I know how you feel. Some days I am so shocked by how much I fall apart in so many ways...saying the wrong things, not trusting God when just two hours ago I had determined I would never not trust him again! It seems like such an endless cycle and it is ridiculously hard for me, a person who loves insufficiently, to imagine that a perfect God would still love me...again...and again....
My little brother, when he was about six years old, just after he accepted Christ into his life, was struggling with this same thing. For two years, almost every night he would call me to his room and say, "I have that dark feeling again. Are you sure God still loves me?" or sometimes he would cry and say how this "dark feeling" (what I took to mean depression/heaviness/oppression) made him feel like he did too many bad things for God to love him. Every night that this happened, I would be there telling him that Satan tries to drag us down, I would share verses with him that assured him of God's love and then pray really hard out loud for him until he was calm enough to go to sleep. I was always amazed that a seven year old would be able to have such a sense about spiritual things and that Satan was trying so hard to take my brother out. I have always had the feeling that God has big plans for my bro to influence the Kingdom.
Anyway, I say all that because I recognize the same struggle in you, that really, you are not alone in! I don't know if you are a new believer or not, but regardless, take courage that each day that you choose to dwell in God's truth will make you stronger and more assured in His love. It is a constant battle that we all fight, sometimes just choosing to get out of bed in the morning and saying to yourself, "This is the day that the Lord has made, I choose to rejoice in it." or when the next day looks bleak, remembering, "His compassions (like GRACE which stems from His love) are new every morning, great is His faithfulness."
We all mess up and the wonderful thing about God's love is that it shines even more perfectly in our weaknesses. What kind of weak love would God have if we were perfect and He loved us? Anyone can love a perfect person! But God's love is the love only a perfect God can have because he loves us even though we completely and utterly fail him all the time! If you think about it, Satan is always trying to get us to doubt God's love bc if he can do that, then we won't have the confidence to claim our status as God's children and therefore, Satan will have even more power over us. If he makes us shake in fear, then we will have a harder time believing God's word and trusting Him. Basically, Satan tries to destroy our confidence in God's love and faithfulness so that he can destroy US!!!
My little brother just told me recently that he stopped having that heavy feeling a few years ago and I think it is because God was proving Himself in my brother's life over and over. I am not saying that you will never feel this way again, but know where it stems from, recognize the enemy and his intent and just start putting one foot in front of the other spiritually speaking. You are already doing so by asking questions and dialoguing about it, by meeting with other Christians and asking for prayer! That is awesome! Take courage! Every battle that you enter such as the ones you described, God will use to strengthen you each time. You are truly loved by God and you are surrounded by people who will fight beside you! |