From: Suki
Date: Wed Oct 22 16:08:12 MST 2003
Subject: A Day Off

Since no call came this morning for me to work, Eric sent me packing with a couple of books, a bag of art supplies, and an order to stay out until at least 3:00 p.m. When I view this possibility from the outside, it seems like a great luxury, and truly it is. However, when I in fact embark on such a day, I find myself still stuck with the reality of… myself. I love the idea of painting outside, but in fact, I am a glutton for comfort. Even toward the end of October, it’s quite toasty out at 10:00 a.m. So after a brief bit of painting at St. Philips Plaza, I headed off to Raging Sage. Ahhh. Air Conditioning. And the freedom to do what I actually enjoy MORE than painting, which is reading about HOW to paint. Somehow I have this gut-level belief that I can avoid failure by neglecting artistic endeavor. I know this is an ironic and unfortunate perception, but there it is. I am still, however, drawn to the creative process and so reading presents itself as a nearly viable substitute which does eventually inform my efforts. This brings me to the question of what to do on a day “off”. Time is there, but still limited. A choice in one direction cuts off other possibilities. The question of what I ‘want’ becomes tyrannical. It’s an odd circumstance which puts me in touch with the illusions I hold and the structures I maintain to avoid the things I fear. The ultimate goal is to hook up with God, so eventually I wound my way to a place where I could sit and read the Bible. 1 Thessalonians is pretty interesting. Paul makes references to what he’s already spoken to the people in that particular church. I feel pretty curious about this. They’re supposed to maintain what he’s taught them. I wish he would’ve written out a handbook of all the things he’d taught at the different churches rather than just briefly noting them in his letters. But God had different plans, I suppose. So we’re left to eavesdrop. This is where the Holy Spirit and the community of believers come in, right? So now I’m home, preparing to practice guitar, work on some songwriting, and head into leadership meeting. It’s kind of nice to be back in the structured path of my everyday life.

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