Villagersonline : blogs : SPark : Name Calling

From: SPark
Date: Mon Aug 29 02:42:47 MST 2005
Subject: Name Calling

Responses
derek: yeah . . . (8/29/05)

eric: Ranting along with (8/29/05)

andrea: anger too (8/30/05)

Responses (sorted by date)
andrea: anger too (8/30/05)
eric: Ranting along with (8/29/05)
derek: yeah . . . (8/29/05)

This world, it would make a lot more sense to me without God in it. The I could just say, "Shit happens." "Luck of the draw, baby..." Saying, "Shit happens. God loves you." - well, that just doesn't work in my mind. But shit does happen. And they tell me God does love us. Where does that leave me? My thoughts go twisting through a labyrinth of cause and effect, means and ends, a twisting confusion that ends up tangled in hate. I hate you God. How can you love us and let these things happen? What kind of sick son-of-a-bitch are you? I don't want your kind of love, your "I know what's good for you" kind of love, your "be with me for eternity" kind of love. Forget the happy ending, what about NOW? What about where I am NOW, God? Do you care about me where I am? I don't understand you, God. I don't understand how you can stand by and let some things happen - horrible things. Where is my Shelter, where is my stronghold? Where is my Help-in-times-of-Trouble? I wish you were dead, God. I wish you didn't exist. Then I could stop hoping for you to rescue me.
"my soul faints with longing for your salvation
but I have put my hope in your word.
My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, "When will you comfort me?"
Psalms 119: 81 - 82

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From: derek
Date: Mon Aug 29 10:16:35 MST 2005
Subject: yeah . . .

I just like that you got stuck with the same crap nightmare that I've been having the last few months, still stuck in high school, failing all your classes. I've noticed that about God, He doesn't so much relieve our suffering as spread it around. The world suffered, so He made His son suffer along with it. All I can say is God pisses me off a lot. But, he also has some good moments. The trick is to share in both. Jesus walks through suffering with us, then we get to walk in salvation with Him. As it stands, I can say I've been content with God the last few days. I even rushed to church when I was late, hoping to be in time for the sermon. That's not my usual reaction. Mostly, I just procrastinate because I don't really feel God's presence. I think I'm learning to care less. I'm realizing that in my excitement I am excited, and in my sorrow I am sorrowful. I can't change it. But it doesn't really matter which I am. I need to know that the other has been there in the past and will probably come again. Depression is as meaningless as happiness. They both are just as transient. Depression does seem to linger, but I think it's because I force it. I become too afraid to be happy. I'm learning to say "F*** it. I feel happy right now. I'm going with it." Tomorrow I'll be depressed. And at that time I'll be depressed. Either way, I'll walk through it and know it's not all there is. It sounds like you're going through crap. You're going through all the stresses of moving and a new job (astress as they may be, definitely very stressful, esp. with illness your first week. Really sucks.). Your friends are suffering now and you are beautifully walking into being available in their sorrow. . . I'm sure there are many things I don't know about or currently don't recall. Anyway, I wait to rejoice with you, meanwhile I'll just be frustrated with you. I still think you're a "sparky," though. You just don't know it. :) I can't wait to see your apartment and watch your hospitality come out again. I hope maybe that will help you out as well. Anyway, sorry sis. Wish I could defend God, but I'm kinda blind and waiting for Him to move as well. I waited forever for school to start, becoming more depressed in the inaction. Now I'm in school, it's hard to be here, its infinitely better, and still sucks. But right now, those months of frustration melt away as I have new goals and responsibilities, stepping into new aspects of identity, etc. Things now suck different and better. :) I'm glad you have a forum to scream at God though. It's good to hear from you.

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From: eric
Date: Mon Aug 29 15:25:56 MST 2005
Subject: Ranting along with

I can't answer a lot of questions about the stuff of life and why God allows what he allows and so on, but I do think about it and I have had to find a way to live with God - in Christ - that sits well with my soul. Life without God would suck, I would miss Him. Obviously shit happens, and I do believe that God loves us. But I don't believe God is a being who allows or doesn’t allow things to happen. Saying that God has a wonderful plan for us in the end and we just have to endure the pain now is sad. Pain is relative, happiness is relative, and the now is overrated.
I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful daughter, and a new son. Life is good right now, but tomorrow it could be all taken from me. Would I be in pain? . . . "yes" . . . . would it be the end of the world? . . . for awhile - yes.
Cheryl walks in front of me. I know very few people who can hold a candle to the pain and suffering she has had to endure since she was a little girl, but she walks with hope. I see the hope of Christ burn in her eyes. I see her weeping with the heart of God over the children who are abused and suffering. If anyone has a case against God, it would be Cheryl, but its not God that Cheryl rages against - it is Satan and the evil men who have sworn allegiance to Him. She rages against sin and humankind's willingness to choose evil over Good. So, I rage with her and for her. Oh, I've seen the scars of evil on her and to a lesser extent me. They are brutal and often take the wind out of my sails, but that is when others come around and mother me and give me a taste of Christ. Yeah, often they fumble through it, and I resist and they say things that hurt me, but I also experience, in them, Christ’s mercy and love.
Susan, I'm praying for you - "really" I do and am. Thank you for offering your anger and pain and frustration.

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From: andrea
Date: Tue Aug 30 07:27:22 MST 2005
Subject: anger too

Thank you for sharing where you are at...I love seeing more of your heart. I love you!
Yesterday in the Potter's Wheel lab, I realized a couple of things...1) anger is where I go because it is safer than the deep sorrow that lies just underneath that I chose not to touch because I would have to need others to comfort me and help me not to crash and burn and 2) I am more pissed off at Satan than I am at God. I know I have been agreeing with the enemy on a lot of ideas about who God is. I knew it in the moment but would rather do that than have to believe that someone who loves me would chose not to protect me and that this be His design for my life. I heard others (my husband included) attempting to give me a different theology of this is the life outside of the garden and not how He designed it or wanted it to be origninally, but that doesn't fit with how this world works that has been engraved in my mind.
Anyway, I am chosing to accept a different truth than I had been accepting and to see myself as needy (at least at times).
Thanks for offerring yourself to me...as one friend, I can say it is beautiful!

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