Villagersonline : blogs : Mike_Wise : Last is first

From: Mike_Wise
Date: Wed Nov 10 12:04:04 EST 2010
Subject: Last is first

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rodhugen: thanks (11/10/10)

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rodhugen: thanks (11/10/10)

Hey folks, I know I have not blogged here in what seems ages. You would've probably thought I fell off the face of the earth except you see me at church every week. I have been thinking a lot about the message Pastor James shared last Sunday. The image of James and John going up to Jesus asking him to do whatever they want, seeking something that he could not grant, places of power. And the ultimate lesson of not wanting to be seen as great as the world see's greatness but to totally humble yourself and live as a servant to those in need. Am I ok with being small and seemingly insignificant in the eyes of the world?
I've been wrestling with this concept all week now, it's not the first time either. All my life I have sought the attention of those around me. Whether it through singing, or being funny, or writing I have a hunger for good positive attention. I want to be thought of as someone who was significance. Ultimately I have dreams about people saying amazing things about me. How I overcame so many obstacles to create this amazing music career. Boy what would all those kids from school say then? When the guy they called fat, and retarded, and stupid made more money from one song then they would ever make in their entire life? How awesome would life be then?
But then I realize what I am saying and thinking. I realize that my desire to be famous doesn't come from good intentions, that need to be noticed is nothing more than self focused self worship. The exact thing that Jesus talks against. It's a hard place to be cause on one hand I really desire to sing and to entertain people and that alone isn't a bad thing. And I don't even think that there is anything wrong with using your talents and making money from them but on the other hand, not all of my motivations for singing are pure. How do I reconcile my need to entertain people with my need for attention? As usual I don't have all of the answers to these questions. I truly feel that God put me on this earth to sing and I know that when I do share my music it touches people. But I don't want to become a jerk if I ever do get any kind of fame and fortune. How do I handle it?
Well so far I just keep in my mind at all times that any success I've ever had has been a blessing. Like grace itself it's not something that I deserve but a gift. I also remember that if nothing else were to come of it, what I've gotten so far is already enough. I've already gotten to do some things that most people only dream about. I write songs, I've performed with bands, I've corresponded with awesome people heck I've been on TV. I also remember that more than anything the main goal is the relationships I establish with my music. At the end of the day that is all that really truly matters.
Thanks for reading.

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From: rodhugen
Date: Wed Nov 10 17:04:46 EST 2010
Subject: thanks

Thanks Mike for sharing your desire here. I, too, have sought the applause of the 'clapping gods'. The problem is that even when you receive the accolades you long for, you discover that they are not enough. The clapping gods are never appeased. If you get an ovation, you want a standing ovation. If you get a standing ovation you want to be begged for an encore. It just goes on and on.
It is good to recognize the power of what the kids said to you so long ago that you now want revenge for. I have found that in struggling to let go of the Liar's lies told to me through the voices of friends and family members, I have, on my better days, been able to fend off the power of the clapping gods. I was told I would 'never amount to anything' by my father's friends. I was told by teachers that I was stupid and would not pay attention. I was laughed at by classmates because I was a nerd who loved to read the dictionary. As mentioned in my 'chicken' blog, I got lots of 'fairs' on my report card. Something in me wants to prove them all wrong. To silence their voices. To turn the tables so that they can feel the awful shame I felt.
Better, I think, to lay the pain of those horrible moments at the feet of Jesus and to ask him to help you forgive the cruelty. Better to ask him to bless those who cursed you and to ask him to not answer them as they answered you. But praying that prayer is the hardest thing I ever do.
Fame and fortune are not what they are cracked up to be. I have been (and am) wealthy and I have been poor. I have been known and unknown. When I have been poor and unknown I have found the presence of God to lift me and hold me. When I have acknowledged my hurt and my pain, he has been quick to heal and to weep with me.
I pray God gives you your heart's desire. It is always good to receive that which we long for from our Father's hands. I pray that his presence will be enough and that he will use you to serve others with your kind and generous heart. I pray that he will heal the wounds of the past and that you will walk boldly in what he has created you to be. I pray that the tape that plays in your head will be silenced and that you will hear the Spirit's voice calling out your identity in Christ.
Meanwhile, thanks for singing and playing drums and offering yourself at the Village. And for writing so beautifully here.
Rod

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