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Last night around 8 I could feel it settle in, at least it's first wave. It's weird how it never hits me all at once it moves in in waves. I slept soundly but when I woke up it was still there. It wasn't strong, it wasn't going to knock me to my knees but it was there, this feeling of despair that is all to familiar. It starts as a restless feeling but before I know it I feel weighed down, emotionally. I feel listless and as if nothing in my life has any point. When it gets really bad it makes me feel numb in ways that are frightening. I can remember times in my life when it felt as though I wasn't really alive, that I was a passenger in my body, that I was watching someone elses experiences. If you have ever dealt with any form of depression than you know what I am talking about.
As I drove to work, I had the radio on part of the way but I felt the need to pray so I turned it off. My prayer started simple enough, thanking God for life, for dying on the cross but then I just opened up my heart and soul and told him of my hurt. The things I feel about how distant sometimes he feels, how messed up I feel, how I wish I could be someone with faith the size of a mountain. How scared I was of slipping back into agnosticism.
When I arrived at work, I had no answers but it did feel good to express my hurts to God, to approach the throne and to be free to just be as I am. To not be afraid to just lay it all at his feet.
That later, after I ate my lunch I took my walk. For the last week and a half I have been listening to Simply Jesus by NT Wright and today he was speaking about worship. He used Rev 4 and 5 as ways to explain what worship was, what it looked like, felt like, how we worshiped both He who was on the throne(God the father) but the Lion(messiah) and Lamb(sacrifice) It was a beautiful picture and NT brought it round to how worship might look and feel for us. I started thinking about music of course, how different songs and performances moved me so much and how I was brought to yelling and cheering. Worship can and does look a lot like that.
Then I asked the question in my spirit, how do I worship when I am depressed God? I got my answer in images and reflections
I worship God with my depression when I am not afraid to pray and talk to him about what I am feeling. When I lay my sadness and despair at his feet.
I worship Jesus in my depression when I reach out to others and ask them to stand with me and pray. When I let loose my need for control and admit that I'm in need.
I worship the spirit with my brokenheart when I feel connected to others with brokenhearts as well. When we hold each other up, when we spur each other on. When we pray for each other and with each other.
It is hard to thank God for my battled with depression and anxiety, but it is even harder to blame him for them. What I MUST do what I desire to do is to learn to trust him more fully, and allow myself to worship him no matter what condition I might be in.
Rev 5: 14 The four living creatures said, “Amen,” and the elders fell down and worshiped. | 
