From: Suki
Date: Sat Sep 20 00:13:53 MST 2003
Subject: At Work

(Written Wednesday, 9/17. Posted when internet access became accessible) I’m at work right now. I was hoping not to get the call today, although the cash it provides will be nice. I did enjoy a beautiful drive out to Sierra Vista this morning. I love the expanses of desert around Tucson. Having grown up here, I often grieve the loss of all the pockets of wilderness in our recently-little city. The desert as I find it driving between towns is made up of rolling hills and all sorts of green with mountain backdrops. It’s lush, not like the bare strip between Tucson & Phoenix. Good backdrop for morning prayers. I just reread Karen’s blog on the concert-hall kingdom of God. I’m thinking about getting up close and personal with God. Close enough for Him to see me enjoying Him. Just the thought of it makes me want to look away. I feel that way with people, too. Afraid to enjoy or be enjoyed in deep, meaningful ways. A string of what-ifs floats to the surface. What if I enjoy God and it turns out I believed the wrong things about Him? What if He finds me foolish and scorns me? What if He gets angry and rebukes me? What if the people I go out of my way to love laugh at me? What if they see and reject me? I know these are the voices of fear. God’s voice, I’m finding, is always tuned to love. If I find fear in the message, I start questioning it. So I wonder what the next step will be. How will I get to the front row and catch a glimpse of those pores? Lately I’ve been realizing how my way of worrying hinders me from enjoyment. I worry about getting it right, about satisfying people’s expectations, about what I’m going to do tomorrow and if I’ll have enough time this week for everything that “must” fit in. When I confess this as sin, sometimes I find myself living in the moment without anxiety. Walking with God and not protecting myself from all the pain that might be looming around the corner. At rest. It’s a good, passionate place to be.

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