i've tried to write this blog several times, but i'm afraid that there are so many parts wound together that it won't make any sense or i'll be misunderstood or offend people, especially other mothers and people who wish they were.
that said, i'm going to toss this all out there with a minimal use of the delete key.
 In college I vowed to never drive a station wagon. It symbolized everything I disdained about motherhood. Not that I didn't want to be a mother. But that embarrassing loss of identity and style that seemed inherent in parenting. Also not that I had a strong sense of either identity or style at the time. Ironic.
Now I'm a mother. With a station wagon. And as I near the birth of my second baby, I find myself facing anew all my fears about being a mom: what if I become boring and sentimental? what if I have nothing interesting to talk about after this? can I feel emotions about having a baby, including the 'cutesy shmutesy' ones and still be the person that I am? Can I be a woman and a mom at the same time?
Okay, these listed aren't ALL the fears I have. They relate to my identity fears. With Ashton, I was afraid of accidentally causing her death, of not knowing what I was doing, of not getting it right some how. With these identity issues, I'm looking out at all the stereotypes in our society and in the church of my adolescence and wondering if I really have the freedom to be everything that Susan Cepin being a mother would be without getting trapped somewhere. There's the hallmark mom, who's sweet and devoted and 100% and sentimental, and I've seen people who really look like they've got that down. And those things are all good, and I have some of them in some measure. But what about the pain of childbirth and the indifference and annoyance and anguish and fear that happens every day? Where do I put passion and fun, pleasure and beauty?
I guess what I'm saying is that there are aspects of motherhood that I've shyed away from in my fear of getting lumped in to some anemic category of personhood. And this resistance has kept me from embracing legitimate parts of who I am and how I feel. I think freedom must include embracing the possibilities without fear.
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