From: derek
Date: Wed Mar  9 22:31:39 MST 2005
Subject: I'm a Guy

I have that same fear of being a girl. Oh, wait, no. I mean, sexuality is weird. I don't get it. I've been on this, like, three week quest with Russ to find "an emotional word to describe my sexuality." Usually, my head can mathematically calculate the most valid answers to display, list by highest ranking in meaningfulness, thoughtfulness, and passion, but that broke. I'm still on that quest. I'm a poet, dang it. I have, like, thesauruses and stuff. I told Russ I was going to go up to people and ask them to tell me an emotional word that describes my sexuality. He said it would be a bad idea. Still, I'd definitely get points for the most unique pick-up line. I just can't connect with its value. It pisses me off. Especially that Russ won't accept my, "sexuality is an evolutionary necessity" response as a proper value statement. So, sexuality is apparently still a bit of an issue with me. Probably with all of us, I'd guess. I almost wept when I read these posts. I didn't weep though. That's 'cause I'm a guy. The discussion on singleness we had some time back helped me a lot. It's always a little awkward to be a guy and to be called the "bride of Christ." To understand the Church as His bride puts everything in a different light. I have an easier time seeing myself as a part of that Church body, a part that makes sure those parts which need special covering will recieve it. Which is to say, I am to be the protecter of the bride of Christ and to love her as Christ loves her. As a single man, that doesn't translate nicely into a blood family dynamic, but I still am a protector of those who do not have it within the church. So my back and shoulders are sore from moving and working with sound equipment all afternoon at Teen Challenge, but my muscles still all tense up and ready when I go through these posts. That's 'cause I'm a guy. I want to just fix it and make it all better. I'm not exactly a knight in shining armor riding on a noble steed, but I'm kinda big and that might be all you can get nowadays. Or else someone atavistic enough to be entirely unable to cope with the changing cognative dissonances inherrant in the modern post-feminist/mid-"promise keeperesque" social etiquette and value systems we have given weight to. Anyway, that wasn't my point. The point is that I want for you to have been defended in those times, protected in the places where you felt helpless. But I have faith that you always have been protected, and God's got it all figured out, bringing you here, now, and all that. Anyway, there is also a side of guys that see femininity as valuable, worth defending, and that hate that it is desecrated. That just usually happens to be the side we don't listen to. I always found great amusement with the statement (which I know several people who take very seriously) that "dancing leads to sex." The process by which, if considered, is quite true of almost anything, especially of foods or recreations. Yet, on Sunday I watched an amazingly worshipful dance that was in it's essence effeminate. I think the only problem is that we don't have enough healthy displays of femininity around. All the perverse ones tend to shake to the top (so to speak). Anyway, make what you will of the post, just felt I should blog it. Wish you happy huntings on finding your girlness/womanhood/etc. :)

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From: SueKay
Date: Thu Mar 10 01:47:01 MST 2005
Subject: Another story

From: Patricia
Date: Fri Mar 11 16:20:30 MST 2005
Subject: rediscovery

Reading about the feelings of being alone and unprotected as a girl resonated with me. I do not remember feeling particularly safe or protected growing up at home. I was well taken care of in most areas, had everything a little girl could ask for, but I wasn't protected from the unthinkable. Later, as a young adult I lived an utterly reckless life, maneuvering myself into situations that very well could have cost me my life. I was tempting death, not wanting to take my own life. Time tempered things but did not heal. Passing time deepened my depression and with it the motivation to look for life OR death waned. I finally just have been living with the conclusion that I never ever in my life valued my very state of living. So now, reading from Suki, Andrea, and Cheryl opened the door for me to recall something almost lost. It is not true, then, that I have always disdained my life. It is not true that I always saught to destroy myself. It is not true that I always would have welcomed the opportunity to leave this world behind. I remember going on an overnight field trip at age fourteen. I went for an evening walk and wound up lost in a strange town. I asked for directions to get home, and a man offered to walk me back to where I needed to go. At some point I realized that he was taking me not back, but instead was leading me to a remote wooded area. Up until that moment I had mostly been concerned about returning late to the group. Now, that I saw his opened pant zipper I feared for myself and ran. Yes, I ran!!! Doesn't seem such a big deal. Anyone would have run. But, you see, in more recent years I had come to believe that I had NEVER valued my life. I can recall many details of that evening. And I remember now distinctly that I did NOT want this man to rape me or kill me. I DID value my life. I have proof for myself in this memory. And yes. It is a big deal for me. Rereading my writing, I see out of the corner of my eye another can of worms, waiting for me to face it squarely: Do I cause men to have sinful or evil thoughts? Do I invite them to do whatever they would? Have I been guilty of that or have I been taking responsibility for something I ought not? What do I believe about my role as a woman, as a girl, as a girl-child in situations of abuse?

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