So without dramatic or poetic effect I want to try to write about what has been going on over the last several months. Perhaps someone can make sense of it, or at the very least someone can pray.
Back in October I started getting dizzy spells, I wrote about those before so I won't rehash them. They caused a tremendous amount of anxiety in me though very few if any panic attacks. Most of the anxiety was centered around not knowing what was wrong but my moods were fairly stabilized throughout it all.
Ob my birthday, in order to treat the dizziness which my DR said was caused by a build of of congestion I was given steroids which caused multiple panic attacks and sent me to the ER with an extremely fast resting heart rate, It took me the weekend to recover and then the old feeling of dizziness returned.
The dizziness finally left around Christmas, Christmas Eve was the last day I really noticed it, but since then my moods have been anything but stable. I'm on what I can only describe as an emotional rollercoaster. The littlest things are setting me on edge and that starts the spiral into sadness and despair.
On New Years Eve Corrie and I had a pretty significant argument. It was bad enough that I felt like I needed to leave the house and go speak to Eric. I thank God that Eric had some time to spear that day cause I really wasn't in very good shape at all.
A week ago today I crashed, I felt great after having played on the radio Monday night but soon during the day Tuesday the bottom fell out and I was angry, ranting on FB, crying and screaming. I don't want to say that I was screaming at my wife because that gives the wrong impression that I was angry with her or pointing my yelling toward her but I wasn't. I was screaming and she was there. I was screaming and cursing about the world and about life. I went to bed crying and drained.
I woke Wednesday and that's when I wrote my last note on here. I spoke to Eric and felt better and my mood lightened throughout the day. I was actually pretty ok until yesterday when for no reason at all I was depressed for most of the day and night. I felt fairly edgy last night during the leadership meeting but I did my best to keep it to myself as there were much more important things to discuss than my issues.
Today I feel edgy, the turning signals were not working in my jeep and I was cold enough I had to wear three layers of clothing(I have no working heater) and little things just were setting me off right and left. Again there is no real reason for me to be in this type of mood.
I am not entirely sure what is going on. I don't know if my recent issues with mood are tied into the dizziness which I suspect was mostly a symptom of anxiety. I have been extremely stiff and achy in my body also lately, shoulders, knees, hips... I know this can be caused by stress and mood disorders too.
Anything else that I could say would fall under the category of me being dramatic, which I don't want to do. I don't know what is going on, it has me pretty scared which could be causing half of the problems. I am doing my best to just ride it out and thinning more and more that I just need to keep Facebook at a distance as that seems to be the place where I choose to unload and rant.
I don't know what else to say but thank you for reading. I'd really like to hear from someone, even if it's just to say you've heard me, to let me know you are praying. I feel alone in these moods. My wife doesn't know what to do so she just tells me she wishes that she could make me feel better and that she doesn't feel she does a very good job which just makes me feel worse.
Ok I am done writing. Thanks for reading guys.