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For the last 7 weeks I have been experiencing unsettling symptoms. Mostly it’s vertigo which feels like the room is moving, and it is also a feeling of being off balance.
There is also pressure in my ears, pressure in the forehead, and quite a bit of anxiety.
Sometimes I get to feeling like my head is in a fog, kind of a dazed feeling I guess, it’s hard to discribe.
For the last 7 weeks I’ve been to Dr’s of various types 6 times.
I did have at least 1 ear infection that we knew of and fought that off and expected the symptoms to go away
They didn’t
I was told that I had a build up of congestion that was putting pressure on my ears and I was given steroids
That was on my 35th Birthday and that will be a day I won’t soon forget because I thought I was going to die.
I ended up in the ER that night, I am counting that as one of my 6 visits in 7 weeks. Thankfully it was only my anxiety which went into overload because of the steroid and it wasn’t something more serious.
I’ve also been to an Ear Nose and Throat Dr who proved to be no real help at all. Said it could be benign positional vertigo and gave me an exercise to do that didn’t help. He also said it could be metabolic like blood sugar or blood pressure but both of those things have already been checked out. He also said he thought that it would correct itself and just go away.
That was a week ago today and it hasn’t
I have good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments, I’ve cried, prayed and tried to ignore it. I’ve frustrated people around me by talking about it way too much, I’ve forced myself to go on walks even though they sometimes leave me feeling worse than before I started, I’ve still performed with my band, attended meetings, kept up with school and done my best to live the life I’ve felt God calling me to live.
I’ve also entertained thoughts about brain tumors, ear tumors, multiple sclerosis and other such personal doomsday scenarios but I have tried very hard not to give into those. Surely the Dr’s would have caught that right?
One thing I have not done though, I have not lost my faith in God. In fact strange as it may sound I feel like my faith has been stronger than ever. Weird right?
I have asked God multiple times to take this from me, this proverbial thorn in the flesh which has caused me much discomfort and anxiety and stress and he has not done it. There has been no healing and yet I believe in him and cling to him all the more.
I’ve even gone as far as expressing gratitude for having it. Don’t misunderstand me I am not enjoying this at all, but if it has done anything for me it has reminded me of just how out of control everything in this life can be and it has reminded me just how desperately I…..how desperately we all need Jesus.
If we didn’t need Jesus I don’t think things like vertigo would even exist.
Many folks see things like disease as a failure of God, as the ultimate proof that there is no God, I see it as proof of our need of God, as assurance that the world we live in IS fallen it IS broken and we alone will never be able to fix it.
Even if I am healed and the vertigo finally goes away, sometime down the road there will be something else. It might be worse next time and eventually something will happen and I’ll pass away from this world to whatever awaits us in the next.
The thought of that scares me, I am pretty sure I am not alone in that, but it’s just more proof that the world we are currently living is is broken. It’s an important lesson.
I hope that it will pass soon and I hope that I will have many more years on this earth to enjoy the life God has given me and I also wish that these lessons weren’t so hard to go through.
But…..
I am still thankful for it. | 
