From: Ron
Date: Sun Sep 21 17:22:05 EDT 2008
Subject: Commitment to God

Why is it so difficult for me to completely give 100% of myself to God? As a committed Christian, it would be easy to tell myself and everyone else that it is easy to do this task. And I would have a difficult time believing it, and would only fool a few Christians, and confuse and hinder those few. The sad truth is that as much I would like to affirm that statement, and as deep as my commitment to God, my faith straddles the fence, and that is my comfort zone. There may be Christians that would sate that I am really not a Christian, or if I am, that I am a heretic and blasphemer. That is only something that God has the right to classify me as a heretic and blasphemer; a Christian only has the responsibility to give me Biblical guidance, and tell me that I am wrong, and why I am wrong. The more I study the Bible, and the more I resolve minor difficulties, the more I question, and find unanswered questions. What I once thought as simple now appears as complex and difficult to grasp any resolution. The story of Adam and Eve is not a simple story, rather complex and full of endless questions, which are not easily comprehendible or even apprehensible. The questions just keep on flowing, and the answers become mired in nothingness. God is God, and so much greater that I am. The very concept of God is very difficult to grasp, and can only be apprehended by human beings. How sin changed everything that exists. I have the Bible to learn how God interacts with human, on micro, as well as the macro viewpoint. I am able to gain a very basic knowledge and understanding of God, through the pages in the Bible, and through our relationship with others and our relationship with God. I find comfort in knowing that as much as I do not know or understand God; as a result of the Bible and looking back in my life, and seeing God’s Work, are how I learn what I know about God. At times this does not seem to satisfy. Adam & Eve were made fools, and manipulated by a talking Serpent. When Israel was taken captive in Egypt, I imagine thousands and thousands spending their whole lifetime praying for their freedom, yet those prayers went unanswered during their lifetime. God hardened Pharaoh’s heart in Exodus “…3 But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, 4 he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Egypt and with mighty acts of judgment I will bring out my divisions, my people the Israelites. 5 And the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I stretch out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it."NIV The above and so very many more Bible stories and verses are like a double edged sword. Maybe the real question and difficulty is in do I see God as a Lovable God. With all the tragic events that take place in the world. Millions of people lost their life this year, and millions more were affected by the loss of life, or even worse a debilitating and painful body. Do all of these people see God as Lovable? Some will find God to be a lovable God, while others hearts will harden towards God. Why? I have come too far in life’s journey and in my faith to not accept that God is Lovable. I can find many stories and verses that point towards God being lovable. Looking back on my life, I can see a lovable God, but I can also see God as someone I am very mad at the very God I Love. I do not understand the God I do Love. He confuses me, and that makes me very angry. Anger and lack of trusting God is what prevents me from fully committing myself to God. From my earliest recollections of my childhood to this very day, it has never been easy for me to deal with the negative side of my emotions. I do not have the right. “ How dare I show my anger, what right do you have. Who do you think you are?” These are my thoughts in my mind. Coupled with that the fact that since I have very minimal skills dealing with anger, and when I have showed my emotions, it has always been the foolish choice. I remember talking with my boss one day, and the discussion became slightly heated. All of a sudden my boss told me that if I don’t shut up, he would fire me. He said I was getting upset. I did not realize that I was. I did not think that I was mad, but latter on, I did realize that my tone of voice was different, as the conversation went on. The conversation was regarding priorities. A similar instance took place with a report and what I said to the person. This specific case involved a company I was asked to investigate. The first time, I handled this case, I was unable to obtain any information, and I sent it back to my client, Unable to Verify. I got it back a few days latter, and the management refused to provide any information. I did a fraud investigation, and found very little additional information, except that they did lease the building, and the rent was paid by a off shore company. I sent this information back to my client, and received a third notice to investigate further. I contacted the company again, talked to the same person, and asked for the same information he had declined previously. The nature of the business required governmental regulation, and there was none. I informed him of my findings, and he continued to refuse to answer, even simple questions. On the phone, I was becoming more and more frustrated. I do not know what I said, or even how I said it. But he felt that I had threatened him by contacting the FBI, SEC, Federal Reserve, and California Banking Commission. He wanted to talk to my boss. I was not fired. THANK GOD. And I did contact the SEC, and FED, that was my job, but not manipulating in order to get what I want. My way, or the freeway….I am an AmerICAN. I CAN have it now, or I will get mad, and…hold my breath until I die. Not only am I an American, but I’m also human. As much like being labeled as selfish and vain, I am. As much as I detest manipulation, I manipulate people, including myself. I demand that the world conform to my way, or suffer the wrath of Ron. I demand this from God. How can someone as feeble as I am, demand anything from GOD? I can even one up that statement. What makes me think that I can get away with such foolish and insolent talk? Because I do get away with it, or at least from my perspective. God has this amazing attribute that only He possesses. I believe that it was the “driving force” in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. God provides us with the ability to get mad, and angry and hurt as a result of our own doing, and others doing, or just the circumstances of events in life, because he Loves us and cherishes us; that he gives us the right to vent out our feelings on him—He gives this gift to us, to bring us closer to Him. He brings us of our pain, frustration, and anger, not because He has to, only because He wants to Sometimes I still don’t like the answer, but I accept it, because I AM is not who I am, and that is something I can live with. Giving my life over to God are not words to be taken lightly, and nothing miraculous takes place, as far as I know. It’s not a burning bush moment, rather the seeding of a cactus. Right now I am unemployed, and have been since the beginning of the year. Somehow God has taken care of me. I have a place to live, food to eat, and medical care. But what happens if all that is taken away? I could never have a job, for the rest of my life. Years go by, and no job. Is God enough for me? Do I abandon my Faith? My answer is NO, I CAN”T. To do so is to lose everything I have, the only thing I have. My circumstances will no longer have an impact on my relationship with God

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