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This morning, as I woke, I was met with an interesting thought that I believe was given to me by God. The thought was simple, I wasn't a very good agnostic. As I thought back on the 10 years that I claimed that title I realized that it was true. I certainly had doubts and I certainly felt rocked by life but as strong as I clung to the title of agnostic it never really took.
This is important to me because throughout the last couple of years since becoming a Villager I have wondered with a pretty hefty dose of fear whether I was disqualified from being a Christian. I took very seriously the warning in Hebrews 6:4 "It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace". I was afraid that the writer of Hebrews was speaking about me.
But looking back over my 20's, while yes it was dark and I was hurting and angry and confused I can see that I never went so far away as to never come back. God was good in his graciousness, always just a step behind to lead me back home when it was time. Every question that I had ever had was looking for reasons TO believe not for reasons to lose my faith. God was fond of me even back then. It is impossible for me to look at this any other way than to realize that even then I was being cared for. That is a pretty awesome blessing. |
