When was the last time I demanded, desired, or wanted to know God closer and to see him clearer? When was the last time I demanded that I pray so honestly, and with such passion that my prayer goes uninterrupted because of my thoughts, and wandering mind? When was the last time I desired to know what God is doing in the lives of those around me?
These are the things that God finds important, valuable and worthy, yet these are the very things that I place as secondarily important. I do this out of fear. First, a fear that if I spent all of my time and effort on these aspects of life; that I would soon be overrun by the world. I would no longer have the basic necessities of life. I would soon become a homeless bum, living on the streets. Where my fear lies is not in the poverty, rather than in the complete loss of credibility. And that I would have to expense so much effort in just surviving that I would loose any closeness and devotion to God.
Would God permit such a life for someone so devoted to Him? Yes, Would God provide for such a person? Yes, but to what extent, is a very fear filled answer. Such people do not have their existence on or in this world; rather they are fully in God’s world. Paul lived this type of life, as did John, and Peter. They were not concerned with obstacles to overcome in a physical world, but how to make their daily choices in a Godly, and God pleasing way. They were not concerned with food, clothing, thirst, or earning a living, or not earning a living. They were abandoned by most who knew them. Few saw them as God did. They did what they could, and suffered when necessary. This is a fear I have not been able to overcome.
First and foremost, I do not think that it is good or practical for me, or anyone to divorce themselves from their humanity. God loves me, to a great extent; because of my I am a human being. Why I have no answer. Paul and Peter were very much human beings. I think that the only difference was that they shifted their priorities from a self centered base to a higher and more Godly based set of priorities. They still had human desires, demands, and wants, but their focus was not in obtaining them, rather they focused on doing the job that they were commissioned to do. I also think that this was an everyday struggle that was only won upon their deaths. When Paul first met with Peter, to talk about the Mosaic Dietary Laws and circumcision. I do believe that Paul won, because of his rabbinical knowledge, but more because God changed both men, in their hearts and mind. I do not think that either Paul or Peter were concerned about their perspectives, or their theology. I would have loved to have heard how these two devoted men of God, settled this very volatile issue.
The point is that God worked through these two men, who passionately disagreed with each other, and was, convinced that the other person was, at best foolishly wrong, and at worst, a hieratic and an enemy of God. But God settled this dispute and the two became friends. They took their personal viewpoints and bias, and placed them as being secondarily important.

God knows that we are in the Pit of Despair, after all He is there with us, and sees our helplessness, our pain, and frustration. But He is also saying to us, “don’t concern yourself completely with yourself and your circumstances. There is more going on in the world that has nothing to do with you and your needs or wants. Look around and try to see what I see also. Put a little effort into the world beyond you, and trust in me more.”

Sunday night, I witnessed God in action, for the first time in a long time. God does take an active role in the lives of us humans. He takes an active role in the lives of both the Children of God, and in the lives non-believers. Yesterday, a miracle took place. It was not a big burning bush event, as much as it was a spark in the Pit of Despair.. I am curious at how many times I have missed a similar event take place, because my focus was on my circumstances, and not on God and what He is doing around me. While this event took place at the Village, it could have been at a store, bus stop, or anywhere.

God has given me a gift. But I have always considered the gift a curse. Last Sunday, someone walked into the Village service, which I had never met or seen before. As I noticed this person, a very strong and completely uncontrollable “feeling” or sensation came over me. This “feeling” lasted less than a second, but the after-effects continue to this very time. In the blink of an eye, I knew something about this person that only someone who in a relationship with the person, would know. It is extremely deep intimate, and personal, yet, God wants me to know this fact. For many years, I have always questions why God chose to give this to me. Honestly, I thought that this was a cruel joke God was playing one me. I thought that it was mean, that God did this to me.
But after the service was over, and during Pizza Time, God was there doing only what God could do. I saw this new person start a dialogue with someone who has recovered and overtaken this same “condition.” That was the “spark in the Pit of Despair, or the Activity of God, that I got to witness, and in a small way, be a part of. During the pizza time I tried to hunt down Eric or Rod, and I was finally able to talk to Eric. Again, I asked him why. He simply said that I should pray. Lightening struck then (maybe even literally, as it was monsoon time, and stormy outside.

The why, in why God gave me this gift, is for me to pray. My gift is a call for me to pray, and to lift this person up in my prayers. To pray for healing, to pray for the pain, to pray for restoration, to pray for forgiveness, to pray with passion and for compassion; is what I am to do with my gift. Maybe as a result of my prayers, I can see God in action, in the lives of people around me.

Prayer is not my gift, but it often is an exercise in frustration and futility. When I pray, my intentions are honorable and worthy, but within only a few seconds, my mind and thoughts hit a signal switch, and my focus is no longer on what I am attempting to talk to
God about. I know that good effective prayer takes discipline that I have not exercised so that my prayer time is currently in a convulsive state. That needs to change.

The fear factor of practicality. As I embark in an attempt to modify the viewpoint or worldview: there is a practicality and fear factor that I need to balance. I do know that God does see my circumstances. I know this from past experience, and from the Bible. But what I do not know is if God will change my circumstances. He can, but will he? If He does not change them, how will I act and react. Towards God, and with regards to my circumstances? This is where the fear come in and meets practicality. I do not think that this is JUST a question, Is God sufficient? Rather when is God not sufficient enough for me?
We live in a world that is up side down and inside out, where not only is sin rampant, and pervasive, but human tragedy and suffering is part of the everyday world we live in. I think that I should pray that the above question is never one that I can answer, even in a theoretical manner. I want to live my life out, foolishly believing that this question is one that I can never know, therefore the question just does not exist