|
|
Responses (sorted by date)
tama-chan: No Subject (8/19/12)
|
|
Dear God,
I am not the kind to write you letters, but I felt that I needed to share a few things that have been on my heart and I wanted to make sure I was able to get to all of it, call it a letter a written prayer or a confession, call it what you will.
I want to apologize to you. I am sorry. I’m sorry that I can only spend seemingly fleeting moments trusting you amisdts oceans of doubt and anxiety. I am sorry that after a lifetime of you caring for me even during times that I hated you I still have trouble believing that you are really there. I am sorry that I don’t know how to hear your voice, or whether or not I can say I’ve ever heard it. I am sure that I am not the only person who has struggled with this and I am sure that stronger Christians than I still have these doubts, but I can help but wonder if it is offensive to you.
I am afraid I am lukewarm and detestable to you God, I am afraid that you’ll spit me out because I am vile to you. I am afraid that what I believe to be your will actually isn’t and it’s just idea’s I’m coming up with in my own brain. I am sorry about this fear and I am sorry that these fears keep me from fully commiting to your work in this world.
I am sorry for being so self involved and focused. I am sorry that my personal hopes and dreams have taken precedence over helping the broken and giving hope to the hopeless. I do try but I still feel so broken myself I don’t know if the hope I offer is real or not. Though I do feel you’ve changed me I’m still no shining example of what you can do. I fail you at every turn.
I am sorry for putting so much emphases on things such as the promise I believe you made about my starting a family with my wife. Every time I am reminded on how broken I am physically and how unable I am to do what seems so easy for other men it makes me question everything I believe about you and about me. I can’t even say that it’s so much that I don’t think you’re there it’s just there’s no reason you’d ever want anything to do with me. I’d say that I’m not a father because I am not a good enough person but men worse than me become fathers every day. They become fathers to kids they want nothing to do with and I can’t become a father to kids that I would love and teach and raise to be your people. I guess it just doesn’t make sense to me God, and that makes me doubt, and again I am sorry.
That’s the thing about this struggle with doubt, with being autistic. No matter how much I wish to suspend disbelief and simply believe that you DO want good things to me, when it feels like you don’t come through I am simply left with my insecurities and the ever nagging doubt. It would be easier to just give up and just turn my back on you again. Much easier to live in a world that doesn’t include you but you will not allow me to do that. You seem to want me to believe just enough that I try to understand your will for me, just enough that it breaks me when you seem to not come through.
For Corrie and I to have a kid it would take you and you alone, I can’t make it happen by myself. I have begged and pleaded with you for this, I’ve offered to give up music and any other personal pursuit for this, I would put everything I am and have on the alter and burn it all up just to give my wife the one thing that she wants and needs more than anything else in this life. The one thing that I believe you have called us both to do, but you say no, or at the least you say nothing, which may or may not be a sign and I don’t even know anymore.
If you don’t love me Jesus than I wish you would just leave me alone.
I am sorry I feel that way, I wish that I didn’t.
Forever your child
Mike | 
