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A blog about wanting to be loved, and dreams, and brokeness and grace.
Couple days ago I went to a local, independent movie theater called The Loft and I got to watch the new Pearl Jam documentary, PJ20. It had a ton of concert footage interspersed with the interviews and such. In every piece of concert footage I saw Eddie had every single member of that crowd in the palm of his hand. There was no one else just that band and their fans and they were in concert with them. Every person in the place was just singing along to every word.
It was amazing.
It was also heartbreaking.
All I could think was, those guys are living out MY dreams.
For the last couple weeks many people in Tucson have had Tora Fever. Tora is a local girl who made it onto to the Fox television show The X Factor. She is also someone I know personally. I wouldn’t say we’re friends but she is very nice and we hang out at the same karaoke place, The Bamboo Club. She has even sung a song with me and it was a lot of fun.
Last night I didn’t get to go, Corrie was pretty tired so we stayed in after I had band practice. I couldn’t escvape looking on Facebook though and seeing the hype. Paul and Cindy, who own The Bamboo club were writing statuses about how awesome it was that Tora, from The X Factor, was hanging out in their bar singing karaoke.
All I could think about, instead of being happy for an amazingly talented girl like Tora. Instead of being happy for how the exposure could help my friends and their business, was how they are never that excited when I show up to sing. And lets just say it went down hill from there.
I, like many folks, just want to be loved. I want to feel important, I want to feel special. I want to know that the things I do, the projects I start have a positive impact on people. I’m not afraid to admit that yes, I’d like to be a rock star. It’s been my dream since I was 3 years old.
As I said, many folks are like that. Most of us want to be loved and we even want to feel like we are important from time to time. There is another area where I am like many others. Like so many in this world not only do I want to be loved and feel important, I have a voice somewhere inside of myself that keeps telling me I’m not. It keeps telling me that people don’t really care for me at all. That any kindness I get from anyone is simply because they think I am stupid and feel sorry for me.
In many ways, more than I’d care to admit, I still feel like I am that scared, awkward kid who was nervous to turn every corner in life for fear that someone wanted to harm me or make fun of me or worse. Those anxious feelings make me forget about my true identity as a child of God, as a co-heir of Christ. They also make me very defensive and I last out at people. Even those that I care about the most.
So I have this longing to be love, to want to be special and important and I have this fear that I’m not which causes me to do things that will make people not want to love me and be a part of anything that I have going on. What hope is there for me?
Thank God for Jesus, thank God for the cross. Because Jesus died for my sins, even if the entire world hated me, which it doesn’t, I would still be a child of the living God. Because Christ died for my sins, even if I never make my dreams come true of being a rock star, I am still a member of the royal priesthood of Christ, which is a much higher calling anyway. No matter how many times I mess it up, say the wrong things, do the wrong things, because Jesus died on the cross for me all of my sins, past, present and future are blotted out. That doesn’t mean that I will be loved by everyone, that doesn’t mean that my life won’t have horrible pain and anguish. What it does mean is even though I screw up, even though some will push away from me, even though I may never meet all my goals, even though this world will beat me down and rob me of things I hold most dear it is ok and I can have real long lasting peace. Because not only did Jesus die on the cross for my sins, for yours, for the restoration of this entire world, he rose again. There is so much more to our existence than this present life and all of it’s trouble.
Thank you Jesus. | 
