The truth seems so weak next to the lies though...pls pray with me for the opposite to be true.
Ok, I think I am done confessing. Thanks for 'listening'. |
